I feel like I am ruining someone's life

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I guess I just want to get this out. I'm also planning on writing her a letter to give her this weekend.

A few months back, a friend I have worked with for 5 yrs and admired for as long, sat patiently while I explained how I felt/feel about her. She was totally blown away... not in a good way though.
I messed up with that and tried very hard to repair that damage.
I thought I had... up until today.

Today we met at a local coffee shop and talked about work.
I mentioned that in the course of conversation with three people at work, I mentioned that I thought my friend had AS.
This was brought up to the three people (at different times) because I was defending my friend. I am rather impulsive and just came out with this thinking it would help her situation at work. I trust these three people... I've talked with them over the years (well, one is new) and divulged a good amount of personal stuff to them. In turn, they have divulged some personal stuff to me.
I wouldn't have done what I did, with my other co-workers.

Yet, I shouldn't have done this. My friend is quite reticent about letting folks know she may have AS.
I blurted my opinion about her out to these other people, without ever consulting my friend first... well... as I said... I can be impulsive at times... perhaps my add/hd.

Anyway... it has been bothering me that I did this and she (my friend) didn't know.
So today I told her.
She was upset about it... I could tell.
I've let her down again and broken her trust.

I feel like s**t and wonder if I should walk away from her so I don't cause her any more pain.
I really care about her, but I'm so inane in dealing with her as a friend that no matter how much I love her... I just keep messing up and creating more anxiety for her (my words, not hers).

Other than my daughter, I am all alone. I was really hoping I could build up my friendship with this person (after I failed miserably at trying to be something more to her ), and the thought of staying completely out of her life is not pleasant for me to think about.

Anyway, I suppose that's about it. Just wanted to get this off my chest. Thanks.

Workplace relationships seem like a bit of a minefield for aspies. A good general rule is don't s**t where you eat.

It sounds like you're heavily invested in this person, emotionally, even though that strong degree of feeling isn't being reciprocated. That makes you seem needy. Moreover, you've outed her as an aspie and broken her trust by revealing personal details of her life to others. Take a step back and cool-off. The damage may not be repairable.

looking over shoulder

Hey, where are you... I know you're right here somewhere!

Pretty good... are you a professional?

The workplace is the ONLY place I have ever been able to find someone I genuinely like.
I honestly have never formed a relationship with a woman outside of work, and I don't know how I would go about approaching someone out in the rest of the world.
For me, work is the one place I will be around people in such close quarters and possibly intimate settings.
I don't associate with people much otherwise.

The thing here is that we don't really work together. We did during my first year or so there.
She and I work the swing-shift which only needs one of us at a time.
Sometimes I work something like a Sunday morning shift and I overlap with her Sunday evening shift by a 1/2 hr.
I mostly have just hung out and talked with her over the years... or dropped by work and talked with her.
She is very kind, compassionate and was helpful during my divorce too.
I like her so much and it bugs me that most other people at work can't be open-minded enough to other people, and so they have the usual NT misconceptions about her.
The three people I told were our supervisor and two techs I work with. These are all mature, intelligent women with whom I have trusted much personal information about myself;as I mentioned above.
I only gave my opinion that I 'thought' L (as I'll call my friend from here on out) has AS. None of the ladies even knew what I was talking about even though they have worked in the medical field far longer than I have.
Our supervisor is an R.N., very compassionate and, I believe, fair. She has treated me in a fair manner concerning my performance at work and my ADD/HD, Gender revelations, and divorce... all of which has had some impact at my job.

Anyway, I responded in an impulsive manner desiring to defend and help L.
My ADD/HD assures that I will have these impulsive moments... I can think of quite a few that were better off not happening.
I try to control them, but I think when I am emotionally involved with the subject, it's much harder to recognize when I'm
going to do something I'll regret.
I know what I did was wrong.
This has been on my mind ever since I mentioned it to the third lady at work.
It was also not fair to keep L in the dark about what I did... that's why I told her yesterday.

She's told me she has trouble trusting people... so how do you think I feel right now? Like s**t!
When I divulged my feelings to her a couple of months ago (or so), I knew she didn't feel the same about me.
I think I even mentioned that to her.
Everything just builds up and in this case... the longer I held it all back... the more anxious I got about it.
You could factor in my divorce and how hard that was on me, as far as my feelings and actions towards L, but in all honesty...
for the 5 years we've known each other, I have always found her beautiful, intelligent... the kind of woman/person I just fall for.
I didn't say anything directly to her (dropped a few tiny hints over the years, but I'm not very good at this sort of thing) all that time because I was married (I don't fool around), and I thought she was younger than she is.

Guess I'm just blathering on here.

Since the last time I freaked her out, I worked hard to repair our friendship. This meant staying away from her at work (i.e. not visiting her on her shift), not calling her at home for anything but work schedule stuff, not dropping by her house, etc.
Even with backing off from last time... I manage to go and mess things up yet again.
I really expect this to cause her to completely distrust me.
It's not just our relationship that I'm upset about... I know that what I've done may have repercussions in her life away from me.
Maybe I've just reinforced the notion that men can't be trusted.
Maybe I've caused her to question her other relationships and other people's intentions/actions.

I do not want to be responsible for things like this and every time it happens I feel even more sure that I am not equipped to handle relationships... intimate or just plain friendships.

At least I don't seem to have f**ked up my daugher's life. One saving grace.

I really sympathise with you.

It sounds like she is unpopular at work. Why????


What made you think she has AS? What if she does NOT have it?


personally, I don't think you have done anything wrong. How do most men treat women? They beat them, abuse them, try to dominate/control them, rape them, lie to them etc. Telling a woman that you love her is not a crime. I don't understand why she reacted the way she did. Even if I don't feel the same way, I would still treat a man who loves me with kindness.


women can't be trusted either. anyway, the reason most men can't be trusted is because they lie. It is the opposite of what you've done.

Obviously, I don't have the whole story and I have some questions about it, like the ones I raised above. But personally, I don't think you have done anything THAT BAD. Sure, you shouldn't have told the boss and the 2 co-workers that you think she has AS (especially since you don't actually KNOW that for sure). Things like AS are very personal things, and therefore it is up to the individual to decide whether to tell other people about it or not. I am sure you've learned your lesson. Btw, how are the 3 people treating her at work since you've told them? Maybe you should ask them to tell her that they still like and respect her even though you told them she has AS? If she is already unpopular at work, it could be the case that she is worried about losing her job. As far as telling her that you love her--there is nothing wrong with it. In my opinion, it's better to be with an impulsive man than with a pathological liar. And trust me, there are A LOT of men out there who are pathological liars. Apologize to her, explain to her that you really care for her and want to see her happy. Eventually she'll forgive you. Right now, it might be better to back off for a while.

Thank you. And thanks to those who wrote here and pm'd me too.


Yesterday when we met at a coffee shop and talked, we discussed work and the people there, before I spilled the beans.
Her opinion was that there are people we realize do not treat anyone very well.
I felt like she doesn't feel singled out from the crowd at work.
I don't see her as being unpopular at work... mostly just misunderstood. That's what bothers me the most. I feel I know her better than most folks at work... maybe anyone at work. I'm the type who can't seem to understand why people cannot see the differences between us as something interesting and okay. Too many people I run into in life are quick to judge, poorly, someone they do not understand. I think the ones who judge too quickly miss out on enjoying a relationship with some pretty wonderful people.
L is one of those uniquely interesting people I feel lucky to have met.
I guess what I hear most about her at work is how rude she seems to be to others, and how she just sits off by herself.
She does her job well and is smarter than many there concerning what the labwork is about.
I just don't get it that others cannot see this as well.
Not everyone is like this... it's mainly the other folks at our work level. But they b***h and complain about everyone and everything anyway... such a sad life they have.


When I first met L, I was married to a pediatrician with a family member who was diagnosed with AS.
I had a little experience with it that way.
When I described L to my wife, her first comment was that L might have AS.
Since then, I've learned more about AS and even spoke with L about it.
She also suspects she has it and I think she might see someone to confirm it, someday.
She is also aware of WP and through her, I found this place.


Well, as far as telling her how I feel about her (and I believe I haven't actually said the words 'I love you', yet), I can understand why she reacted the way she did. It goes back to my paragraph above... her feelings about relationships are her own and are different from mine. I respect that and this is why I backed off.


I'm not a very good liar and I see no reason to be, especially to L. Trust is very important to me and it goes way back in my life.
Consequently, when I feel I have lost the trust of someone I really care about, it affects me greatly. I also tend to be pretty hard on myself.


I do not know how they are treating her. Someone suggested in a pm to me that co-workers can have 'hidden agendas' and might try to make trouble for L just because she may have AS.
This reads to me as fear mongering. It's all a self-serving prophecy when it is always automatically assumed that talking about having something like ADD/HD or AS will bring a person trouble.
This is the same thing I went through all my life concerning gender. Once I finally exposed my secret, I found out that there were many people who stayed with me. I truly believed I would have no one... not even my daughter. Same thing about AS.
As long as everyone lives in fear about talking about their AS, no one else can be educated properly about it or be allowed to show their support no matter what someone 'has'.

I think at this point, I won't go back and talk with the three ladies again about this. Tonight, though, I was mentioning the Limerick thread here at WP and the lady I was talking with is one of the three. She came out and asked me about AS again and recalled that I had mentioned it to her about L. This lady has NO agenda at work to bring anyone down. I have exposed loads of personal stuff to her and she (along with L onetime) showed me the kind of support only a real friend would show.

I really do not believe L has anything negative to worry about from these three women. They are not in competition with her for anything at work, and they are all very caring and compassionate people from my experience.


Oh, I definitely think she might be worried that my telling our supervisor (one of the three ladies) about my belief that L has AS, will have some negative impact on her. As L said yesterday, she'll soon find out. We are all scheduling our evaluations at work with our supervisor.
Again, I wouldn't say that L is 'unpopular' at work... any more so than each person there. My sticking up for her is only because I care more, in a different way, for L than I do the other people at work. And as I mentioned before... I can be quite impulsive at times, especially when I have an emotional attachment to the subject at hand. When I mentioned L and AS, it was not during an argument. It was during general conversation. L's name was brought up concerning her habits at work and demeanor, and I just wanted to help these ladies understand that L is a wonderful person who does things differently. That's all.


Thank you, but again, she views someone saying stuff like this to her differently and I see no reason to not allow her that right.
I don't think there's anything wrong with it... it was perhaps the wrong thing at the wrong time though. She does not feel the same way about me... she has made that clear. She has said she is my friend... which I appreciate and hope I don't keep sabotaging.


I did this yesterday.
Your last bit of advice is in line with what everyone else has been telling me.
It hurts and makes me pretty sad, but I agree that I need to keep waiting until she tells me how things are between us.

At this point-in-time, I'm figuring that she doesn't want anything to do with me outside of work stuff.
She's a good person and I don't think she'd lash out at me... she certainly treated me fine yesterday after all I exposed to her.
I just wish I hadn't let her down. I hate doing that to people... and I do it unintentionally.
That is why I am coming to the conclusion that I just don't belong in close relationships with people.
I have never seemed to get one to work very well... except for my daughter and I.
If that's the only relationship that works in my life... I can at least be grateful for that.

Well I can say that whenever I feel like I've done something to humiliate myself in front of somebody, I try to avoid them like the plague...at least until I'm sure the awkwardness has passed. That's just me, though.

Yep!
This seems to be the most common bit of advice so far.

I usually do the opposite.
My history is to keep trying to find a way to explain things so the person won't misunderstand me or my intentions.
Depending on the medium I choose, this can lead to extended and confusing communication which raises the stress level of everyone involved.

This time though, I've been better about it... I think.

eta: I really appreciate everyone's responses and the fact that you all have let me vent here. It is helping... I just want you to know!

I don't think you should walk away, From what you have written it you seem to respect that she does not feel the same way about you.

You care about not doing harm to her, that means you are a good person in her life and you just made a mistake thats all.

OY! You're RIGHT! lifts a pint, I'm gonna see today!

Actually I need to do some 'A' day stuff(admin day) at work and I will be going in for about 4 hours today. She'll be working the swing shift and I'll probably see her, although I'll be mostly out in the records shed.

I'm not going to bring anything up, just say hello and see what happens next.