unknown....advice in need

Post Reply New Topic

I feel very sad......I understand a 'given' in social interaction is that my efforts/affection/feeling/attention should be reciprocated ~ 1:1 by the other, yes? (Mirrored) Often I might like (or even love) someone very much. Oh, I am a private person and do not reveal much. But, the quandry: I have to reveal/share some so I can make an acquaintance. I have someone I love and admire. I write often, visit when we are able (we both have quite busy schedules), draw pictures for him, share fun stuff (photos he likes, newsarticles to his liking, etc). He definitely does like this - I know for sure. Plus, he even says he's flattered by my attention. I do not overwhelm and am certainly not intrusive. I do keep everything upbeat but I am intense. Anyway, I do notice, that he does not reciprocate nearly as much whilst appreciating my input and efforts. I can exhaust myself trying to please, and even though he says he's my friend (he is) this equation is unequal.

This weekend (well, Friday) I had a tetnus/whooping cough/diptheria vaccine and had a really high fever. I came home exhausted (I had hardly slept for a few days) after getting my tires changed and my pet snake, Phallix, had died. I was also overhwhelmed with homework responsibilities for the weekend (nothing new). Again, I am conscientious to not show sadness (from these events). He called, and I said I was fine but just briefly recanted the events. He told me about his current events, rehearsal upcoming, etc. He said he'd like to see me on Saturday, which would have been nice, but he was busy (I do understand). Then he said Sunday is 'out' because that's his relax-at-home day.

I realize everyone needs a 'relax' day (I never get one!) but if I had a friend I hadn't seen for a while who was not feeling well, physically and emotionally, I think I could have offered an hour or two of visit, yes? The week before I gave him a reading material (some I had written), etc - he said he liked! So, I sense this is one of those relationships that's very one-sided, but how can I be sure?

A while ago, he asked, "What would be really fun date for you, maybe dinner and a movie?" He knows I don't get dates, except I take myself sometimes. I said, "Yes, I think so!" He then suggested that sometime soon we'll do just that. I believed him and even felt excited and flattered. That was then.....clearly, it's just a socially nicety on his part to say, but this 'date' will never come into fruition.

Seemingly, being a HFA means I have to try really hard to have a friend but how do I know what a friend really is? I am a friend, for certain - I give a lot and care. But, where is the equilibrium? I've noticed this trend.....am I just painfully naive?

Separately, I just began at the University, which I do love. The hard part is that I see others making friends, getting together to study, having someone to sit next to in class......I am excluded. I am always told (and hear), paraphrase, "She's really brainy - very sweet, shy, pretty!.....autistic (that's too bad). But, I have feelings too. On Mondays no one ever asks me, "How was your weekend?" Or asks me to study with them.

Mostly, I am a loner. But I try very hard and I know my quietness &/or manifestations of autism is often misinterpreted. I have had some say (not in this setting), "You seem....unreal." Does anyone here know how to make a friend? Further, how can you know if this friendship, if it occurs, is out of equilibrium, like I related above? I am very conscientious - do not be harsh with me. Plus, I just really can't take it now. I feel sad - even betrayed. I'm tired of my kindnes being misinterpreted for weakness. I try harder than anyone I know and it's as if they sense my vulnerability. They (the one I mentioned specifically) like what I offer! But, as far as anything further that is tangible....well, no. I suspect I'm just not relatable, but convenient - not what I intended!

Again, no big deal....but this morning I dropped off my car to be winterized at the mechanic's shop and they gave me an early morning courtesy ride to the University, where I spent the day. I took a taxi back to the mechanic's shop to pick up my finished car. The mechanic just happened to mention, in passing, after discussing car stuff, "You didn't have someone to give you a ride back to the shop? Maybe a friend?" The answer is no - always no. Actually, I wouldn't ever impose. But I realized I would have given anyone a ride, if asked. Do others have these repeated happenings (not just isolated incidents)? What do you think of my 'friend' (above), whom I've invested my efforts in? Please help me.......
Specifically how do you share (which is requisite for making an acquaintance) but not let that be arsenal for the other? Or maybe they just don't care.

Are any of you aware that in AfterCare (such as for schizophrenics in recovery, others with mental health disorders, etc) there is a ComPeer program (may be called something different in your locale - same concept though), since having an acquaintance (I do not have even one) or a friend (I might have one - unsure though) is really requisite for being healthy? Even shy people (like me) still need some social interaction/stimulus or they just don't fare well. Would this be applicable for me? I just cannot make it socially even though I do not do anything 'wrong' or 'bad.' I'm just sort-of a social kindergarterner (very naive, honest)....I guess I just don't 'get it.' Please tell me if this is viable and how. I really mean this and I am not just stating this arbitrarily - please listen, respond. Tell me. Seriously, if I had the money (which I don't) I would consider hiring a male escort just so he could talk to me and take me somewhere with him - I know this is pathetic, but true! I'm feeling suicidal because of this desperateness which cannot be resolved. Is there a place for those like me (ie: Some program, like the above mentioned?) I don't need much, just maybe someone to be nice to me. No one wants the Lab Pet.

When I went to UAF back in the mid 90's, I went to the student med center and got myself a counselor. Her name was Priscilla and she moved away from Fairbanks, and Alaska. I thoroughly enjoyed my talks with her.

I don't know if that would be one small step for you towards not feeling alone. I don't mean substitute a counselor for a friend, but having that sympathetic ear was nice for a while, for me.

Just like you have your issues, your friend may have his. There's no way I could even begin to assess your relationship with him and suggest a course of action that would mean much to you. I could tell you all the things other folks here might... 'dump him', 'write a letter explaining your needs, feelings, and what you don't want out of the friendship', etc.

How did you meet this acquaintance? Is it possible to repeat the experience but with someone else?

If you are in Fairbanks and you like folk music (fiddle, guitar, accordion), you might try going to a ContraDance.
They usually have them at Alaskaland in the Fall/Winter. Lynn Basham was a counselor at UAF, a Quaker, and a local dance caller.
The dances sometimes resemble square dancing, but it is different.
The Fairbanks group was a great group to be with. For the most part, they would happily accept anyone into the dance even if that person had trouble with dancing.
We even had a blind girl at one of the UAF dances once. Everyone just made sure to point her in the right direction when it was time to move. She told me she had a wonderful time.

Things like this might be good for learning socialization, because you don't have to get out and dance.
You can just sit back and watch everyone else until you are comfortable enough to try dancing once.

The Quaker church is a very open and friendly place. I don't like churches and the corresponding religions that build them, but the Quakers in Fairbanks were different folks.
The first hour of their 'meeting' was spent in silence. We would sit in a circle, children would go off to the next cabin for kid's stuff.
The older teens and adults would just meditate for the first hour, unless someone 'felt the spirit move in them' and spoke out about something.
I found it very calming and nice.

Many of these folks went to the Contra and Folk dances also, so it felt like a small familiar group.

If you're in Anchorage, I know there are Contra Dances there also (well, actually I haven't lived in Alaska since '96, so I may not know anything about it anymore).

I wish I could tell you more. Heck, I wish I could come up to Alaska just for a visit... I love that place!

I do not know anything about AfterCare, but why don't you check it out?
It might be that the people who run it will say it isn't for you, or it may help fill that void in your life if only for a short term.

Fear. I think that is what drives them. In this era of tolerance and acceptance, being politically incorrect is the worst crime. It is dealt with by exclusion.

In fear of being accused of thought crime, being insensitive, or something, they remove themselves from all but safe situations.

Did you hear about that guy who was taking advantage of that really sweet autistic girl, and he has a sudden worse than rapist reputation, taking advantage of the disabled. Gossip does not go away, it grows.

There is also elietism. You are in a program where people have put their whole life into rising.

Some is very normal. As I told my girl in High School, 75% of these people will just stop growing, and when you are at the University, half the Freshman class will drop out. She does well in school, and belongs in the top 10%. She said she saw it, and watched her friends drop out and have a baby, while she did not date.

Now a Freshman, and still not dating. It is the right path for her, she has friends, a mix, those who treat her as a person.

I hear what your mechanic was saying, all of a University, and not one of them would see someone in need and help them? It has been more than once I have been broken down, white people in nice cars zoomed by, but the first Blacks, Mexicans, or mechanics stopped, offered to help, and if we could not fix it, took me to a safe place. Welcome to being a minority, a member of the lower classes.

If your car had not been fixed, waiting on a part, you would have been offered a ride. It is cultural not personal. Those zooming by think of what they have to lose, those who stop know loss, and would not leave another to suffer.

I have the same problem, I look white, but am rejected by whites. I get along much better with the international set. They too feel out of place and excluded, and are not so touchy.

I smell the waters of the Rio Bravo, Oh, Hi Juan. Mohanmmed flunked out of terrorist school, his camel ran off, so he works in a store in the belly of the great satan. Bob is a low life always covered in grease, be cause he has too fix cars for doctors, after they come back from the dealer. I always invite my Islamic friends to all the keggers and pig roasts. I know they are here to suffer for they are allowed three wives.

We are not politically correct, but if I need a ride, a tool, or a smile, they are always there for me.

Quit being so self centered, what are you, autistic or something?

Look around, are there people from far away, other cultures? Do they feel as isolated as you do?

In other cultures I am the good American, they have never abused my friendship.

I love Lab Pet.

If I'm not misunderstanding what you wrote I sometimes do that on forums, you at least want to start dating this person. And if I am reading it right I'd say gather your thoughts. And just tell him I'm sure he already knows you are far from the best at spilling you heart out so to speak. ands if you two just genuinely enjoy each others company merely as friends as well you still have that if rejected.

I had a friend in high school who I talked with. As time went on I grew to fall in love with her. It took till after our graduation for me to realise that and i was feeling more and more stressed out. once i told her of my feeling i was kindly rejected it seems she was Asexual. For the rest of the day I felt physically ill but that's normal for anyone who gets their first rejection. The next day I felt better and the two of us are still friends.

All I know is if I understand your post right don't keep it in, it only eats away at you till you just let it out and the longer you take the more akward it is.

Lab Pet,

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Remember that this community is here to support you and help you. Unfortunately, many people go through this kind of confusion and difficulty, and I personally know how you feel.

In regards to your guy friend, your description reminds me of something my wife pointed out to me a while ago. My wife has many friends, and she is my only friend. She has a variety of friends with whom she can discuss all kinds of issues in her life, and I have only her. Consequently, I tend to invest in her all of my emotion, energy, and attention (of course I think I should as her husband), which can make her sometimes feeling smothered and burdened with expectations. I wonder if your guy friend is feeling the same way.

He sounds like a sincere, nice guy from your description. I don't think he would have suggested you might go out on a date if he didn't really want to. I've never even heard of a guy doing that, not even as a mean joke. He might just be a shy fellow who hasn't actually worked up the courage to ask you yet. Many guys are reluctant to ask unless they are absolutely sure of the answer, and even then they're still really nervous.

If somebody else said you seem "unreal," he may also still be evaluating you. I wonder how long have you known him?

Please don't despair, people are here to help you.

I'm also sorry you lost your friend, Phallix.

i'm definitely NOT a good source of info on this subject, as i struggle socially too. but here's a couple thoughts in the spirit of being helpful...

maybe your friend would otherwise be more involved, but he just happens to be depressed at the moment?

maybe you should confront him and say, you know, "seems one-sided, blah blah, is it me, blah blah.. do you want to take this further or end it blah blah"

or you know what helps me to socialize is drinking a glass of wine or 2. it's easier to loosen up and people can experience more of your personality. sometimes i think people are put off by quiet people cause they think maybe they just aren't that interesting. we know that's not true, but that's how it seems people are sometimes.

i need to control my mouth more, some people need to control their mouth less. i used to not talk really at all. then i decided i needed more social interaction so i started to talk more. now i just always put my foot in my mouth. i liked it better when i was quiet. it makes me want to just seclude myself more. so for me, that's the plan for now. no trying to be ms socialite,(internet doesn't count ) and i'm just gonna go to counseling till i get this mess all figured out.

good luck!!