SPD needs help overcoming accidentally insulting friends.

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Hey,

I know this is my first post and everything but I seriously want some advice if possible. I was diagnosed with SPD about three years ago (I'm 18) but I never really understood what that meant until this morning. Since I was 12 various teachers and friends have been trying to explain how what I am saying can be perceived as harsh, insulting, or just plain hostile, but it wasn't until a friend sat down with me for an hour this morning and explained exactly what it is that I do that this makes any sense.

To give an example, which he explained, last week I was talking about how one of my friends is good at tennis and casually remarked that he would beat anyone including John (not real name). John took offence at this and said I had no right to say that because I had no idea what he was like at tennis. From my point of view, my statement had nothing to do with John's ability at tennis, I was reflecting on how good my friend was, not how bad John was because I had no idea what he was or was not like, but it didn't actually matter. But from John's point of view, I was making an assumption about his tennis skill and also insulting him.

Intellectually, I can sort of see how he could feel this, after much patient explanation on John's part, but on a personal level, I'm baffled that anyone could feel insulted by what I said when it was never meant like that. This is what I want advice on. John tells me that in the four weeks I have known him (I have just moved into halls) I have repeatedly said these kinds of things to both him and my other flatmates. From comparing my previous life, I can think of numerous incidents from my other friendship groups where I have made such similar points and inadvertantly caused offence and distress to people I love without having any idea why. I am deeply grateful to John for helping me to realise exactly how I have been behaving, but I have a problem - I don't know how to change my behaviour so I don't say such things anymore. From my POV, they're completely reasonable and even after someone has had a go at me for implying they are inferior or whatever, I still don't really get it.

I have searched in vain for how to deal with this problem - most literature I have found on the Internet for treating SPD is about developing strategies for chilsdren to cope and do not cover repeated social faux pas in adults on a scale children are too immature to make. How can I begin to recognise and stop myself when I about to say something spectacularly tactless and apparently cruel? This is the biggest impact on my life and looking back now I can recognise I have lost several friends who cannot cope with my apparently bizarre and hurtful statements. Any advice would be appreciated.

Sarah.

I understand your problem but don't know how it can be overcome unless you can recruit the help of those around you, briefly explain the problem and ask them to kindly point out when you do this and not take offence. I think a lot of us end up being afraid of other people as we don't understand the negative reactions we get, we cycle between trying to make friends, being rejected, withdrawing to lick out woulds then trying the whole process again. I hope you can get a strategy for dealing with this. May be 'people skill' training, role-playing with a counsellor to help you learn some social 'rules'?

My old school put me into counselling for three years to teach me social rules, but none of the roleplaying and emotional support promised ever materialised - instead I got this woman who used to stare at me and go deliberately silent to try to force me into making conversation.

I don't really want counselling any more. I want a way of dealing with this problem myself without having to deal with patronising professionals.

Find a good book on manners and study it. I've heard that the Miss Manners books are helpful.

Thank God for John! He is a true friend who took a great risk in explaining things to you. He can be your ally even if you never do come to understand what is happening. He can run interference for you by explaining to others that you do not always mean what you sound like to others, and he can continue to explain when you inadvertantly hurt others. Eventually you will be able to come up with rules you can follow even if you don't understand them.
I rely on my husband to let me know what happened in meetings we just attended and on friends to let me know when I was rude so I can apologize even when I don't get it. I have accepted there are some things I never will see and never will understand and therefore need help and mechanical rules. You have just learned the rule that you never compare one person to another. You say the other guy is a good tennis player with quick reflexes and is a joy to watch. Thank John for his help and his courage.
Good luck.

i second the Miss Manners book nomination

That's my advice. Each time an incident like the one you had with John happens, I'd write down what happened, what you said, how the other person reacted, what you might have done differently, and what you will do next time. That way you can determine what types of situations and comments are you are making and how to change your behavior.

I don't think that what you said to John was that offensive, but I can also understand why he would react that way.

Been a while since I made this thread, but I thought I'd update.

Someone seems to have mistaken SPD for Schizoid Personality Disorder, which isn't my diagnosis. I have Semantic Pragmatic Disorder which is a communication disorder rather than an emotional one. Basically what I think I'm saying isn't what people are hearing, and I'm sure you can all imagine what problems that causes.

Since John had that talk with me, I've made a conscious effort to stop saying stuff in the way that he was talking about. Having now discussed this matter with several people, I think in the past few months I have succeeded. Although I still have a great communication problem, I am told I am now coming across as forceful in my thoughts rather than just callous and rude. I think that's a great improvement.

I've also made quite a few close friends in my time here, which also gives me rise to hope; like many many ASDs I was greatly worried about going to uni because of the social aspect, but I think I've overcome it. Anyone who can't accept the way I communicate now probably shouldn't be my friend anyway.

So, good times!