Animosity from merely not saying anything

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Has anyone encountered something like this? You meet/interract with someone, then go off and do your own thing, and sometime later, you pass by each other. You don't necessarily do anything untoward, you're just not sure at the exact moment how much energy to put into an obligatory 'hello!' mannerism, the opportunity passes, and you say to yourself, 'meh, oh well, no big.' and that's that. But THEN, the next time you see them, they now act either avoidant, derisive or dismissive towards you. And if you don't perform a "rescue" by making sure to talk to them and sort of reassure them you're not plotting against them, it seems to get worse until they seem to outright think you're a jerk and won't even acknowledge you.

All this from not doing anything??! ! Why are people like this? You would THINK no harm no foul, but for what specific injury are these individuals getting bent out of shape for?

Oh, yes, yes, yes. I got into trouble rather quickly in my current job because I'd forget to greet people when I entered a room. It just flat didn't occur to me and I couldn't figure out what I'd done to rate the problems that followed. I learned very quickly to just say hello to the room upon entering and say goodbye to the room upon leaving. I also learned to collect small talk topics for people I saw every day because they got so testy when I just stuck to business. None of this had ever been a problem before, but I had also never had an office job before. All of my previous employment had been in service -- cashier, sales clerk, that sort of thing -- where you're simply expected to smile and be fast and efficient with very little actual opportunity for small talk beyond the rote: Did you find everything you needed? or Can I help you?

Regards,

Patricia

Be careful you're not being paranoid. I usually read animosity into places where it isn't. Talk to the person in a friendly manner as though the 'event' never happened, and see how they react - if they get confused or angry, then you have offended them, and you can bring it up right away, apologize and move on.

Most "normal people" forgive the occasional social slight rather quickly, especially if you don't start acting freaked out and worried around them all the time.

Oh yes, absolutely. I think it's been a big contributor to several job losses, actually... the inability to quickly engage in a 'blow-by' exchange... by the time I've dislodged the brain from what I was doing to saying so much as a 'Hi', they've blown by and now think I'm rude. By the next time I see them, I've completely forgotten the lost 'Howdy' and make no special effort to talk to them, so they think I don't like them or whatever.

It's a pain in the backside, and just one of those things when one is living amongst the socially hyperactive.

I've had similar things happen. People assume that if I say I'm not friends with someone, that somehow means I'm hostile to them and want bad things to happen to them and their families or something.

Me just being paranoid is a distinct possibility, all right... it's good to know I'm not the only one who purposefully devises 'fishing' exercises to 'test the water.' That's one damning thing about AS: uncertainty.

When I lived with my folks and before we all knew I had AS, they used to get on my case about 'not feeling anything for anyone,' (hint, hint) and now my annoying, childish roommate is always giving me stink-eye and the silent treatment, although in my opinion, for him silence is much more preferable to me than the inane, self-important alternative...

Seriously. It's really unfair how I'm expected to just sustain all this 'maintenance' and uncertainty when nobody realizes what a fruitless effort it is to me, and it seems like the best way to help myself out is to just back off entirely. I keep coming back for more, but for what, exactly? I think it's just habit from having to be that way growing up, quite frankly.

Och! yes, what they ^^ wrote. But let me try to address the specifics of your question

They feel that, upon the initial, obligatory interaction, a "social bailment" has been created. At this point, you are obliged to specially acknowledge them en passant. When you do not acknowledge them in this way, you are either challenging them or you are disdainful of them (in their eyes). Neither is good. You must pull out with a 'rescue mission' or suffer the consequences of having snubbed them (in their eyes). This is an unwritten social rule, and as such, you must explicitly learn it rather than instinctually know it.

yeh I know that feeling kinda, I'm just not sure enough how well I know someone after having a convo with them, I'm not sure in which (friend)'zone' I am with them and that's why I don't really know what the right way is to greet them.

It's strange since when I really get to know someone I seem to say hi to them a lot more. The sis of my ex GF is visiting the same school as I am, I knew her as in being an acquaintance because of my ex(we are still friends btw), though everytime she passed by I acted like she was a ghost. Nowadays me and my ex's sis are in the same friend group and whenever I see her in the school building I do greet her.

It's just weird and frustrating.

People who I don't even know randomly say hi to me in the corridor, and if I don't say hi back (which I don't cos I don't know them, and 99% of the time don't want to know them either) they say I'm an "ignorant b***h", which is a blatantly misplaced use of the word "ignorant" aside from anything else. But hey, if they're gonna call me names over something so petty and stupid, they wouldn't be the sort of person I want as a friend anyway.

When I'm going into school, I listen to my iPod so people don't talk to me as much. I tried this in class as well today, and the teacher confiscated my iPod, so in future I'll just put my hands over my ears (I can't work and cover my ears at the same time, but hey, what's she gonna do, confiscate my hands?).

I've got a routine. I look in their direction, smile and nod very slightly, and give a very informal wave. So far it's worked for me.

Going off-topic here, but I have to say that 9 times out of 10 when I hear the word "ignorant" used my first reaction is to hand the speaker a dictionary.

Oh yeah, the nod! I can do that when my jaw is locked, and it doesn't interfere with the thinking.

Then there's the nod, smile, and "Hey, what's happening?" that covers a lot of standing still contingencies...

At work, I make sure there's eye contact before I say "Hi!", or they might not hear me, and me being paranoid, I might think they're ignoring me. If you made eye contact first they'll almost HAVE to say hi back, or they're OBVIOUSLY ignoring you, which most people won't do (except for the really arrogant ones).

Also, I only say hi to the people I talked to at least once.

This has become an extreme problem for me at some points. Well, I assume this was the reason, because I don't know why else someone I don't talk to would hate me.
People assume that if you don't have anything to say, you're ignoring them, or dislike them.. and then over time, they get really resentful of it.

I'm not completely sure how well it works yet, but I try to tell people up front that I'm shy and not a good conversationalist, and that it has nothing to do with them, so hopefully they won't get so offended. If they know that I don't tend to have much to say, maybe they won't hate me for it.

I have noticed that a lot of people don't seem to be able to accept/believe that someone had their mind on something else at a particular moment, or simply didn't have anything to say. They take it extremely personally, and, in their mind, if you didn't happen to speak to them, you must have deliberately snubbed them.

The weird thing is, when you try to be nice to them, sometimes they withdraw even further, and it becomes a vicious cycle. If they act that hostile it might be good to distance yourself.

I think saying "I'm not friends with ____" implies that there's some reason for not being friends. Like, if you don't know someone very well, you'd say "I've seen ____ around, but haven't talked to them much." Or "yea, I've chatted with _____ a bit about work but we've never gotten very personal." or maybe even like "_______ seems nice, but as far as I know, we don't have much in common." The specific denial of friendship can seem more like you know the person but don't want to be friends with them, when what you want to say is that you just don't know them well enough to consider them a friend.