Have you been somebody's "project"?

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I was replying to another thread when I thought of this.

Several times in the past, I've gotten the sense from family members, friends, or coworkers that this person had decided that some aspect of me was "off" and wanted to "fix" me. The most recent example has been a couple of male coworkers, who would encourage me to try new things, be more open to experiences - not necessarily a bad thing, until I took it too far and got involved with someone (a third party coworker) I shouldn't have. These people would tell me how I needed to get out more, even if I didn't feel like it, needed to be more open to love, stuff like that. And that "third party"? He had a pretty strong White Knight complex.

The most potent example is a cousin who lived with my family (basically was our nanny) for several years. She had/has issues with my mother, and wanted to try and broaden my horizons, ideally in ways that would anger and upset my mom. Since she didn't see me pushing boundaries on my own, she took it upon herself to push for me - sometimes with disastrous results (tried to teach me how to drive way before I was ready - an expensive lesson for her), other times positively (got me to cut my hair when I was 10, which got me thinking about how my personal style might be different from what my mother imposed on me), but as I've gotten older and started to understand how loaded her agenda really was, it's hard to look back at those experiences positively.

Now that I'm a little older and scoping out my personality and my boundaries (and how to push them in a non-overwhelming manner), I don't see myself tolerating a lot of this in the future. It's still hard to tell the difference between when I might genuinely need a push and when someone else is projecting their ideas about who I should be onto me.

Has anyone else dealt with people like this in their lives? How have you reacted/responded to it? I'm curious.

Yes. On MANY occasions between middle and high school. I wouldn't mind as much if they wouldn't be my best friend for, like, 3 years and then randomly stop talking to me.

I usually get that from people who don't know me well. I like going to the bar with my hubby but while he is off with his friends I will put on my headphones, get out a book, and settle into my own personal bubble. Sometimes people will interrupt me, thinking what I am really looking for is someone to bring me out of my shell. Those who know me well may not understand why I am happy being in my shell, but at least they accept it.

I do appreciate others' good intentions, I see where they're coming from and I won't forget that. I think others have wanted to help me with professional development and with being more normal, but I am where I should be, at least for now.

yes a few have actually.......I was just thinking about this today...............

On a school trip to Italy one of the fellas wanted me to get angry more often, which must be what NT's do. As a result, in a restaurant he tried to pinch my shishkebab, in the hope that i would explode. I grabbed it off him and asked what the hell was his problem. He said that i passed the test. I didn't know what he meant. I guess he must have wanted me to yell "F*** you!" and kick him in the balls.

Sometimes people are just plain weird.

Yes, I have had this happen. There was this one lady who wanted me to replace one stim for another all because SHE didn't like my stim. She also tried to change my speaking style and my opinions on certain topics.

I almost wish someone with good social skills would make me their project. I dunno, maybe some social guy at college would approach me and help me be like that...

Two christian girls befriended me because Jesus wanted them to hang out with losers. One of them even gave me a book that explained it. I loved it though; if it weren't for them, I would have had zero friends since elementary school.

But you meant wanting to fix me... Not so much. I used to visit mental health professionals because everyone thought I had mental problems, and they tried to fix everything about me. But that's expected.

Only once. A friend in college took me shopping, pointed out what I should be wearing and why. I am SO GRATEFUL to her for that! I looked very good when she was done with me and she gave me tools to continue to do that for myself. I wish I could be the project more!

The only project I've been unintentionally involved in was Project Stay-Away-From-That-Weirdo.

Yes. a few times. The thing is it's (in my case anyway) not to make you the best person possible; but to make you another version of themselves , because then you MIGHT be worthwhile person to hang around, without too much embarrassment on their part. I usually worked this out too late.

Another version of this is the colleague who pretends to like me/be my friend, but have a hidden agenda eg they want me to work on their projects for them, or so they can gather gossip to spread.

(I don't trust many people these days. Does it show?)

I've had this happen a few times over the years, my general approach is:

Is this person a good friend? If not then whatever they say is being disregarded immediately. There are a couple of people (three actually that I can think of) that I'm at least willing to listen to them when they start trying to change how I dress/look/act/etc.

Are they willing to accept "no" as an answer? If you're going to try and change me, you've got to be ready for when I say that I'm not changing it. A good example of this is that I'm very picky about having my hair cut, so people telling me I need to have it done more often or have it styled a certain way probably aren't going to get very far.

Other than my parents, people never really cared all that much about me. Welcome to America.

A couple of people back in high school tried to make me normal and "cool".
FAIL.