Struggling to Maintain Friendships

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I’ve been reflecting on my struggles with maintaining friendships, especially the patterns I’ve noticed over the years. I feel like I’m constantly walking a tightrope between wanting a connection and feeling overwhelmed or misunderstood, which sometimes leads me to withdraw.

Even as a child before primary school, I remember struggling with the complexities of friendships. For example, I had a good friend in my neighbourhood. We were close, but one day, her friend came near us. I assumed they were talking about me behind my back and excluding me. It felt like a betrayal, even though it wasn’t true. At that moment, my emotions took over. I shouted at them and cut ties completely. Looking back, I see how I overreacted, but at the time, it felt so real and unbearable.

This pattern has followed me into adulthood. In high school, I often felt like an outsider, even when I was part of a friend group. I struggled to keep up with group dynamics and couldn’t tell if people genuinely liked me or were tolerating me. Some of them were pretty rude and into gossip a lot. They were even bullying me sometimes, which I was not aware of at that moment. I was figuring out these later these days, or I was missing or even not remembering their actions at all.

Also, sometimes I’d feel close to someone, but then I’d suddenly feel cold toward them or pull back without fully understanding why. It’s like my mind creates these invisible barriers whenever I sense the slightest hint of rejection or exclusion, even if it’s just imagined. I’ve also had moments where I felt like I was doing all the work in a friendship. When I didn’t get the same energy or effort in return, I’d start overthinking: Do they actually care about me? Am I just a burden to them? These thoughts would spiral until I convinced myself the best option was to step away, even though I later regretted it.

Also, my connection with my ex-close friend used to be centred on shared interests like storytelling and my creative projects, but as those faded, our friendship became more strained. Additionally, her kind gestures, like giving me gifts, often leave me feeling guilty because I can’t always reciprocate due to financial and personal constraints. I am not good at finding gifts for people, though, and it is very stressful to decide. On top of that, I sometimes sense judgment or misunderstandings, which makes me hesitate to reconnect, especially if there are other people I don't like and find not sincere but close to my friends. These complexities, combined with my personal struggles in social settings and my tendency to retreat into my comfort zone, have made it challenging to navigate and sustain friendships lately.

What makes this even harder is that I genuinely crave meaningful connections. I want friendships where I can be myself, but I often don’t know how to balance that with the emotional energy they require. Group settings are especially tough for me; everyone else seems to understand the unspoken rules, and I always feel like I’m one step behind.

These experiences have left me feeling conflicted. On one hand, I want to be close to people and share my life with them. On the other hand, I often feel like I’m sabotaging my own efforts by overthinking, misreading situations, or withdrawing when things get complicated.

I’m wondering if you have felt this way too.

Yes. Almost all of that.

Yes, I felt that way in high school and college. As I age, I don’t worry as much about what others think of me. I have always been very independent, and life is too short to dwell on what I might be doing wrong. After learning coping strategies with cognitive behavioral therapy, I found it easier to keep things in perspective and relax. Now I am taking my son to learn how to reframe his depressing thoughts. I can’t control others, only myself. Hang in there.

Oh, yes. I’m much older than you and I can tell you that it doesn’t get easier with age. I had more activities in common with others when I was younger so there were more real life opportunities for connection then. The Internet and social media have complicated things immensely. Having said that, you are at an age where more community events will be available to you if you choose to seek them. Choose your favorite interests so that you are less likely to feel bored or uncomfortable.

I agree with you about the discomfort of gift giving/receiving too. I sometimes think that the gift giver is trying to boost his or her social credit score in the process, which feels insincere and superficial to me. I’d rather work at a job that pays me fairly to buy whatever I need on my own and use that income to share coffee or a meal with a friend. That is more meaningful to me, but I know that the NT sphere runs differently.

I also think it’s wise to be cautious in new relationships (friendships or otherwise) to determine motive. No one wants to be the recipient of ‘love bombing,’ ‘catfishing,’ or other deceptive intentions. If something doesn’t feel right then it probably isn’t.

Above all, be kind. The world needs more authentically kind people.

Oh, I completely understand what you're saying, especially about things not getting easier with age. I sometimes wish I had been this age in the early 2000s before the internet and technology complicated everything so much. It feels like those genuine friendships and relationships I used to see have disappeared, leaving us in a world that feels soulless. I think being on the autism spectrum makes this even more overwhelming, at least for me. Trying to stay constantly connected online and interpreting social cues from a distance is exhausting.

In my country, this sense of soullessness is very apparent. Even when I watch old TV shows, I see warmth, sincerity, and normal people, but now everything revolves around luxury, status, and wealth. Ironically, the general population is becoming poorer, with economic crises and social breakdowns worsening things. As a student, I can’t even afford to go out for a drink, let alone attend a concert. Everything is just so expensive.

About community events, I understand what you mean, but honestly, I haven’t found many meaningful opportunities at my school. I’m graduating this year, and I don’t feel much connection with the people there. The events available are also limited. For example, I wanted to join the GameJam at some universities, but the spots were full, so I couldn’t participate. It’s disheartening when even small opportunities like that feel inaccessible.

I also completely agree with your point about gift-giving. It’s never felt like my thing either. Regarding being cautious in relationships, you’re absolutely right. I’ve been reflecting on this myself because of my experiences with friends and others. I sometimes wonder if I unintentionally attract people who have been “different” in some way because of my neurodivergence. This one friend, in particular, said she can’t feel emotions. She has even told me she thinks she might be a psychopath. Of course, friends are supposed to listen to and support each other, and I try to do that, but hearing about their psychological struggles can be so heavy for me. It drains my energy and affects me negatively, I don’t know how to handle it. Sometimes she makes harsh comments that scare me or make me feel uncomfortable. She is also close to people I find insincere, even though she tells me she dislikes those same people. It makes me question their authenticity, and that's why I couldn't maintain my friendship with her even though she was my closest friend in the university. I guess, I just tend to make bad choices at the beginning by finding the wrong people in friendships and relationships.