This is my first post here, so it might be a bit long while I try and vent all the things I never have before.
Basically I only recently considered Asperger's as a possible cause for the way I am.
I've moved around a lot in my life and it's never bothered me. Each time I've been excited in fact. Little remorse about leaving people behind. Although I've loved certain people I've known, they're usually not worth the torment the rest give me. (I'm 16 by the way to put the torment point into perspective.) I've just never fit it.
I lived in Scotland, moved to America, and as of a few months ago now live in England. Again, I've found that small nook in the corner where I fit in. Constant paranoia and awkwardness make it near impossible to get through each day. The thing is it took me 7 years to adapt in America. I don't really want to have to go through all that again.
The main thing is that with people in America, after 7 years I became best friends with people. People put me first and it meant that if I needed anything done I didn't have to go alone. Everyone here already has friends they've known all their life though, so I'm nowhere near the front of the line.
Not to mention I have bullying issues. I don't get bullied, and that's the problem. If people would punch me I could be happy. "Ah, that person doesn't like me, I know something." But no, I'm in this awkward situation of paranoia (word of the day) about whether someone is making fun of me or not. Whether they're just teasing or whether it's genuine malice. I can sit for immeasurable amounts of time worrying.
The appreciation I have for you reading this far is indescribable, so I won't keep you much longer.
Basically the paranoia is ruining my life. I realize once I'm out of school it gets better. I'll find my niche and I can keep to myself and all that, but what do I do until then?
08 Nov 2007, 2:54 am
