My Personal Experiences (Please Read)

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Hi, I know I don't post alot, I'm more a fixture on the chat room (Aspie_Dude), but there are some things I would like to share with you all on the apporach of my 20th birthday:

All the time, we hear from teachers, parents and social workers their now-so-effective advice on how to "Make Friends" and score chicks (or guys). The truth is, I have found, is that very rarley do these methods work nor do they genuinley represent the true realites of the NT social world.
First, let me go into my own experiences. I'll be 20 on the 7th, and frankly, life has been a mixture of good and bad on the social front. I have been blessed with one true friend (Rich), some other friends and many aquatances(sp?) over the years. But as I have learned, people come and go. When I was younger, I oft wondered why this would be so. Then I went into research mode and beagn my quest for the truth. Sadly, the findings I have come up with are not all that grand.
It has been said that people don't "Marry Down". This phrase means that people do not engage in realtionships with people they see as being beaneth them. This is often the truth. As cycnical as this may sound, people more often than not choose friends on the basis of what can be "gained" from the friendship (and no, I don't mean those warm and fuzzy things like "companionship" or "mutual interests"). Ever wondered why the gangster or jock kids have more friends? It's very simple. People feel they benefit from being in the good graces of strong people. Those hot chicks? Everyone wants to feel attractive or feel as thou they are attractive to attarctive people. Rich people? Who doesn't want rich friends.
In short, basically, people do judge you on looks, strength, money, popualrity. And once people figure out that you have no friends, people assume there is a reason for it, and therefore the vicous cycle of unpopualrity continues. In order to have a genuinely good friend/sex life, you need to sit back and say to yourself "What is it do I bring to the table?". Ask yourself why someone would be friends with you. Also, ask yourself what kind of friends do you want to have. I think many people on this site try to run with the "cool" kids. I hate to break it to you, but "cool" kids want to be with other "cool" kids. Bar none. Try looking at being with people who are like yourself.
Also, people say "Don't worry about what others think of you". I'm here to say that's BS. What others think of you could be the only difference in many aspects of your success. It could be the difference between getting the corner office and staying stuck on the cube farm. It could be a difference between going home to your place on Friday night and going home to her place . In some serious instances, your projection of strength/weakness could determine weither the thug on the corner robs/f***s with you. Image genuinley is everything.


I'm not saying these things to try and discourage your quest for friends. To be honest, I'm trying to do the opposite. I just felt like getting my voice out there and sharing things that I've noticed over my life and in other's lives. Please keep an open mind to what it is I have said here and I hope the personal experiences I have shared with you go a long way into helping you find happyness.

I don't hang out on the chat site, but after reading your post, I think I should!

I am 34, and it took me many years to understand the stuff you talk about. You are quite wise beyond your years, but what makes it great is that it seems not to get you down. It is just the way it is, and you're ok with it. That is great - cause it is all ok. One of the reasons I keep coming back to this site is because I honestly enjoy the company of those that are a bit like me, on my level (and that level is not above or below anyone else, it is just that: a level). And yes, we're not cool (although I think that may improve, as rude is now the new cool, with TV series like House and Regenesis... )

I also firmly believe that you really only need one good friend. Someone that you truly like for the good and accept for the worse, and the same from their side towards you. Just one mind that you can share your life with. That makes it all ok.

Thanks for the good post.

Your points about people hanging with jocks and marrying up are true enough, but that's not often why they fall in love. Love and marriage don't always go together like a horse and carriage. People can fall in love with someone supposedly "below them." That could mean socially below them, but spiritually equal. Or, it could mean the opposite: Someone falls in love with someone spiritually below them because it reflects poor self esteem. So many shades involved...

I'm 28 and I can't imagine genuinely caring what other people think of me, but I've also found that it's essential to worry about it because of what you said--the extent to which other people like you determines your survival. In all the jobs I've had, I've worked a lot harder than everyone else, but I'm always the first to get laid off because I can't relate to my co-workers. As a result, I've gone through a lot of financial hardship. It seems like I'm in a lose-lose situation. If I act natural (not talking very much, avoiding small talk), then people see me as "unfriendly", "rude", or even "fragile". (Apparantly, being quiet conveys emotional sensitivity?!) If I make an effort to act normal, people notice how unauthentic it is and they say, "You're trying too hard. You shouldn't care what other people think of you." It's impossible to explain to them that I don't actually care, but I still have to worry about it if I don't want to end up hungry and homeless. Fortunately, I have a boyfriend who is similar to me and therefore understands.

Well sir, you're pretty much dead on about how all this social stuff works. Took me a little longer than u to figure it out, but I eventaully did, and people really are drawn to other people they see as being above themselves.

People's preceptions of you may be everything, but image isn't always truth; and in many cases, can be controlled. Being someone that people see as beneath them is usually a result of low self-esteem on your part. By simply having the confidence to interact w/ the cool people as equals w/o any shame or self doubt, you're pretty cool yourself. To further expand on your original findings, image boils down even further, and self-confidence is everything.

Aspiedude--I'm 29 years old and have experienced many of the same frustrations. I went through high school and college being bullied, picked on, teased, not having many friends, and being left out of activities. So, as I look back on the first three decades of my life, here is some advice that I can give you.

First of all there are probably many more people out there who like you than you think. I found that out in college. What some people told me is that many people did like me, but that I "made it hard" for people to want to be friends with me. They identified comments that I would make and inappropriate behaviors. I was able to modify my behaviors and my situation got better as I got older. What I can say is that changing how you act doesn't change how you are.

Secondly I would sit down and identify what behaviors that you exhibit that might turn people off. I would figure out how you handle various situations and what behaviors elicit negative responses. One suggestion that I did was write a journal of certain activities, identifying how I acted, how the other person reacted, and what I could do differently. It helped me identify certain patterns that were creating negative social consequences for me.

Finally I'd try not to be emotionally. I would not look like I was desperate to be friends with people. People don't want to be friends with emotionally needy because they don't want to deal with and take ownership of others' emotional baggage. They don't want to deal with other peoples' insecurity, jealousies, resentment, and self-esteem issues.

I hope that this post helps.