Confusing Aspie Friend.

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I know someone who says he is my friend but he sure doesn't act like one. When I call him he says he is tired and does not want to talk or he says he is not in the mood to talk. Granted, everyone has bad days but this is beyond a few bad days. I came to the conclusion that he wanted nothing to do with me so I quit calling him. Then, over the weekend, I got a message from him saying that someone we both know sent him an e-mail saying that he had been cruel to me and hurt me many times. While perhaps he was not intentionally cruel, it seemed like nothing I said or did was ever good enough for him. He said he can only stand to be around 2 percent of the population. He said he only cares about someone's creativity or intellect. So I asked him "Do you think I'm an idiot or something?" He vehemently denied it and he has this idea that I have some great talent because occasionally I have come up with an idea for a story but a lot of times don't follow through. I am exhausted from having to play social games at work and just feel burned out. He claims that he is my friend, but what kind of friend doesn't want to talk or do things together? I even suggested things that he is interested in.

Well, uhm.... aspie friends?

Maybe it's just me (and, of course, your friend), but I personally hate talking on the phone. If I had a friend that kept phoning me all the time to chat, I'd start screening the calls and just not answer. That does NOT mean I don't want to be their friend. I just don't like to chat on the phone. It is completely meaningless to me and extremely stressful and akward.



That is a bizarre thing to do: he's an aspie, for crying out loud. No social game will ever work on him. And he will never play a social game back.

Being friends with an aspie is hard work, and is generally on the aspie's terms. It is all about expectations, and yours seem to be sky high. If an aspie bothers to contact you, that is HUGE news and means that he does appreciate you as a friend. However, you seem to be very dramatic about his behaviour, which is perfectly normal for an aspie. Please give him a break. Stop phoning all the time (well, at least no more than once a week, I suggest). If you have a good idea or topic to discuss, he's your sounding board and by all means, go see him (go SEE him, don't phone him. And make an appointment a few days before and be on time. Bring cookies.). If you want to chat about something arbitrary, he's not the one. It doesn't mean he doesn't care. That is who he is. And friends accept friends for who they are, they don't try and change one another all the time.

Good luck. Remember: it is all about expectations. Aspies don't like hearing how much we hurt people and how we are mean - that really pushes us away. We are usually quite kind and caring. We just show it in different ways. So, please correct your expectations to what an aspie is capable of giving you as a friend, and somehow you won't feel that hurt any more. I do believe you have actually hurt him too - he is probably devastated by that email he got.

I have a pretty high standard for what I consider to constitute a "friend", and therefore really only consider two people in my life to be "friends" - my best friend and my ex (although the ex and I are drifting apart so that list will probably be cut down to one eventually). I'm realizing though that most people have different levels of friends and I've been trying to take this into consideration when interacting with people. Maybe when he says he's your "friend", he really means he's what I would consider to be somewhere in between an acquaintance and a real friend. Lots of people seem to use that term very loosely.

I know that's confusing, I'm still trying to understand the whole spectrum concept of a friend myself. I know it hurts when someone who says they're your friend doesn't act the way you think a friend should act. I've had similar issues myself and it sucks. Personally, I would back off and not put too much faith in him. When it comes down to it, you're right that a real friend wouldn't treat you that way.

How do you know he's an Aspie?

The subject is "confusing aspie friend"...?

Yes, I see that . But that doesn't necessarily mean that the guy outright told the OP that he's an Aspie. Perhaps some assumptions are being made.

Yeah, I'm guilty of that. There's only really one person that I'm comfortable talking to on the phone. Past that, I've avoided the phone at times, just because I didn't feel up to it, if "up to it" makes any sense.

That, and, at least as of late, I'm just not comfortable doing things with friends more than once or twice a week. I've got one (of two that are close enough to do things with) that has tried to do things several days / nights in a row. I feel a bit bad about it, because I've basically said no a few times, but I'm just not able to do that. Worse still, at times he has called and asked if I was feeling okay, because he thought I might be ill or severely depressed. I tried to tell him that wasn't the case, but I don't think I can really explain to him that, though I do value him as a friend, I can't handle "hanging out" several nights a week.

Why does the phone exhaust you?
Maybe the same thing is happening to me and I dont realize it.
A few times a friend has talked to me for two hours over the phone but then wanted to get together. Im exhausted after that. Usually thoughi like calling certain friends for a while. People I dont get to see often.

I have a friens who starts too many creative things but does not finish them. SHe starts a lot and finishes those but I think shes spreading herself too thin. Shes also got a dependant mother to wrangle.

Personally one AS traight I am proud of is I have finished everthing I have ever set out to do, no matter how long it takes. With this confidence I dont rush myself. Presentlly Im trying to figure out a few technical problems with my sculpting materials. I keep hitting solid walls and asking more and more people for imput. But I'm not rushed. I have my whole life to learn the things I want.
On the other hand I would never be able to take up knitting or watercolor again. I simply do not have the passion or drive to WANT to push it all the way through.
I write. Slowly. But I'm writing my own screenplays which I will produce myself and create from scratch (puppets) as much as I know about art, I know one thing about a story or film. Take your time on the characters, and the plot. If it stinks no amount of acting or fancy editing can fix it.

From what I can tell your friend may be going through depression or some other personal issues. His giving you the "cold shoulder" may have to deal with issues that he is facing on his own. He may not want to "talk about it" because it may be very upsetting to him. I wouldn't necessarily take it personally. What I would do is tell him that you're there for him, consider him a friend, and don't want to be shut out.

I sometimes go days without answering my phone. Depending on my mood, I may not even answer the door. It's nothing personal on my part. There are just days (and sometimes weeks) when socializing is not even an option. He doesn't sound like he is doing this intentionally. Why don't you just ask him straight out, politely?

You did meet him here, he might just be being his normal AS self and not even realize that anything is amiss between the two of you.

That sounds a lot like me. Some times I want to interact with people a lot, but most of the time I am in a world of my own and want no interaction with anyone.
I find it hard to stay friends with the Aspies I know because coversation etc is more difficult. NT's can usually talk for two people.
At times like right now, I feel unhappy and lonely, but this makes it even more exshasting to interact with people.

I didnt realize I was in my own world untill an exercise in acting class not long ago.

We had to come in with a song that represented our walk.

I brought in the I Dream of Jeannie themesong. I realized after listeningto other people and thier reasons for thier songs I AM in my own world. My song is contemplative and not open to others.

If I see something new or am talking to someone unless its something I find facinating My song is still playing, drowning the other person out.

I have a m8 who has AS n he will keep talkin about da wii even though i ain't interested he doesn't make eye contact instead he would laughin at himself which can piss me off as i have had other AS m8s n we tend 2 have a useful conversation but we don't see each other dat often which is a bit disapointed but dats life..

Yeah, I don't like people calling me over and over. I have a friend who actually is an aspie who calls me all the time. I think it's extremely annoying though.

*desperately applies restraint to avoid commenting on that*

I used to get into trouble for staying on the phone for hours on end, because whenever my friend phoned me up I did not know how to end the conversation, and for some reason he would not end it either, regardless of how little I said in response to him.
I hate phones. If I had one I would have it unplugged constantly, I think.
Even the mobile phones that people keep buying me are always turned off and left at home - and so am I!

Please tell me that you would let the friend know that his or her calls were bothersome to you before you just stopped answering. No one can read your mind, so it is not fair to expect someone to know that without you telling them. Avoiding people's calls with no explanation seems rather indirect and manipulative, rather like the behaviour of the worst of, well, you know who.