Had it!

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This is a rant! For however long it takes, I am going to rant about something that most of you could probably care less about. This is only a rant.

GRRRRRR!! &(*^%$@(&^@$(*%@$(*^%@$(*^! !! !! !! !! ! GRRRR!! !! !! !! !! !! Stupid NT jerks can &*$%*&^$(&^$! !! ! GRRR!! !

I am SOOOO sick of trying to connect with people! I go to a forum where it seems other people share my interests in music and recording, just for a while, while I am taking a break from things and people say things that I don't know how to interpret, or that trigger an emotional response that I can't control (before anyone gets the bright idea of lecturing me on controling my responses then know this: I AM NOT ABLE TO!). The when I say EXACTLY WHAT I AM THINKING, I get bashed more! Then if I try to defend myself (I am not able to be a self-advocate) I find myself having to explain that I am autistic and I do not process the information I read in the same way as others. Then some seem to like me more, others start calling me things like Rainman and others assume I know nothing about anything when in fact I most likely have 10 trillion more bits of information stored in my brain then they are capable of storing in the collective brains of generations of their entire families! I AM SO SICK OF JERKS!

Then I come here, thinking "ahhh, pehaps a refuge," BUT NO!! !! !! !! ! Pages won't load on posts I really want to read and again I feel like I don't fit in with the majority of people using the forums. I am just going to have to accept that the reason I never fracking leave the stupid house and the reason I never fracking talk to anyone other than my live-in companion is because I don't fit in anywhere and as my doc says am unable to connect with people emotionally, or socially... which I am now, after my best effort to disprove it to myself, starting to believe! Of course, with a social and emotional developmental level of a 7 year old, I guess I couldn't expect to fit in with too many people that have the same intillectual interests as me anyhow.

To top all of this off, no one is able to help me understand certain things about Savant Syndrome and Synaesthesia and harldy anyone I try to ask for help understanding these things even seems to care. Same with Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder, which my companion and my doc are currently preparing to debate. He thinks I am also Bipolar, she thinks I am also Borderline. I think neither have taken into consideration that many of the symptoms of all 3 of the conditions I have already been diagnosed with share some of the same symptoms as Bipolar and BPD, plus they all compound each other to make some symptoms affect me way worse than others. SO what? I want to talk to my doc about this, but can I get an appointment? NOOOOO!! !! !! ! He only works on Monday, Tuesdsay and Wednesday and the only way I can see him sooner than scheduled is if there is a cancellation. GRRRRRRRR!! !!

Why do I even try to connect with humans? What is the point. Why bother when it only makes me feel like this? I give up. I think solitude is my best refuge from the cruelties of this backwards, arrogant, self-indulged, misguided, delusional race of disgusting human creatures. GRRRR!!

End of rant, for now.

When it comes to getting pissed off about the pages not loading, join the club. If you are haivng truble cnnecting with people here, stick around a while. Other people here don't make connections easily either, so it will take some time for you and other people to be comfortable with each other. I'm still struggling to make connections here too.

What do you want to know about synesthesia? What symptoms do you have? I have it too, I've done a lot of reading on it, and it would be cool to have somebody to talk about it to.

I will talk to you about it, but I can't right now, my companion just got home and I have to go eat. In the meantime, this is a post I posted on a Synaesthesia forum for you to ponder:

Hi.

I am a 38 year old autistic savant and I have just recently learned about synaesthesia. I took some online test which said I probably am not, although it did not even test me in the areas where I believe I may have it.

I see things in my mind when listening to music. There have been times when it was very visual (like in the darkness that I see when I close my eyes), like blobs of colors, or swirling rainbows. Sometimes it is like something that you would see moving in the shadows, I see it moving and can make out some color, or shapes, but can't quite identify it. Sometimes it is a hand playing an instrument. Somtimes it it just abstract moving images like shapes. Yesterday, while listening to Led Zeppelin I had a very visual image of red bricks bouncing down a flight of stairs during a part of one song. Often the images and colors seem to come out of the shadows and then retreat back into them. It seems to depend on the intensity of the music and is much more noticable with increased intensity. Certain tones, or frequencies seem to make me nausiated, physically uncomfortable, or agitated.

I do not see colors when I see shapes, letters, or numbers, but if someone says the name of a color then it is like I see the color in my mind, not really like a visual image on the back of my eyelids, but like a haze, or backdrop at the top of my head.

Because of autism I am a very visual thinker and my senses are always on overdrive, so I was wondering if I experience these things because of synaesthesia, my visual thinking traits, or both.

I'm sorry if this is a personal question, but what is a companion? Is that like boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/life partner?

DeepThought - I started a new synesthesia thread in General Discussion to keep the topic specific and consistent.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php? ... 5068#65068

I require assisted living. Companion is the term my doctor has given the person who takes care of me, like companion animal, but in this case companion human. We prefer it over caregiver. She is also my friend.

I like your posts, I feel drawn to read them.
As Sean says, do stay around, it takes a while to get to know each others quirks and ways. No one is exactly like you, but that is why we need you here.
It must be a common thing to feel welcome but sort of still feel on the outer, as I think that way too.

I'm sorry you feel that way, Deep thought. I have had times like that on this site too.

Thanks for the replies. I had forgotten all about this thread. I have been sticking around on this site since that rant, but I rarely visit the other forums that I mentioned in my rant. Actually, I have been posting less because I am back to mixing this CD.

I know what you mean.

Internet people are generally losers, I get bashed on every forum I go to but not really on this one.

It usually just makes me laugh because they're sad enough to try and hurt someones feelings who they don't even know.

It's made me hard. Probably a good thing.

DoofusMaximus told me after I had problems on the other forum (music related) that the people that were acting like morons were probably jealous because other people were commenting about how helpful my posts were. Oh well, acting like idiots may make them feel superior to me, but it certainly won't make them any smarter than me.

Those people acting like that (jealous) just shows how immature they really are.