Puzzling Apart People

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Even though I can struggle with implied meanings I tend to see things about people that aren't meant to be shared. For example I'll recognize that someone's anger is likely rooted in something they're repressing in themselves or that a dream a person sees as silly and unexplainable is really about the negative aspects of the mother-child dynamic (as it exists within them) playing out in their current romantic relationship, or that a person's briefly mentioned ptsd is due to some form of sexual abuse based on their previous reactions to sexual humor. Sometimes I get into trouble for sharing what I notice but other times the person is glad I was able to point it out. I think it also causes people to get more upset when I don't get implied meanings. To me people are really just a very complex collection of systems with many overlapping patterns of behavior, thought and feeling. They become, in that sense, a most intricate and worthwhile type of puzzle. Clicking a jigsaw piece into place is extremely satisfying for me and probably a little more satisfying when it's something that has a positive impact on the individual. Yet I'm still missing a lot of the things that are meant to be implied.



Is there anyone else who does this?

I think you've somehow channeled into my brain.

Spot, you do that too?

I've always been able to see the reality behind people and thier situations. I think that it has something to do with the fact that I'm not blinded by thier emotions, I can actually see whats underneath and where its coming from.

My friends have learned to accept it about me and not ask if they dont want to know the answer. I'm not the person they come to for sympathy, they come to me when they want advice and take the good the bad and the ugly that I have to say. People often tell me that they come away from our conversations with a clearer understanding of who they are.

I have a knack for the truth, and that tends to affect people deeply.

alei,

I can relate to what you said completely.

Yes, in fact my best friend has finally admitted that she needs to stop arguing with me about other people and just accept that I'm always right.

Seriously though, I've been trying to work on keeping my insights to myself more. I think I freak people out when I voice them, especially the ones I don't know well.

I think this tendency is also related to our awareness of patterns. I tend to notice patterns in behavior and patterns in thinking. I'm constantly comparing these to other patterns from the same individuals and from other people. It's as though I have a database of human patterns in my head that I'm constantly updating and referring to.

As far as not getting implied meanings, I have issues when the behavior or thinking is directed at me. I think it's because I'm so used to being an observer. I don't know how to actually be part of the play. It gets worse the more emotional I am about the situation.

Thats the way I feel about it, like its a huge database that I can access easily enough, without even thinking about it. For a long time I thought everyone could do it. Surprised the heck out of me when I discovered they couldnt.

My girlfriend tries to come to me for sympathy sometimes and I'm just terrible at it. I tell her what she can do to help the situation instead. When she doesn't listen and I hear the same thing a few days later I get irritated.



I have to work on that. It's very tempting to share what I see but when it's not invited I sometimes get into trouble for it. When someone comes to grieve I don't know how else to relate well. If I say, "Sorry," then usually the person acts like I don't care because my reaction wasn't big enough.



I am exactly the same way. It's why I'm returning to my meditation practice. It helps me to remain an observer.

OMG thats its exactly!! I don't understand the purpose of being miserable together when its just as easy to think of a solution. Sometimes it seems people want to be upset, and dont want to fix the problem.

I am a little shocked to find there are others who have developed so similarly. When I was reading Tony Attwood's book, The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome, the ways more typical for females to develop sounded a bit closer to my own experiences and given that the two of you who have posted in this thread are female I think my assessment was correct.

alei,

I don't understand the point of being miserable together either. I remember on 9/11, I was in a residential school at the time and we were all brought into the living room to watch the news. It was a few moments later that the second plane hit. Everyone else in the room was hysterical. I didn't understand why they were reacting that way when it served no purpose. I wanted to get back to class, to stop wasting time. To me it seemed they were faking it to try and get out of schoolwork although I realize now that, given what had happened, for at least some of the other students that may not have been the case.

This is a pretty new discovery for me, and I haven't read any books yet, but let me just say that I am dumbfounded to find people who think the same way as I do.



I watched and I analyzed. I find mob psychology fascinating. Well alright, to be honest psychology is one of my fixations so I find pretty much all of it fascinating. Needless to say I didnt freak out, there was no point, there was nothing I could do for those people. I find enough reasons to cry all by myself, I dont need the outside worlds help.

I have always felt this way. And this is my problem with the whole lack of empathy (mind blindness/ theory of mind) definition.


If one can systematically dissect behavior and see a situation from the other's point of view, to the extent of knowing and pointing out what they are not seeing, why does this not qualify as "empathy".

To me this is true empathy, and the other stuff, (what I completely lack) is a social intelligence.

spacemonkey,

I think the difference is between feeling and intellectually grasping. I think that understanding another person without getting caught up in emotions is superior but the majority of people relate by feeling. Frequently a person will read emotional content into my statements where there is none. They expect the emotional content to be there because in most other cases, with other people, it is. Because we're a minority the intellectual understanding of human behavior and the mind is less effective in most interpersonal situations.

I have had this problem too, with someone reading in extra stuff into what I am saying.

On the feeling vs intellectual understanding, I agree with you, that the feeling is more useful in our society, mostly because it is faster I think. It has been optimized for it's specific function.

Logic seems more reliable, or more versatile I guess.
But, I suppose I will always prefer the intellect since the other, just doesn't seem to work for me.

I agree and I think that's why I'm suddenly unable to read people as well when I'm emotionally involved. Unfortunately, the times when I'm emotionally involved are the times this ability would help me the most. I wish there was a way to control my emotions so I could use my insight in those situations. It's as though I have this great talent that only benefits others and never myself.

Have you tried meditation? It's mostly just practicing being aware, practicing observing. With practice that skill becomes better. I've been able to stop meltdowns when I was meditating regularly. I once stopped it before it started, and felt great after.