How do you initiate a friendship?

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I asked a popular friend of mine (my only friend at university) how she made other friends, and she said she just talked to people in her classes. (I met this friend in halls.) I talk to my classmates occasionally, but no one ever asks me out to do anything after class, and I don't know how to ask myself.

So how DO you initiate a friendship?

I know all the typical answers like, "Just invite them out to do something," or, "Find a common interest," or, "Join a club."

But what happens after that? I want to invite a couple classmates out to do something, but don't know how to phrase it, or when to jump in. It feels so forced, and I am TERRIBLE at reading people - are they just being polite to me, or do they really get along with me? Plus, one of my classmates who I have a lot in common with is a guy, but I don't want him to think I'm hitting on him, haha!

I suppose making friends is not necessarily an Aspie strength, but anyone have suggestions for me? (The more specific, the better! I need this spelled out, lol.)

OK, it looks like some tips may help.

1) Lots of us can't drink alcohol so one trick I've found is to order a lime juice and soda from the bar. Depending on the light it looks like white wine or even champagne and nobody will ever know. When in the UK I've also ordered a pint of still orange and nobody will give this a second glance, they just see the pint glass in your hand.

2) We all know that asking someone out is about as difficult as finding SQRT(PI) using roman numerals, so here's something useful which I read years ago. The secret is HOW you ask someone out, if you just say something like "would you like to go to the movies on Friday night" then your answer will probably be no. If however you look at the movie page in the local paper, find two or three decent alternatives then ask "which would you like to see, firstmovie, secondmovie or thirdmovie" then you may get a better result. The secret is that the first question invites a yes/no answer but the second question doesn't.

3) Finally, don't try so hard. If you get all nervous and then try to act just like some cool guy you might have seen on the TV then it will show. Start off slowly, form one or two casual friendships at first and (although you might have heard this advice before) be yourself.

Ed Almos

Many of my friends I met thru other friends that I have had for a long time, they introduce me and then I do the rest, usually its at a party or gathering and so I have my 'mask' on and start talking, before ya know it, if we find a similar interest we talk about that and BANG, new pal!

Other times, at least at work or collage, when I knew nobody I would just get involved in the social circles, tell a few dumb jokes or give my opinion, this option is to be used only during the right circumstances, but I have had positive results, you just gotta be confident.

I don't know how.

Popular is a overrated term. I have about 8 friends in school. I Come to school and Ask them to play magic or maybe play XBox,
If I took it to school. Easy for me only 40 students. There are maybe 4 or 5 NTs in my school. Most of the students grew up with negletful parents, ADHD,ADD, terrets. I am the only Aspie. I still go to school with people that like the same things just not as Much. My friends are all outcasts they didn't finish eleimentary school without 10 Detentions lined up.

If they went to The Acacemy they would never be out of trouble. They are not the populare croud but they are my friends and I like'em

Thanks for the tips, everybody.

And Ed, I am so glad you posted about the alcohol thing! I am not a big drinker, and when going to school in the UK, drinking is sort of a given.

Anyway things are going well for me. Mostly I've decided to stop worrying about it! It's amazing how when you don't care, it's so much easier to be yourself and even enjoy yourself, alone or with others...

I have the same question. In general whatever I do I will screw up and I pretty much have to accept I'm never going to be invited to do anything with any NT's. They just know better, I guess. but what I've found is you need to be confident but go with the flow. For God's sake don't talk anyones head off (which is uncommon for aspies). Be yourself... yes and no. Your going to have to come out of yourself. Extraverted people aren't really going to be friends with a person who cannot be extraverted despite their greetings and other shy people seem to find shy aspies plain weird and almost always go for NT guys. (in terms of guys or at least in my case). Only a few girls will give me a chance and out of them, close to 99% give up. I can't make friends with a girl to save my life. With guys, it's different but I really don't have an interest in most things other guys do so that makes it hard. I mean who the hell gives a crap about the weather anyway? I really am upset about this too, but hey what can I say.

Dustin

In University I found out that talented students get other people's attention.
so take classes where you can shine and people will come to you for advice,
then after talking to them, go out for lunch with them, form study groups, complete projects together, etc
it's better to have fun with classmates than being alone.


I also never did good in clubs, those are for outspoken people mostly.
they like promoting their club activities and need good speakers.
also, having a job a the college bookstore allowed me to meet a lot of other students.

good luck!!

I've had similar difficulties making friends. My advice is not to come off needy. I've generally found that, if you come off as being emotionally needy, people aren't going to want to be your friend. That scares them off because you might appear high-maintenance and people hang out with friends because the interactions are rewarding to them. The challenge is to make it rewarding for both them and you to hang out.

I would get involved in activities, volunteer, go to the gym, and do social activities like that. You're bound to make friends that way.

I wouldn't look to work or the office to find friends due to boundary issues. I personally try not to mix friendships and work because there is a potential for significant problems. While, if I do make a friend at work, I won't not be friends with someone, but I won't "seek out" friendship at work either.