I'm hurtin'. A friend of mine who lives a couple of days away from me is saying things on her lj about how she now has a real friend who completely accepts her for who she is.
And she says this about the rest of us that she knew in college:
Quote:
I thought it would hurt to realize that the people I attended college with, are no longer in my life....but it really doesn't. There was a time when I would have given the world for lastcrazyhorn and B, for D, Di, and a few others there. I miss them on occasion, but my life is heading to a place where they will never be. LCH and B especially never understood the part of me that loves the whip, that relishes the feel of a flogger across my back. I went to Fantasm that first time, and when I came back I wore a smile that they could never understand. Neither of them would even talk to me for over a week, and the reason for it was so f*****g odd to me. LCH didn't understand why I was so happy, and didn't like it at all. In the space of a few days a huge part of me had changed, and she couldn't comprehend the reasons behind it.
God, we've been over that before.
And so we'll go over it again.
This is what I said:
Quote:
God those words hurt.
The only reason I acted differently when you came back was because I was about half foot away from committing suicide. Two days before you came back, I had a total breakdown in front of Cook and then later with Dr. Gordon. Cook even asked me to call him that night just to make sure I was okay. And I remember telling him, "don't worry about me. My friend will be back soon and she'll figure out something's wrong; so I'll be okay."
Only thing was, you got back and didn't see that something was drastically wrong with me, and you were so happy and I couldn't find a way to tell you that your best friend was teetering on the edge of the abyss . . .
And that's why I acted differently, because I was just trying to keep from screaming back at the voice screaming in my head that was telling myself to just end it all . . .
I swear, that's the closest I ever got to being committed. But I didn't want to drag you down. I wanted you to be happy. So I decided not to tell you, and I figured that you'd figure it out on your own.
Damn it. Now I need a tissue. f**k.
Damn it. You finally have a friend that totally accepts you?
As she says:
Quote:
C is my lifeline now....The person that has accepted me in a way that almost no one ever has. She is the most giving, sweet person....and I don't know what I would do without her. I hate having to wait for the apartment, but I will C. We will get it all sorted out, and hopefully everything will turn out shiny.
As an aspie, I have problems relating to others socially. You all know this.
But I thought that I had somehow broken down those walls of separation between us when we were friends. I shared more with her than I've ever shared with anyone my entire life.
She's the only person in the world who truly knows me. f*****g A.
Today I started getting anonymous comments on my blog.
Example:
everythings been said before
nothing left to say anymore
well its all the same u can ask for it by name
I don't know if it's her, but I do know that it originates from the same state as her.
DAMN IT.
*drives a fist through an imaginary wall*
I haven't cried in 6 months. Damn it.
*takes a deep breath*
_________________
"I am to misbehave" - Mal
BATMAN: I'll do everything I can to rehabilitate you.
CATWOMAN: Marry me.
BATMAN: Everything except that.
http://lastcrazyhorn.wordpress.com - "Odd One Out: Reality with a refreshing slice of aspie"
15 Dec 2007, 4:48 am
