Music club last night (lack of social skills)

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Hello everyone,

I posted this on "getting to know each other", then realized it probably fits here a little better. Sorry for the repeat.

I wanted to share this experience I had last night, it was just like the experiences I've always had so it's nothing new to me and I'm sure to many of you. I just wanted to explore it pro-actively.

I was at a local music club last night to see some great shoegazer bands, since that's my favorite genre of music since the early 90's when I began going to see live bands. I was there with my girlfriend (yes, I somehow managed to attract someone, which I never thought would happen. I was thirty when I met her and she was my first and so far only one. It's a good thing she is understanding about my Asperger's tendancies, and she understands my odd sense of humor, which is really unusual). Getting back to the subject, we were there to see my friends' band play and catch some other acts. After the show my friend came over to our table and sat down and we started to chat. As usual, I would timidly attempt to converse but the conversation would invariably become one between he and my girlfriend. Then other band members joined us, and their friends. Pretty soon ther was a nice little crowd of men and women in their thirties and everyone seemed on a roll, cracking jokes and connecting in some unexplainable way (at least to me). Of course, there I was, just sitting there watching all this happen around me yet unable to join in. I would smile and laugh along, but I just didn't feel part of it. It never ceases to amaze me, how people can make connections so easily, within seconds, yet it may take me years to cultivate a friendship in which any sort of relaxed dialog could occur. I just don't understand what it is, and I wonder how they view my behaviour.
I always seem to be observing everyone else living life.

Have you guys found a way to connect with people in this type of situation? Is there a technique, a secret password, how do they do it

Take care,
DB

Yeah, I know where you're coming from.

Just talk about the music and the band, or how wonderful your girl is. Those bland topics can attenuate themselves for forever.

You describe the situation dead-on, been there, done exactly that. I do find that I can make those social connections, but it's longer, more roundabout process. I can't do it at all with strangers, but with people I've met one-on-one and established some relationship with, it's very different. I can be put in a room of up to half a dozen of those people, and I connect perfectly well as part of the group.

Of course, I also find that opening up and feeling comfortable injecting my two cents into a group conversation like that is greatly impeded by crowd noise and loud music. I can't make out what anyone else is saying, just pick up snatches here and there. (insert ribald joke here) I also find especially in a crowded noisy place, that much like trying to keep up an argument with someone who's being loud, aggressive and verbally abusive, there's a lag time between a thought occurring to me to say, and my being able to get it out. Often the appropriate moment for that comment passes and is lost, so I end up saying nothing. I hate when that happens.

I have made friends of the people in one of the local bands I see often, mainly because I've been to many of their shows, and I once bought their broken bass guitar A string for $4 as a memento. Though most of their conversations are with me just observing, my discussions with them about their songs usually go well. If you like the band and see many of their live shows, they may see that you are a dedicated fan, and end up having friendly relations with you.

Once, I ended up at least an hour and a half early for their show. They offered me to go out for food with them to wait for the show to start. I went but did not eat much, for I was not that hungry. After the show, I waited for my mother to arrive and pick me up. They offered me a ride home, but my mother was already halfway there. They ended up waiting with me, to make sure I would be safe. I was surprised by their kindness, but I was thankful they waited. I guess that is the way I float into friendly relationships.