Standing up for yourself in a friendship

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I have always had a problem that when someone upsets me I have no idea how to communicate this the right way so I usually say nothing at all. It's partly to avoid conflict, partly because i don't like to upset people, and partly because i don't know how to explain why I think an apology is required without coming off as a right grouchy f**k and then wishing I'd said nothing.

This is the current situation I have. I went out with a friend on Saturday, whilst I love her very much, she sometimes really upsets me.

It took me a while to realise, when I met her, that she was actually kind of shy and awkward, and acted obnoxiously to cover it up. It was when i realised this that I started to like her. Of course, other people we meet never get the opportunity of knowing that, and I can see why they might find her a bit irritating. She is LOUD. If there is a gap in conversation, she has to fill it.

We went to a warehouse party in north london to watch a band that I like. The gig was great. After the band finished, I started talking to the bassist, who I have a slightly pathetic crush on, and she came to join us. I hadn't considered that it would be like mixing oil and water to introduce them - he is very, very shy. There was the slightest pause in conversation, barely enough for it to be noticed. It was hardly an awkward silence, just a tiny pause where you think of what to say next. She started babbling - absolute rubbish. I think she was doing a mock interview, like asking him how he thought the gig went. He obviously thought she was winding him up, and literally RAN away from us. Now he won't speak to me either.

After he left, I decided I wouldn't let it ruin my evening. I got talking to a guy there because he had Russian Standard vodka - turned out he was Polish and had been to Russia a few times. Russia is one of my 'specialist subjects' so we were chatting away, I was enjoying myself. He'd even done some work for a magazine I used to write for!

My friend discovered they had a mutual aquaintance - another journalist - her cue to spend the next half hour ranting at him about how much she hates said aquaintance. She completely froze me out of the conversation, so I was aimlessly wandering around trying to find someone else I could talk to until she'd finished. She then remarked that she didn't like the Polish guy very much.

I don't get many opportunities to make new friends and meet nice men, so I was quite angry about this. More than anything, I wish she would see that she doesn't need to act so OTT all the time.

So, if I say something, is it best if i do it in person? What's the best way of wording it so as not to upset her?

I'm not sure if you should hold your hopes up for an apology, not being cynical as such it is just 50/50 as to if you will get one that is significant/at all, but that doesn't mean you couldn't communicate how you feel and hopefully that will change how they act. Moving on with an understanding is probably better then an apology anyway.

You say you get on quite well with her. You are close, have rapport? Personally if you could just say it without mincing your words that would be how I would do it. Something like, 'I wish sometimes you weren't so OTT. No love lost'. I can't really think of another way you could do it without it being diluted. I would then go on to explain that you were a bit upset that that she was cutting up your conversations. It is not being unreasonable. After all you aren't not asking her not to be OTT the whole time, just some of the time.

As to how to go about it I would say do it in a way that you feel confident doing it, that you will be able to get it out fully before she replies.

My sister is not OTT but she talks really fast, as in lightning speed. Sometimes have to tell her to slow down as well as do family and friends, it is not a problem.

As to why you friend is doing it I couldn't tell you. She might not be aware she is like that, or maybe she thought she was doing you a favour. Who knows? Maybe she will tell you.

She sounds really insensitive. I don't think you can do much with people like that. Nothing gets through.

I've tried standing up for myseld, in a friendship. That person didn't want anything to do with me, anymore.

Thats exactly the way she would word it is she wanted to say the same to me. How well she would react to it herself I cannot know.

I think she feels that every single night out she has must be big, drunk and ridiculous. Going to see a band and having a couple of drinks is not OK. Once when I was on a night out with her, she insisted on buying wine for the train journey into London. She lives in bloody Clapham! It was two stops on the train, three on the tube. You don't need a bottle of wine for that, but I don't think she could bear to be relaxed and normal on a Saturday night. If we go to a gig, she insists that we must dance, even if we've both said we don't like the band.

Any and every night out will at some point include boring bits, but I think she thinks those boring bits reflect badly on her as a person. I think she judges herself in terms of how much FUN is being had and if anyone is just standing having a normal conversation and not dancing on a table it's a disaster.

She is three years younger than me, and whilst I've never been loud or obnoxious I do often get anxious if things don't seem to be going well, I used to feel that more when I was younger. So I can sort of relate.


After re-reading my post I wonder if I sound like I'm being a bit of a fusspot - she has done other things which have really, really got to me, it's a bit of a straw/camels back thing.

Stop worrying about upsetting her or hurting her feelings. Simply, coldly tell her "You are annoying! Go away!"

You might as well say it in her own language, so she gets it clearly. If she reacts badly you can't do much about that until she comes to her senses. If she values the friendship then she should be willing to listen.


lol she sounds like she would drive me up the wall, but is probably a good person inside. Drinking on the tube is kind of lame. People that do that tend to no be great people to sit next to (and smell ). She may be nervous though. It is quite common for people to get drunk before they arrive to something because of nerves. She just has a completely different sort of anxiety to you and me, kind of external way of doing things. Either that or she is manic, that can make people loud and careless about how they treat people. Maybe a bit of both. If she is manic, it is more usual to have depressive periods. Otherwise she might be hyperactive, which can present itself like mania.


She will grow up eventually. It isn’t so much and age thing. Some people are quite mature at that age. She is probably no less mature than the average person her age. Not meaning to sound like a grumpy old bastard However she obviously craves a lot of social attention.

I can relate about wanting things to go well but I know how wrong I was. I feel the anxiety, but I know it isn't about being boring it is more about feeling you are being put on the spot. Boring is sort of comparative, especially if you are more content with your own thoughts, which can be difficult with anxiety.

Some people are very external, you could think of her OTTness as a type of NT stimming.



bah no. I think it is perfectly healthy to have a b***h every now and then, when people annoy you. No point getting in a tiff and burying it. The main thing is you are asking how to stand up to her, which is practical. I would say you are probably going to have to remind her ever so often , for a while. Maybe more regularly. You may need to give her a sharp nudge if she cuts you out of the conversation again.

Even if this is not something that she especially likes doing, that doesn't mean it is going to be easy for her to change. You're probably going to have to come to some sort of agreement.