To tell or not to tell?

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Should you tell your friends you have AS? I kinda told one recently...but I said it was "like ADHD". The last one I explained fully to completely took advantage of me.

I told only one (good) friend. He did not understand AS as a problem, although I explained to him what it is - "You are who you are, call it Aspie or whatever", he meant. After we haven't seen each other for 3 months (summer holiday), he even forgot the whole thing.

I think that, as long as they are someone you genuinely trust (which may require that you've known them awhile) they will be pretty accepting of it and interested in knowing more about it. I told one of my friends recently and she seemed really interested and asked a lot of questions. We had a lot of "so that explains...." moments too which were kind of funny. One minor problem is that people don't really know or understand what it is so it requires a lot of explaining and a bigger problem is the fact that people would actually take advantage of us, even people who say they are our friends as happened with you. I don't think that most people would, but you have to be careful. From what I've seen, it seems most of the people who take advantage of other people have a lot of personal troubles of their own (although a few are just general scum )

Most of the people that I like to be around know that I have AS because several of them have helped me through some really serious emotional difficulties I've had in the past two years so when I found out my final diagosis it would have been very cruel to not tell them . . .

Really, most people know that I have pereceptual issues (i.e. wearing my blue glasses at work) and it is obvious that I'm not very good socially - so almost everyone in my life has little bits of the puzzle - but only the people I really like to be around know the full story . . .

This leads to sometimes really funny situations at work - like today someone was talking about that new extreme makeover where they designed a house for a family where both parents were deaf and they had a blind and autistic son - and the lady telling the story was telling me about how they had designed this house for the autistic son and started out with 'My daughter works with people who are autistic and so I know a little about the perecptual problems they would have had to work out . . .' and I wanted to say 'Well, you work with someone who is autistic, too . . .' it was funny . . .

people I feel I can trust, I tell straight off.

It takes mne a while.. but to some friends I just explain the symptoms of it.

Interesting to see that so many are in the closet

Today I was actually walking down the street, pumping my fist in the air going "Autistic Pride! Power to the People!" when some kids gathered around me and laughed at me. I threatened to report them to anti discrimination agencies and they ran away.

All of my friends know. I like that my friends know because I don't have to constantly think about it when I am with them. I do have some acquaintances that know, but I don't walk around saying, 'I have Aspergers!' I am not in the closet (last year I gave a presentation to my entire psychology class about it, told them that I have it, and used a lot of my own personal experiences), it's more of on a need to know basis. I just tell people that I feel comfortable with, who I know won't treat me like I'm stupid or a leper.

I've only told a handfull of people that I have it. I could never tell any of the people I work with though becasue I would be facing discrimination from them.

i've only told 2 people. one is my bff who i've known for 5 years. we're really tight and she knows how to keep a secret. she understands and appreciates me. we look out for each other.

the other one is a good friend from camp who i've known a coupla years. it sorta slipped out, but he said he didn't believe me and he was really nice about it. i was pretty relieved.

i think you've gotta know the person really well, make sure they don't try to use it against you in order to betray you or anything. it's good to be honest w/ people, but you've gotta know when telling someone something like this will make you feel better and when it will just be unnecessarily sketchy information.

I don't know if I would tell anybody- I think that once people know about it they would start treating me differently, I would rather they just take me as I am without being labelled as suffering from a disorder.. it doesn't help that most people don't know anything about Asperger's and autism, maybe when there is more awareness about it I will tell some people.

My question is: should I tell my family?

I was self-diagnosed only a week ago today. It's still sinking in, but it's very real and I'm sure I have AS. I am a grown 31 year old, female, married 10 years so far, 2 kids. I sometimes think my NT mom would really appreciate knowing because it would explain so much to her about our relationship, and why sometimes she gets frustrated that she can't get through to me. And it will explain all the extra work she had to put in with me in explaining "basic" social situations that I didn't understand.

I also have some close friends I may want to tell eventually. One friend, in particular, is NT but has two autistic kids. One with AS, and one with stronger autism, can't remember which kind. So I keep thinking it would be nice to tell her because she'd understand.

But I'm so embarrassed about it. I fear they won't believe me because for 31 years I've learned so many ways to cope and to fake sociality.

Also, I have a few other friends who keep thinking I'm this research whiz, which I am, but now I know it's due to this. I want to be able to tell them that I traded something for that ability they admire, and that they don't have to praise me so much. That I'm just being me, just take my skills and my disabilities together. They're very nice ladies and sometimes I hope they'd understand.

Does anyone have any experience with this? With being a self-diagnosed adult who hasn't told anyone except husband (or your immediate family member)? Do you tell family? Do they even care? Do the friends you tell think you're just trying to talk about yourself too much or to garner pity from them?
Any advice, please.

Brooke

I'm not going to bother telling anybody that I susspect I have AS, except possibly my immediate family. My friends and family don't really get that personal in our disscusions, and there wouldn't be a proper place to bring it up. Its not like I'm an drug-addict and I have to tell my friends "I think I have a problem."

As for work, I don't think it is relevent their either. I tried once telling my boss and co-workers that I think I found something that explains my oddities. My co-workers/friends just thought it was another odd thing for me to do to bring AS up, I thought AS was an amazing revelation... they thought "oh boy, now he thinks he has some crazy disorder"

My boss took it a little better, but he didn't understand what AS is. And just told me that "you are one-of-a-kind, everyones differient, and you are a good person..." your average cheer up feel better talk. Which is commendable, he just didn't want me to feel depresed by thinking I have some sort of disease or disorder. Even though I don't view AS that way, I just think its good to have a deffiniton and more reasoning behind the way I act.

Once you become an adult the need to tell people about AS dwindles. If you can survive and live for your self and do the things you want to do, then telling people about AS is knid of pointless. Unless you are really close to someone, like a significant other

But for kids it is better to know, since you can better tailor the education if you know about AS. And not get so hung up about trying to make the kid a NT...

I don't think you should do that unless the circumstances are valid.

Thank you Jason and Pugly. After that last post that I made this morning, I got an awful headache, then wanted to cry and throw up. And I realized, this is a sign. I was making myself crazy as I was preparing to tell people. So I realized I shouldn't. I think I agree, that as an adult it matters less if you know how to fake it. I'm actually kinda glad I didn't know as a kid, because I have grown up thinking I was supposed to be NT, and have therefore grown incredibly good at faking it, faking being social. So really, since it won't affect anyone else (except my husband who already knows), there's no point in telling them. The dx is my information now, you know, like it's to help me be kinder to myself, so I do not have to expect NT behavior out of myself all the time, which will be a big relief. That's the point. If someone ever asked straight out, I'd tell them. But, at least for now, I know the right decision for me is to not tell my mom or friends. That the information of who I am was a blessing to me, it dosen't affect them at all. It was a blessing to me because it explains all of my "unusual" ways, which makes me happy. And I get to be nicer to myself, knowing it's a brain difference, not something I am doing to try to be different. I feel much better now. Thanks so much. I love this forum!
I love having friends with AS here. I think they're the best friends, because you don't have to translate your speech and thoughts for them to understand and accept you.

Hi, Laynie/Brooke. Finding out that I had AS, was a blessing and relief to me too. Don't feel scared or stressed about having to tell people who are close to you. If you don't want to verbally tell them you have it, you could do what I did when I told friends of mine I had it.

I gave them each copies of the definition of AS and diagnostic criteria and highlighted all of the characteristics that I show. I was so nervous as they were reading it, but I had my mum there with me for support. I wasn't sure if they would believe me or if they would no longer accept me as one of their friends. Teenagers can be very cruel. After they finished reading it, they understood me like they never had before. To them I wasn't selfish, weird, egotistical, cold, or mean-spirited anymore, which at times (much to my shock) is what they had thought of me. It felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I feel more comfortable with them than before. As for actually believing that I had it, they recalled things that I had said or done that were 'very AS', that I never even remembered. Through my experiences, it is the people that don't know me very well that can't believe that I have it. About having to fake it, when I told the people I cared about that I had it, I felt it was the first time I could truly relax.

Every time I explain AS to somebody, I become more comfortable about telling people the next time. So if you are nervous about telling your family and NT friends, tell your friend who has autistic sons. She will obviously not judge you, and you could 'try it' on her before you tell anyone else. Also, try what I did with the diagnostic criteria. It is so much better than having to come up with the words yourself in such an emotional and vulnerable position. Make sure your husband is there when you tell them, it is always great to have someone on 'your side'. That is the reason I tell my family and good friends, then they are on 'my side'.

Good luck.

Bec,
Thank you so much for the fellowship and advice. I like the idea of doing it by handing them a piece of paper, or in email. I function so well in written media. And it is very nice to hear about how you could finally relax once you told them. I just spent 2 hours with that lady with the 2 sons. Of course, I get along great with her AS son, but at the same time I was going crazy and needed to get away, he left. Which he had the "excuse" to do, and I had to sit there trying not to scream, maintaining the NT front. So, yes, you may be right!! Thanks again.