Any of you not able to friends?

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I'm unhappy with when I try to make a friend and things don't work well. I think I might give up on the whole thing even though a online friend of mine said "I should put myself out there." I know I can't handle it.

I don't have local friends but I do have friends I made online by joining an interest group. After interacting on line for a while, some of us have met to do interest related things together a few times a year. I got along with some members, but not all. Now I can meet up with a few people off and on to do interest related things. I don't go to meetings and usually there are only one or 2 of us, we mostly talk about interest related stuff. that seems to be enough for me.
Listen to yourself, and find what you need. Just because somebody else says you should do something doesn't mean it is right for you. You get to choose how to do your own life.

I can make a good effort to make friends, but only at a superficial level. More passing acquaintances. That's because I've learnt to ask new people about themselves, but my limited rapport only extends to an initial chat.

I think I struggle to make meaningful friendships because I find time spent discussing 'nothing' to be a poor use of my time.

I am extremely fortunate that my wife has stuck with me for 30 years, 27 married, so she has become my best friend and confident. That said, she would love me to have friends so I could tell them about making homemade Kefir and Greek yoghurt instead of her.

I've mostly given up on interacting with people outside formal settings. With the exception of other autistic people, we communicate and think about things too distinctly. I have decades of living on a separate track from most of society and the gap in understanding only grows with time.

There is also the issue of the fact that I won't experience 'life stages.' The idea is that everyone is moving through some set path: something like early career, late career while married pair with kids, followed by retirement. Most use the concept these life stages to build a sense of common ground with each other. I only experienced the ones related with childhood, a period where I was ostracized. Now I'm no longer a child, but also not an 'adult' in the way society recognizes.

I do okay in organized environments like volunteer work or religious communities where there is a defined activity and a way of interacting with each other. I've thought about attending a reoccurring local board game gathering . I think I would do okay there as well, but that brings me to another challenge, my limited social energy.

My sparse romantic relationships have not gone that well, but that has more to do with my past insecurities following my childhood ostracization and inability to make friends as an adult. For whatever reason, I otherwise found romantic relationships easier to maintain. I suspect it would go better now that I've learned, without relying on distractions, to be more emotionally self sufficient and to feel less alone. Reducing the need for companionship may be somewhat novel and, in fact, I only achieved it unintentionally while focused on a different pursuit. However, the romantic partner would no longer have to try to fill the gap others fill with an entire friend group.

in some situations, some activities, not worth the cost benefit analysis.

risk vs reward


your friends (or anyone else) might think they know what's best for you, but every situation is different. your friend can't feel your emotions or anything like that.

peer pressure

only a couple of my precious "friends", were worth the time, energy and money it took to interact with them.

all, or almost all, of my previous precious lil "friends", grotesquely overestimated their importance, intelligence, wisdom, and et cetera.

I can or thought I could till I realise every time they are not friends, I was thiers and they were never mine. I think I'm all too quiet and too loud and too much and not enough for people to actually get to know me

I can't seem to make friends. I spent 20 years just being a hermit, but in the last 4 years it started to get to me, so I put myself out there. I met some ppl, but it's still not working for me. I feel like there is a wall between me and the rest of the world...I just can't seem to get through.

I think it's difficult to make friends from scratch, like meeting strangers, even with a common interest, and just making a connection. Some people, probably mostly NTs, are capable to connecting with someone new but I find that very difficult. But the few friends that I have I am close to and will talk to them about anything. I don't know how to do casual friendships. To me a friend is someone I can say anything to. (I don't mean saying anything unpleasant, I just mean talk about how I feel and what I think.)

I can.
But mostly I'm not interested unless I'm outright bored enough to go to them in my own volition.

It's easy being a useful no judgement dependable person -- that creates more allies than friends however, it's easier to make friends with allies.

But in the emotional sense?
I gotta honor them, though very aware not the same way they want me to respond -- which is usually either vibing with them or have a certain dynamic.

I'm very clear to anyone who dares to enter any relationship with me won't ever be a "normal" one.



In any sense, I never had the problem of overestimating my ability to make friends; probably because I never seek any in the first place. Thus I don't understand rejection; probably because I don't expect nor the one doing any prospecting.

In a sense, I never had to mind about making friends at all.
Usually , it's the other people who assumes things about me and approach me. I never had to try.
So I don't know if I actually find it difficult if I tried; but I cannot pretend any interest and act upon a false desire.

Nor I underestimate my ability to make friends. In fact, my ability to make friends just barely crosses my mind at all.

To me friendships happens when it happens. It's a bonus, not the main point.
It's a two way thing; if someone wants to, I do not mind and would just passively consent.
If someone doesn't want to, that's not on me because the interest doesn't lie in me in the first place.

No, I never tried to charm them nor try hard to make a good first impression -- that's just their impression of me if it came to it.
No, I never cultivated an approachable social image; if I ever did, I'd create the opposite of friendly. Nonetheless, I never tried at all.

Most of my focus is remain the same since childhood; my control over myself and my own autonomy.
Other people's reactions to me are just another entirely different thing.


By not having the need, meaning; I don't have loneliness to quell, a sense of isolation to rectify, a complex to re-enact, that 'lack of connectedness'/disconnection from other when I constantly feel this all encompassing connection with everything and everyone in the background.

Usually, to a point that I want a fricking break from it; a contrast so to speak. Physical isolation and the prolonged lack of contact probably did not seem to be enough.
Because I'm never "starved"; in fact, I'm fricking "gorged".



TLDR;

I don't care enough to know.
I never actually tried. Because I never needed it.

People are way more drawn to me than me drawn to anyone.

I'm grateful that I don't have this... 'Innate need' for connection and attachment.
Or at least I'm outgrowing it quickly without any heartaches involved.

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Yeah I don’t know how to act or what to say past a point. Like I know you’re supposed to make the person feel comfortable and I’m just awkward and feel awkward. Then it’s not everyday you meet anyone who has the same interests as you. It feels a lot of people at my job like to “party” (drink or drugs). I don’t do that. I don’t want to go to a huge room with tons of strangers in the dark. Pointless.

My feeling is, be careful what you wish for.

I am 59 years old, and have never learned how to make friends. I simply don't know how to do it. I entered therapy in 1980 at the age of 15 with this problem, and have probably had more than 1,000 hours of therapy by now -- if not much more. But there has been zero progress. I still have no idea how to make friends. At this point in my life, I am not certain what would be the point in making them. It's all over now, isn't it?