Aloofness

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Some aspies are pretty social, wanting to interact with people despite having difficulty with social skills. Others like me are more aloof, the happy loners, people who may enjoy some social interaction but they don't want to be around people a lot. I enjoy a little bit of socializing IRL but for the most part I don't have much desire to interact with other people. I hate that. I wish I were more social, that I had more interest/desire to talk to people and socialize. I try to do it but my heart's just not in it and I can't put on a very convincing act. Somehow it seems like it goes against my natural wiring and I can't seem to change it despite a desire to do so. Does that make sense? Does anyone else feel that? I worry about the effect it's having on people - I've been told that people think I don't like them, that when I don't want to talk or socialize with them much, they tend to take it personally when the problem is really me, not them.

It's not a problem of learning how to *appear* more interested in people (although I guess that would be 'plan B'), it's a question of rerouting my wiring somehow so that I really *am* more interested. Any thoughts on that?

It's different online because I can choose when I do or don't want to talk to people, but IRL you can't always control who you're around/when/for how long... those are the situations that cause the problems for me.

I know just what you mean. I don't go out of my way to escape social situations when they find me, but I make hardly any effort to seek them out either. They're sometimes fun, but I could do without them.

I wouldn't worry too much about what other people think, and I don't mean that in the "be yourself" cliched way. Most people will realize that you wouldn't be there with them at all if you weren't enjoying their company at least a little bit. Some people will be insecure and get it wrong, but in my case, telling them that I'm just naturally reserved has always helped to reassure them. On one occasion, when some girl accused me of being "too quiet," a friend of mine actually jumped in and defended my right to remain silent.

Oh I so know how you feel neongrl and ghotistix I do enjoy being alone. I used to feel guilty about enjoying minimal social interaction but now I realize it's just the way I am.

My only problem is that I forget how to interact. Many people think I am a snob or that I think I'm better than others because of my way of speaking but this is not true. I've even noticed people here have felt this way about how I interact with others, but it's not true. Actually I am still working/healing a very low self esteem.

I enjoy very little socialization because I find it very exhausting so I keep it to a minimum.

I actually like socializing and need it quite frequently or I get depressed.

However, I'm very aloof in new situations, and when it comes to approaching or interacting with strange girls. I act aloof and cold as a defense mechanism when I don't know what to do, that way I'm in no position for social rejection. Sometimes I can't alternate between when I'm social and charming and when I'm a cold, aloof prick. I either charge into a new social situation with ease, or I find it absolutely 100% impossible, there's no in between.

For the most part that works for me too. (Sometimes the whole situation just seems worse than what it probably really is.) The biggest problem is when I end up one on one with someone (especially if they're female - I find I do better around guys for some reason), if the other people leave the room or whatever. I think being female myself adds an extra challenge because we're supposed to naturally be more wired for socializing so the expectations are higher. My self-awareness is so high that I'm painfully aware of what I'm *supposed* to be doing. That increases the anxiety level because I know I'm not doing it very well and I know how I'm making myself appear, and things just go even farther downhill from there. I wish I wasn't so aware, that I could just relax and not worry about it so much...

Oh how very very true this is.
Women terrify me.
The more attractive I think a woman is, the more discomfort I feel being in her presence.
If they approached me, I would act like an ass, and they would rapidly lose interest in talking to me. So, I stick with women that understand Asperger's and accept mine. With my job (Educator at a school for children with Autism) I have plenty to chose from.

Have you ever considered that your feelings about women have a physical and not a mental basis?

The idea opens up a world of possibilities.

What do you mean by a physical basis? I'm not sure if you're talking to me or one of the other posters.

Im one of those "Social Aspies" or so it seems on the outside. But really, when I have to attend a social gathering, Im paralized inside. Iget all worked up over social events and I spend so much time worrying over them that they arent fun. Yet I crave the interaction that makes me SO uncomfortable. I try to avoid large groups when shopping or in the general public (Especally if they are teen NT's they can be mean). I only want to be social when its on my terms, which is almost never. lol. I do alright at the fire house because the environment is so spastic anyhow. I can be apart of the foolishness, or I can go sit out in the truck bays and watch the fog roll in.
the part I hate is the wanting to be social and not having the skills to make that happen smoothly.

i think im more of an aloof person. i dont really care all to much about socializing. unless its with someone who has the same intrests as me.

I'm fairly social, but only with my friends and nice acquaintences. If I go to a social gathering (rarely, I might add) I hate it unless I know at least 2 or three people there, and then I'll stick to them. What I don't like is them trying to introduce me to their own friends, because I feel obliged to smile / be nice etc. I can do polite usually, but friendly with somebody I don't know at all ... well, that's less successful shall we say! I only ever feel comfortable at social gatherings if I'm purely with my friendship group - if I'm with my schoolfriends and another couple from elsewhere, I never know to whom I should talk, because I don't want my other friends to be left out, but I want to spend time with my schoolfriends ... plus I'm rubbish at sharing time equally anyway. I won't go anywhere unless I'm certain I'll know somebody else there.

I'm very social at my Clubhouse, and very aloof at home.

I've always been aloof.

I think I am the aloof type. I don't see a problem with it, either. It isn't that I shun people, but a lot of times, if they don't approach me first, or if I don't have a question or somethign specific to say, I am perfectly content to mind my own business and enjoy the solitude of my little bubble around me.

There are times when I will initiate social interaction, but this is more of an exception, or I am polling people on a certain subject to try to figure out how or what normal people think or do in a given situation.

I guess it's backfired a little bit, though: out of three pregnant girls at work, I'm the only one who hasn't had a baby shower thrown for her yet.

I used to be that way a lot more, happy inside my bubble. But over the last few years I've become so painfully aware of how 'not normal' that aloofness is and how I'm not fitting in with everyone else. I wish I could be happily oblivious and not worry about how I'm appearing to other people, not worry about what other people might think, but I've developed a high level of self-awareness that won't let me not worry about it.