I thought she was my friend

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For 25 years, I was very close with a woman who I thought was my friend. I met her back when I was a teenager when I didn't have any close friends. During those days she was my bus driver and she seemed so sweet and supportive. Then after high school and I stayed in touch through the years and appeared to have some great conversations. Then last year things ended abruptly when she told me over the phone that she needed to take care of herself and didn't have time to talk as much. Even though I gave her some room, I reached out one more time in May only to have her tell me that she was in the middle of an emergency and then hang up.

After that a light went off in my head that
1. That friendship was one-sided where I was always doing all the calling and reaching out yet she never lifted a finger.
2. From day 1 she seemed to play the victim and she would whine to me during work about how bad her life was
3. She tried to manipulate me into giving her money by talking about how bad her property taxes were. She even told me that it was so bad that she could not buy presents for her family. Yet she was able to buy me two presents, which I now know were love bombs
4. She told me some pretty sketchy stories in which she changed her stories several times
5. I also caught her in several lies

You need someone better. Don't need to analize her. Many people are faulty and have flaws. You could do with another friend.

I used to find a friend but then after a certain amount of time, they would distance themselves and do things that puzzled me which I later picked up as called "Hints".

So when I found someone to be friends with, I would purposfully only visit once or twice a year so it wasn't an issue and I could stay friends with them. Only problem was that this plan didn't work, as covid came so I did not visit them, and then they both died after having the vaccine booster as they both caught covid just after having it. I only found out when Mum.and I were visiting the graves where my Dad and Grandmother was buried, and I saw his grave. Then I tried calling in a few times but no reply. Then took Mum to the graveyard again and saw her name on the grave as well! It was awful as not many people I found I could really connect with. They were a rare few and I miss them!


You are a nice person.

Thanks for your advice Mountain Goat and I have other friends. It just that this woman and I were close for many years. However, the real reason I ended up connecting with her was because I didn't have any real friends during high school. At the time my "Friends" would exclude me from things all the time and it was hurtful. Meanwhile, lots of people kept underestimating and were not supportive. Whereas, she seemed to be the only person who supported me.

However, I realize that it was a toxic friendship in which she would always dump on me about how bad her life was. Because I was so lonely, I felt sorry for her.

It is natural to pare down your friends as you get older. You realize some are not for the long haul.

It is hard to find a friend that is not toxic. People are pretty manipulative in general. They want you to do something. For them. That is why they become friends.

If they estimate you can't do anything for them, now or in the future, then they will not select you as a friend, or will drop you if you are a present day friend.

I see nothing necessarily wrong with expecting favors from a friend, as long as both the expectations and their fulfillment are mutual and compatible. For many people (though not for everyone), exchange of favors is one of the foundations of friendship. It becomes problematic if either (1) one person expects/wants something that the other person is not able or willing to do, or (2) the favors are one-sided.

Also, if a friendship involves exchange of favors, it should involve much more than just that. If it involves just that, it's a business transaction, not a friendship.

As I see it, most friendships have at least three of the following four foundations:

1) Companionship (enjoying each other's company).
2) Emotional intimacy.
3) Comradeship (facing common challenges together).
4) Exchange of favors.

In my former friend's case, she never asked me for the money. Instead she was very sneaky and manipulative in which she would play the victim from day 1. For instance, she would always talk about how her taxes so high that she could not afford certain things. One such example was that she could not afford to buy presents for her family members and how they were mad at her right? However, she managed to love bomb me with a birthday and a christmas gift. Looking back, I realize that those were love bombs.

In the meantime, I also realize how sketchy this woman was. For instance, she changed her stories about how and why something would happen to her.

However, I looked at that friendship through rose colored glasses