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sparklingrocks
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04 Feb 2008, 2:11 am

For my whole life, people have been telling me I have bad manners in one way or another. I was reading through an article by Temple Grandin and a lot of what she was saying sounded familiar. (I don't remember the URL right now). Anyhow, I have trouble with:

1. Appearance. I have to consciously remind myself to pay attention to the way I look - otherwise, I just put a hat on if I have a bad hair day.

2. Being really straightforward. I have difficulties with saying things that upset people, interrupting, etc. People especially hate it when I interrupt or don't seem to be listening. They think I'm not interested, even if I am. Someone just told me off for interrupting today. I don't like being told off for things when I didn't mean to be rude.

3. Being disorganized. I can forget to do all kinds of things, to the point where I'm surrounded by stacks of papers and the dishes haven't been washed for a really long time. This is a social problem because I don't live alone. I'm starting to get defensive about being reminded about this, too, even though I do want to improve.

4. Being late. People take serious offense about this. I don't have a very good sense of time.

I don't mean to come across as rude. It is just really hard to do things the way everyone else seems to do them. I'm not aware of disorganization, often forget what time it is, and don't always know what people expect me to say.

Any suggestions on how to handle these social problems?



Mikomi
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04 Feb 2008, 2:15 am

No advice, but if anyone has solutions to numbers 2 and 4 I'd love to hear them too! :wink:


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jawbrodt
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04 Feb 2008, 2:19 am

Do you have trouble concentrating? I need meds to slow my brain down a little, so I can relax and focus on whatever I need to do. I think it even slightly enhanced my intelligence.



sparklingrocks
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04 Feb 2008, 2:22 am

I concentrate extremely well when I am working on something. However, if something isn't on the radar, so to speak, I can be completely oblivious to it.

So if my "project" for the day is to clean the house, I clean it completely. If it's not, then the dishes don't get done.



Azpy
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04 Feb 2008, 2:29 am

jawbrodt wrote:
Do you have trouble concentrating? I need meds to slow my brain down a little, so I can relax and focus on whatever I need to do. I think it even slightly enhanced my intelligence.


Just out of curiosity, what meds?



postpaleo
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04 Feb 2008, 2:32 am

What you're describing is lateral thinking. And when we do it, we see all the shiny things, get distracted and if we don't get them out, they go wizzing by. Then we get distracted by other shinys in our trains of thought and so and and so forth. What this does is make us very unaware of time, appearance doesn't matter and we often interrupt and can tend to be a bit over bearing with our direction of conversation. Add in an obsession or two and a bit of brain race and that's me.

Ok, these are some of my latest thoughts on what happens, how I think and the consequences. There is more to it, but trying to be as brief as I can. And that is not easy. My meds allow the brain race to slow a bit now, so I actually stand a chance of being able to listen to someone and then pick up where my brain race was. I can actually write now, lucky you. :wink:

What to do about them, I try to encourage myself. :lol:


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Last edited by postpaleo on 04 Feb 2008, 2:34 am, edited 2 times in total.

jawbrodt
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04 Feb 2008, 2:34 am

Azpy wrote:
jawbrodt wrote:
Do you have trouble concentrating? I need meds to slow my brain down a little, so I can relax and focus on whatever I need to do. I think it even slightly enhanced my intelligence.


Just out of curiosity, what meds?



I take more than most. I'm on Seroquel 200mg/4x daily, and Neurontin/gabapentin 600mg/4x daily, also Lexapro 20mg daily.



sparklingrocks
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04 Feb 2008, 2:43 am

I just looked up the definition of lateral thinking and I would agree that sounds very familiar. It's kind of like chasing balloons. However, it's difficult to stop oneself from following all these different trains of thought.

I suppose if I could get my thoughts to calm down, I might have an easier time dealing with practical things.



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04 Feb 2008, 2:59 am

There is more then one thread on diet around and something you said made me think of it. Diet as to what the food does for brain energy and not having a thing to do with weighing a lot or not a lot. Don't mind me, just another shiny thing and I'm going to go off topic if I don't stop it here. Gee, there is a surprise. :wink:

It is a mixed blessing at times, is it not.

With my wife, I warned her about it when we first met. In other words I was very upfront with her. I had no idea about being aspie or the other little things when we met. It was just me and it still is.


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GrantZilla
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04 Feb 2008, 5:26 am

sparklingrocks I know where you are coming from.

I to am careless about my appearance, which being a man is interperted as being a slob, or lazy.

I get over-whelmed when I'm in big social settings and so I get hyper like I drank three cups of expresso, which some people find to be annoying.

I am disorganized, again people associate that with being lazy or a slob

I try to work on this stuff, but I relate when you said you get tired of people complaing even when your trying your hardest.

Now I really just don't care what people think. Nobody perfect, and if they got a problem, they can kiss my a***



sparklingrocks
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04 Feb 2008, 7:08 am

Being disorganized and not caring about one's appearance is sort of ok in college, but when one is an adult, people read it more negatively. Women are expected to be into taking care of things, and that includes cleaning the house and paying attention to appearances.

I'll look up that diet thread, if I can find it.



Melly
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04 Feb 2008, 11:06 am

sparklingrocks wrote:
For my whole life, people have been telling me I have bad manners in one way or another. I was reading through an article by Temple Grandin and a lot of what she was saying sounded familiar. (I don't remember the URL right now). Anyhow, I have trouble with:

1. Appearance. I have to consciously remind myself to pay attention to the way I look - otherwise, I just put a hat on if I have a bad hair day.


Same problem here... I'm just never focused on appearance. I work in an office so I have to be more or less presentable every day. My solution is to come up with a routine that gets me there... shower every morning (at the same time every day), easy hairstyle (long & straight), limited wardrobe in which nearly everything matches and everything is comfortable & not fussy. (most days: nice jeans, black long sleeved t-shirt, sweater.) Every day I'm clean & coordinated, at least. (well, I start out that way.)

sparklingrocks wrote:

2. Being really straightforward. I have difficulties with saying things that upset people, interrupting, etc. People especially hate it when I interrupt or don't seem to be listening. They think I'm not interested, even if I am. Someone just told me off for interrupting today. I don't like being told off for things when I didn't mean to be rude.


yeah, me too! I just try to frame myself as authentic & light, and if I feel like I'm about to be too harsh or interrupty, I stop participating... one on one conversations are easier & more fun than group conversations. If exiting the conversation is not a good option, I just try to remind myself to slow down! I'm also working with my therapist on "effective listening."

sparklingrocks wrote:
3. Being disorganized. I can forget to do all kinds of things, to the point where I'm surrounded by stacks of papers and the dishes haven't been washed for a really long time. This is a social problem because I don't live alone. I'm starting to get defensive about being reminded about this, too, even though I do want to improve.


yeah, me too... my only hope is to try to simplify as much as possible... collect the least amount of paper possible, get rid of stuff I really don't need, use the minimum amount of dishes (goes for clothes/laundry too), etc. Like, if I need a bowl and a bowl I already used is in the sink, I grab that one & rinse it out and use it. I always look around for tea cups I've left sitting around before I take a clean one, etc. etc.

sparklingrocks wrote:

4. Being late. People take serious offense about this. I don't have a very good sense of time.


we don't have this in common! I'm a pretty anxious person much of the time and I obsess about being on time. Sometimes I try to make myself NOT obsess about being on time, even to the point where I take off my watch so I stop checking it. And sometimes when I get somewhere insanely early I wish I was late instead! The best way I can deal with this is plan ahead exactly what time I need to leave the house... once that's not up in the air, everything else can fall into place. Like if I know I need to leave work at 4:40 to catch the 4:50 bus, I can forget about time until at least 4 or so.

sparklingrocks wrote:
I don't mean to come across as rude. It is just really hard to do things the way everyone else seems to do them. I'm not aware of disorganization, often forget what time it is, and don't always know what people expect me to say.

Any suggestions on how to handle these social problems?


My therapist is always reminding me that there is often no one right thing to say, and even NTs don't have a script in hand already. If you say something that comes off wrong, you can always say something to mitigate, like "sorry, that came out harsh, that sweater DOES make you look like a pumpkin, but one of the nice tall beautifully colored pumpkin... and that color is PERFECT for you!! !!" Smiling and being honest when you didn't mean to be rude (i.e. coming out and saying "i'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude!") goes a long way to help fix things between friends.



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04 Feb 2008, 2:17 pm

I actually find it kind of ridiculous how most people care so much about their appearance and nonstraightforwardness. I tend to have more respect for people who are themselves and just don't give a f**k what others think of them. Which is kind of paradoxal in a way, I suppose, but whatever. Straightforwardness is a virtue as far as I'm concerned. And if you don't feel like "fixing" your appearance every day, then don't. I'm sure you're fine just being you.


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sparklingrocks
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04 Feb 2008, 2:51 pm

Vince wrote:
I actually find it kind of ridiculous how most people care so much about their appearance and nonstraightforwardness. I tend to have more respect for people who are themselves and just don't give a f**k what others think of them. Which is kind of paradoxal in a way, I suppose, but whatever. Straightforwardness is a virtue as far as I'm concerned. And if you don't feel like "fixing" your appearance every day, then don't. I'm sure you're fine just being you.


I tend to have respect for people like that too - I like them socially. But the attitude I like in my friends doesn't cut it in an office setting. Some of my best friends would get fired if they worked with me.



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04 Feb 2008, 3:12 pm

Im JUST like that sparkling rocks


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sparklingrocks
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04 Feb 2008, 3:16 pm

Melly wrote:
Same problem here... I'm just never focused on appearance. I work in an office so I have to be more or less presentable every day. My solution is to come up with a routine that gets me there... shower every morning (at the same time every day), easy hairstyle (long & straight), limited wardrobe in which nearly everything matches and everything is comfortable & not fussy. (most days: nice jeans, black long sleeved t-shirt, sweater.) Every day I'm clean & coordinated, at least. (well, I start out that way.)


Going for a "simple" look is definitely one way to do it. I often misinterpret the dress code or ignore it because, like someone else mentioned, I don't like dress codes much. Also I have a lot of difficulty establishing and sticking to routines. Like I mentioned earlier, I'm easily distracted.

Melly wrote:

yeah, me too! I just try to frame myself as authentic & light, and if I feel like I'm about to be too harsh or interrupty, I stop participating... one on one conversations are easier & more fun than group conversations. If exiting the conversation is not a good option, I just try to remind myself to slow down! I'm also working with my therapist on "effective listening."


I've given that approach a try and can sometimes manage it. The "light" part is what's difficult.

Melly wrote:
yeah, me too... my only hope is to try to simplify as much as possible... collect the least amount of paper possible, get rid of stuff I really don't need, use the minimum amount of dishes (goes for clothes/laundry too), etc. Like, if I need a bowl and a bowl I already used is in the sink, I grab that one & rinse it out and use it. I always look around for tea cups I've left sitting around before I take a clean one, etc. etc.


I think simplifying things would help. I may need to work on strategies to organize the house. I am always getting rid of things too, and recycling junk mail.

Melly wrote:
My therapist is always reminding me that there is often no one right thing to say, and even NTs don't have a script in hand already. If you say something that comes off wrong, you can always say something to mitigate, like "sorry, that came out harsh, that sweater DOES make you look like a pumpkin, but one of the nice tall beautifully colored pumpkin... and that color is PERFECT for you!! !!" Smiling and being honest when you didn't mean to be rude (i.e. coming out and saying "i'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude!") goes a long way to help fix things between friends.


Yeah, I have had to say some things like that too. I didn't really know how to do that until a few years ago. But in order to do that, I have to be aware that the other person is upset. So I have to pay close attention to their reactions, because sometimes I miss the signals that there's a problem.