How Are You?

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How are you?

It is such a rhetorical question. Work colleagues that I am comfortable with, ask me that question with a certain amount of intrepidation because I answer the question.

I don't reciprocate by asking how they are. Why bother, I already know the answer. "I'm fine thanks". That said, I am doing my best to ask the question as apparently it is part of the 'social transaction' and establishes a connection before dealing with the real reason for the transaction.

I only understand the 'why' because I complained about asking the question to the right person.

I'm curious if anyone else has neurological idiosyncrasies that baffle their understanding...

Yeah it trips me up too. I'm a bit embarrassed to say that I've asked my friends before when they've asked me that if it was the ND or NT version. I think of ND and NT as separate languages.

While I did learned it meant a way to signal some sort of confirmation of whatever interaction...


... By instinct and choice, I'll either actually ask them why or literally answer them.

I don't answer with my life story, circumstances or something too personal and private, unless it's something they can literally see at that very moment.



I'll give them default or awkward answers if I don't have a mood to entertain them.

Surely, they can sense enough that sometimes that I'm just not interested at the moment without needing to say anymore word to them.

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I never quite knew what to say as if one went through assessing how one was ans gave a cetailed reply it is as if people don't want to know, but if one gives a standard reply like other people do which could be a lie or the truth depending on the day and hour and say "Fine thanks", then people don't like it if they hear it wasn't fine and one didn't tell them it wasn't fine!

I often try not to answer. In school I started saying "Perfect" because it was a reply that seemed to make people happy, but then I felt sort of vunerable and exposed wuen a teacher said "No one is perfect", as it meant I could no longer use it as a phraze and now had to assess myself like I used to in order to work out how to reply (And it takes time to assess oneself and people want an answer there and then!). But how can one possibly answer the question in just a few words?


It is like the one where if one meets people start talking about the weather, so I thought "Ok, I will learn the weather so I can have a conversation with them", so I spent a few nights learning what clouds meant what, and learning what they were called etc as we lived on a hill so had good distant views, and when a neighbour came up the lane and started a conversation about the weather like she usually did, armed with details I started pointing at clouds and saying their names and what weather was expected etc, and this elderly lady just stood there with her mouth open, so maybe learning the weather isn't so good after all? But why mention it time and time again whenever one meets if they didn't want to know the details? I don't get it as it makes no sense if one does not want to know! I give this as a similar topic where people talk about as it is like people asking "How are you" when they don't actually want to know!
My Mum found this out years ago when a new doctor came to the area, saw my Mum, stopped his car and asked her how she was... So she told him and went into detail to tell him how she was, and she said that for some reason he never asked her again. Mum said he didn't seem to want to know and she scared him off when she went into detail.

My usual response is "Still kickin' "
I never ask that though.... Perhaps "what's new?"

I actually really like "How are you." I like that it's a way to show more interest than just "hello." Both on the receiving end and the giving end. I do show genuine interest in how someone is, and I do answer truthfully, though not in detail. I might say, "I'm hanging in there" or "I'm doing okay" or I might briefly say something else.

And what could be better than having standard go-to things to say? It's often so hard to know what to say, I'm grateful that there's an accepted convention.

It's the classic "social fake." You ask the question, even though you probably couldn't care less about how they're doing.

I hate this. When my parents ask how I am, they actually want to know. When someone I work with who I've barely talked with before asks, I'm just expected to say "fine". What's the point in asking if you know what the answer will be? I'd rather spend the time discussing useful things.

This is something a lot of autistic people have trouble understanding. The situation is that there is a difference between factual information and social information. If someone says "It's been a long time! How have things been going with you?" then they are asking for an update on your status. This is factual information.

If someone walks into a room where you are and says "Oh, hey, how are you?" they are acknowledging your presence and letting you know that they are okay with you being in there. When you say you're fine and ask how they are doing, you affirm the same about their presence. This is an exchange of social information, which describes the relationships between people.

The importance of factual information is obvious, but social information is also important. For instance, if people think you aren't okay with them being in the room then that cause various problems for you down the line. If it's a coworker, they might not trust you when they have a problem, given you haven't even let them know you're okay with them being in the same room as you.

All cultures communicate factual and social information, but different cultures express social information differently. You can see why when you realize the social meaning is often completely unrelated to the literal meaning of the words. People normally learn these alternate meanings the same way they learn the literal meanings, through exposure during interactions with other humans.

Autistic people's first impulse may be to focus narrowly on the literal meaning. Sometimes we entirely fail to learn the social meaning as a result, leading to the type of conflicts with which I imagine we're all familiar. To non-autistics, the social meaning is obvious and learned without conscious effort, so they don't see how we could have failed to learn it. This only changes when non-autistics venture outside their native culture. There they may have similar challenges until they relearn the social meanings.

Welll-uh I-I-I-I'm still aliiiiiiveee.

I've never really known how to handle this question, especially when it's just used as a greeting.

I tell the person the truth. If I'm feeling fine, I tell them so and why. If I'm not feeling fine, I tell them so and why.

Is the not knowing how to respond is the issue, but then one has to go through ones body a bit at a time to give them an answer to the "How are you?" that takes time!

But if one replies a standard reply and they didn't want that...
I MUCH prefer to be asked "Are you ok?" as it is far easier to answer with a yes or a no.

Personally, I feel that the questions of 'how are you?' or 'how are you doing?' are often asked for the purpose of "breaking the ice."

Fine sankyou. Uhh, I wish I were a bird.

If they know they know.

Another of my stock responses is "Pass...next question."

I love watching their mental gears tick over while digesting that.

My mouth is not a bakery. I'm not going to sugarcoat things and say I'm fine when I'm not.