On being Friendless

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I was born (not knowing) HFA. I did not understand what my problem was for most of my life. Things that happened to me seemed a great mystery to me.

For decades, I have been puzzled by my lack of friendships and how quickly friendships, once formed, seemed to end.

Seems to be a clocking ticking anytime a new acquaintance / friend is made, when the long hand gets to 12, it's over. It may seem unfair but people can be judgemental. There are a lot of other people in the world, and people decide they can do better for a friend, and drop you, then move on to someone else. We are regarded as disposable, because there are so many other people in the world. It is like the situation at the grocery store, you can always buy a different brand of cereal, right?

I explained my situation to an allistic person, my boss, this way. I have an 8-bit social CPU, but a 64-bit technical CPU. My energy wanes around other people, but waxes when I am alone, or on the rare occasions I was blessed with a close friend. I lose energy at parties and crowded events. They exhaust me, annoy me and bore me, usually. Definitely do not like loud music or bright lights. Allistic people like this sort of thing, and wonder why I don't want to attend mass gatherings of people.

I was also puzzled by erratic job history, not performing well in certain jobs, doing better in others. Always having difficulties with the social aspects.

Then, around mid-forties, I came to the conclusion, I have Asperger's. I remember reading the Wikipedia page and thinking, "Gee, the symptoms sound like me." I remember taking a lot of online tests. Now I have zero doubt.

Asperger's is like the key to a lock I have been trying to turn for forty, fifty years. Before, I felt like a failure, maybe I did not try hard enough? Now, I realize, I tried as hard as I could, but there were limits, weren't there? There were limits on what I could do. I just didn't see myself as limited. But now I know that I am.

To compensate for my difficulties in life, what I did was adopt a frugal lifestyle. It can be an advantage for the autistic person. If you don't like going out, then you can save money by staying home, and there is no need to live in a high cost of living area like a big city. You can live further out into the country, where the cost of living is cheaper. The more you can dispense with in life, the more you save.

I also like to have a cat. My cat loves me and is a great comfort. He sleeps with me at night. It is a great consolation to have such a friendship with another living creature. It may be too much to ask to expect a human friendship.

I think the #1 thing an autistic person should learn is to get along with well with animals, especially dog or cat. That way, you can have a friend for life. It make a big difference.

But what about all the upkeep required having a pet?

I'm with Herr Silber,
A pet is worth it.
Friends and lovers come and go, but the right pet sticks with you as long as it can.
This trajectory sounds all too familiar.

Pets only like you because they are dependent on you.
If pets could hunt or make an instagram influencer account they would be just as soulless.

I’ve never had a pet but I can understand the appeal. At the moment books are my substitute for friends

I don't think I can play hockey with a dog, so I really need to focus on how to socialize with the only animal that can play.

I don't have any friends apart from this one Christian girl, she is a year younger than me, she stopped me on the street, this March, to invite me to this church which had a service next Tuesday which I went to.
I don't rate (I don't like it/ I don't love it, Its okay) the friendship, she is nice, she is good but yeah.
I am 19, I have (mild)autism
I was diagnosed in 2020 when i was in year 10, I was 15. 2 years after my referral to CAMHS. When I was at holiday in Ethiopia with my family, my parents took me to see this doctor, after noticing that me talking to myself sat on the bed in my pj's before bed also making hand gestures to myself, I was acting strangely, I wasn't acting/being like myself to my parents, my parents noticed me withdrawing from social situations. I saw on a CAMHS letter to me and my parents that said there was a deterioration in how I was acting and behaving I think even before going on holiday to Ethiopia. In Ethiopia I was "different", I "changed". All the way up until I was 13 I didn't show and have any stereotypical autistic traits.
When I was younger I didn't have any stereotypical autistic traits, no one even my own parents would of guessed that their first born daughter would be diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, I was absolutely fine, I was a bubbly, happy child and ......... also people thought I was fine because I looked and seemed fine idk
No one would off guessed that I had autism, maybe because its mild and the way it presents.
I didn't really have a friend growing up, people like my parents always said I have when I didn't. In primary school, there have been instances of girls picking on me, being mean to me, just not nice. Better experience than High School. Highschool was so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so bad, I was very very very very very isolated, always by myself, eating alone, hanging out by myself, couldn't make friends, everyday was hell, never had anyone, I got bullied, I got depressed, felt like s**t every single day, I was so so so so so so so so so lonely it was physically painful. After I got diagnosed with Autism my world went completely upside down, everything at home with my parents went so bad and a big big big big chunk of it is their fault (it is their completely their fault honestly), it was so bad for my mental health that was already so so so so so so so bad, life was shite for me, my family, school, outside of school, never had anyone to talk to for/about anything, couldn't go to anyone for anything. It was painful it sucked. Highschool is one of the worst things I have experienced/ I had to go through/do hopefully that makes sense.
I have told many people, like people that i didn't know vice versa that I have autism because maybe it might help them to understand me a bit, or "tolerate" things, or not take things that I say or do differently. I have said to many people that I have ASD because I thought telling them this would be helpful and useful going on forward as "friends", spoiler alert: they never were thoughts to begin with.
The person that diagnosed me with Autism Spectrum Disorder (Psychiatrist and Doctor) at CAMHS said that I just scored just above the cut of point to qualify for the diagnosis, which means my autism is mild haha.

my mum felt dis-belief at my autism diagnosis (she was shook I think same with dad hahaha lol), I accepted it swiftly, I didn't fail to accept it at all, I immediately accepted it, I was like what is autism to her (she told me and I understood and accepted); I googled about autism, I read a lot about it on the internet and watched YT videos a bit and followed autistic people on Instagram and that's how I got into psychology. My parents have said things like I'm not autistic to me. They have found it hard to accept it or understand that I am autistic.
I'm different. I have gotten infp-t twice, infj-t twice and isfp-t and entj-t. apparently i was an extrovert when i was younger.
I want to have friends like my neurotypical peers, like my neurotypical women, I want to have friends like neurotypical women my age have.
I want to socialize, I want to have a social life, go to social places and hang out with people and I'd enjoy it if people didn't act like I'm not interesting or worth it?
I want to have the friends I wan,t and the friendships I want, wait does that mean the same thing?

I have a largely different views over friendships.

When I was younger, actually, I don't actually have a real concept of friendship.
Just greed. Control. Pleasure. Haves and not haves.

I join groups to join activities and access to certain stuff, not to really gain friends.
Friends are bonuses though. If they come to me, I'll just honor them the best of my ability.


Attachment and loyalty sure. Nostalgia, all that fun and games...

But the true bond? Not really... That's rare.
Trust and understanding, even less so if not a but loopsided (like everyone can easily trust me, and I give them a lot of understanding).

I thought I needed friends the same way as most humans do.
I waited and waited to feel lonely, like most autistics write on their account.

Like waiting for me, an aroace, to suddenly have crushes, it didn't happen. There was no negative feeling that actually drove me into seeking any relationships.
Nor did any positive feeling drove me to seek more.

The common solutions for autistics do not work for me because... I never felt loneliness.


Why???
The same reason why I know being a human a little bit too much.
Same reason why I'm constantly socially gorged and I'm not talking about the concept of social batteries.

Obviously, the constant sense over the concept of all encompassing presence of being a part of something larger (in which is not even something I learned, but something I already do in early childhood) is not a popular option to solve autistic loneliness.
Nor does getting rid of said longing in the first place if there's any.


But sure.
I would like a cat.

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I've often struggled with the concept of friends
In childhood it was easy to recognise this relationship as you would have people that choose to associate with you on the playground.
As we mature, and our lives get more busy. It gets more complex as to weather someone you communicate with considered you a friend.
Do we need a spoken agreement? A writren contract? What does friend even mean in the adult world?
I believe that all aquantaces have the posibility of becoming good friends, as adults we have full capability of ignoring people we don't connect with, and those that choose not to ignore you likely take an interest in you.

It's very likely that my lonliness has made me delusional on the premise of friendship, but in thinking this way I have developed close bonds with others that I wouldn't normally think of as friend potential.

By the way, I love that you can see the positives of social isolation through frugalness. Its something I haven't thought about before but it made me smile.