To try to have friends or not have friends?

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My son is having similar problems at college.

I think the issue is finding people that you actually LIKE, that have similar interests to you. You're going to find people a lot more interesting if they read the same books, play the same games, and have the same political views.

For instance, my son is going to a very conservative college in the West. He was raised on the east coast. He likes school, but he's living in a VERY social apartment complex, with young girls and swimming pools. EVERYONE is dating like crazy. He tried that, and didn't like it. He was very frustrated with living there, wanted some kind of neighborhood that was more artsy/bohemian, but this college is in a really small town.

He got a job a few days ago, working as a janitor, and all of the janitors go out at 2 am when work is done and get something to eat. Right away, these were more interesting people. First of all, they weren't spoiled brats, because they're WORKING. Second of all, people who pay their own way tend to just be less shallow. My son is infinitely more happy, in just a couple of days of working with people he likes.

He may improve his situation by finding a less social, more unusual place to live. He also is going to try attending the campus Young Democrats club to find people that think the way he does. I think that doing all of these things will make the college situation more tolerable.

Also, your experience that you described about going to this place to hang out sounds like Aspie hell, basically. A place like that is all about chit-chat, not really about getting to know people well. No wonder you didn't enjoy yourself there. My son would have just hated that kind of situation.

I think it would be helpful for you to throw yourself into classes, clubs, social situations where there's some meaning for you. Your need for a friend or two who understands YOU is natural. You just have to think about where people who think like you are likely to be.

Kris

I am in a similar situation myself.

Tim

Starting with where you live can help. When I was living in a dorm, everyone on the hallway knew each other, and got along reasonably well, simply because of how tightly packed in there we were. It would have been hard to not get to know someone on that hallway.

After that, while I was living in an apartment, my neighbors would talk to me if we passed in the stairwell, or invite me over for a beer on weekends, that sort of thing. I really didn't have to make that effort to make friends with them, they seemed to be the ones to really take the first step, which helped a lot.

Also, classes. There will be people studying the same things as you, so that's something in common. There's always the chance that someone will ask about homework, or an exam, or the professor, or something along those lines, and that can branch out to other things. Again, I didn't feel like I had to really do anything, the other party always seemed willing to sort of guide the conversation. Laboratory classes are even easier, since there's the possibility of having a lab partner. Again, the proximity alone makes it hard not to wind up having to talk to them, not to mention that it could be quite necessary. They may take that opportunity to talk about more than just the experiment.

I think the biggest issue is that it takes friends to make friends, as far as I'm concerned. That first friend is like a foot in the door. I'm not saying that one should view a friend like that, just be aware of it. They can introduce you to their friends, and so on, and so on. Will it always go well? No, of course not. You may meet people that you have nothing in common with, or that you rather dislike.

It is a lot easier than some place set up to "meet" people, be it a rec center or a bar, or anything else for that matter. Making random new friends never really made sense to me, the point or the process.

Awkward,

I can somewhat empathize with you. In the early 1990s I found it easier not to have friends. But in 1997 I started learning American Sign Language (ASL) cuz I was going to school with mainstreamed Deaf kids. My school was the county unit for Deaf/Hard-of-Hearing education. I got very close to the Deaf kids while I was going to school there. I still see some of 'em to this date. But once I got with the Deaf-BLIND in 2003 & they showed me how good it feels to be touched in the right ways, I got closer to them than I ever was to anyone else, including my family. Since the Deaf-Blind all pushed me away in 2004, when I try to explain to them about my AS issues, their replies seem to indicate that they don't care. One thing I learned very clearly when I was with the Deaf-Blind in 2003 is that they are very demanding and when they're dissatisfied, they don't care how many people they're pushing away...even if that's nearly everyone they meet. That sure is a damn shame, but at least I, unlike you, DO know why I want friends again...I need their touch. I understand that many people with ASDs dislike human touch, and I was the same way for a very long time. But after my experience with the Deaf-Blind in 2003, I will NEVER be the same about human touch again. I need it, I want it, I crave it, and I'm only comfortable getting it from people who know ASL.

I know a woman in Irvine, CA, USA who has AS & works with Deaf-Blind people all day every day during the work weeks. Twice this year, we were on a Deaf-Blind-related email discussion list together. They sure aren't bothered by her AS but they sure are bothered by mine. I don't understand it. I guess I should stop pursuing the Deaf-Blind and pursue friendships with others who have ASDs. We can all empathize with each other about our social skills-related deficits. Every time I tried to tell her my AS is more severe, she just reminded me that most of hers & my mental issues are the exact same. Very true. But if they aren't bothered by her AS they have NO business being bothered by mine!

I am also confused, though, as to if or not I should let myself want friends. I've been simply doing without much-needed human touch for 3 years now. I definitely would NOT be comfortable with my family giving me more touch cuz they refuse to learn ASL to improve communication with me. So I assume friends are the only people who will both communicate with me in ASL & touch me in the right ways. I just don't know where else to turn.

I think i see what you mean, Awkward. i used to want friends, now i practically don't care. ultimately i don't expect much from friendship due to past disappointments (it wasn't that my friends were horrible to me, they were just disappointing, but very consistently so). it doesn't seem worth any time or effort. i seek companionship, but nothing more.

which is worse : bad friends or lonliness?

I recentlly stopped seeing my guy buddies because I want to grow as a human being.
I'm in my mid thirties now and I just can't relate to my other 30 something friends. They are all content to vegitate and I felt that dispite my handicap they were holding me back.
I've dated , travelled, gone to college, taken risks. They have not. They are dateless toy collectors who get t o watch bad monster movies, it just wasn't enough.

They all have (or had ) artistic talents. In the past we all worked together to MAKE bad monster films.

So for my own good I choose to be alone. Maybe one day I'll make new friends. Maybe I'll learn to survive without them, but I won't let anybody drag me down with them. I have enough going against me already

I think you may have answered it yourself, but...

Bad friends may seem better than no friends initially, but over time it will become more and more apparent that they are more trouble than they are worth.

I have friends.

obama?

Once I let go of the notion that I had to have friends or socialize to be happy, I felt much better. I wouldn't say that not having close friends has brought me happiness, but definitely acceptance of myself, which makes me happy. I'm just being patient with myself. I know that I'm going to have to meet a lot of people before I actually meet someone I can connect with again. It happens every few years. I trust that it will happen, and I'm not going to stress myself out by forcing myself to be someone I'm not to be social. I have more important things to concentrate on in life than unfulfillable social needs.