A friend feeling used.

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I have a friend who I have known for several years; we met in high school and are now adults. She got angry with me for inviting a fellow Aspie to two of her get togethers. I told her "OK fine. You two don't get along. I won't ask the other girl again." She said she will probably be buying a condo in the complex where I live. She said that she is afraid that I will use her as a taxi service if she moves into the same complex. That is ridiculous because I never ask her for rides places. She also was worried that I would see her car and want to hang out and get my feelings hurt if she didn't want to hang out. I don't drive and so I can't provide transportation to outings. She felt taken for granted because I rode with her to Weight Watchers meetings for a long time. Sometimes I would buy her something to drink after the meetings and I did pitch in for gas when she pulled into a gas station. She thought I didn't appreciate her taking me. I said that I didn't realize she felt like that and that I did appreciate her taking me. I know gas has gotten expensive but I don't control the gas prices. I told her I know gas has gotten expensive and that is why I tried to suggest doing things that are in our neighborhood. I told her that I was sorry that I couldn't provide transportation and that I would be happy to pitch in for gas on outings. We have not done anything socially together for a long time so thus I have had no opportunity to pitch in for gas.

It sounds like she doesn't want to be friends anymore and is using the gas prices as an excuse. She made excuses when I suggested doing things together. The odd thing is, she sent me a gift subscription to Readers's Digest. I am so confused. I explained to her about AS and said I realized that sometimes relationships could be one-sided and asked if there was anything I could do to make it more of a two way street. She didn't give me any suggestions but said she'd think about it. Compounding the problem is the fact that we each have a friend that the other doesn't get along with. I just don't know what to do.

Sorry there are too many 'she' can you split the people up so I can understand it?

This situation is a bit difficult... but I try anyway.

- Sometimes I give other people a ride. But when it becomes on a regular basis it can be annoying. It gives people the impression that they are depending on you or your car... even if you give drinks or gas-money.
- Some people are afraid to tell outright the problem
- I would not jump to the conclusion she does not want you as a friend anymore

This brings me to the following suggestions:
- Maybe you could organize an outing yourself
- Also find an alternative way of transport, like bike-rides or public transport (and organize it, she just has to tag along)
- A small (spontaneous-looking) gift

I think it makes you look less dependent when you organize transport yourself, even if it isn't the most convenient kind.

But giving advice at a distance is difficult. I hope you find a solution for yourself and your friend.

You sound like a good and careful person. The other person sounds like a good person too but she lacks to means to express what she is feeling directly. I think I would stay friendly but reduce the number of times to seek her out. Continue not asking for rides. If you can arrange an outing with someone who is willing to drive two people, you could ask her to ride along.
It could be that she doesn't want to be friends anymore and is trying to find a way to not hurt your feelings or not make herself look bad, but it's hard to tell.
When I make a friend it's a friend forever until I am told directly that I'm not a friend anymore. I am always shocked when someone dumps me because I never see it coming. For a while I thought about not trying anymore, and then I realized, hey, I'm handicapped in this area. I'm going to make mistakes, but sometimes I'll be right, and it's better to try and sometimes be wrong than it is to live in a cave. Yeah, it hurts, a lot, when I'm wrong, but I'm not always wrong about the friendship. I do have some friends that will say directly that I offended them and I apologize and everything is then fine.

Lelia,
I agree with you on the frienship part as people can be so unpredictable creatures. I must honestly say that this girl has been very two faced to AS and I am the friend that she hates. This friend of AS' is being very controlling and acting very strange and it's almost like she's playing games with her.

You write:

"She said that she is afraid that I will use her as a taxi service if she moves into the same complex. That is ridiculous because I never ask her for rides places. She also was worried that I would see her car and want to hang out and get my feelings hurt if she didn't want to hang out."

This says to me that she doesn't want to be your friend any more. She's using the excuse of a car to justify her behavior. Frankly, if you never "asked her for a ride", I don't understand why she would think that.

"I don't drive and so I can't provide transportation to outings. She felt taken for granted because I rode with her to Weight Watchers meetings for a long time"

Were you both in Weight Watchers together or did she take you there so that you could go? If it was a matter of her taking you there then I would understand. However, if you were both riding to to go the program together, I don't see how she could be angry. Did you help out with gas money or compensate her in some way?

"Sometimes I would buy her something to drink after the meetings and I did pitch in for gas when she pulled into a gas station"

This answers my earlier question. So then you did help her out.

You write:

"It sounds like she doesn't want to be friends anymore and is using the gas prices as an excuse. She made excuses when I suggested doing things together. The odd thing is, she sent me a gift subscription to Readers's Digest. I am so confused. I explained to her about AS and said I realized that sometimes relationships could be one-sided and asked if there was anything I could do to make it more of a two way street. She didn't give me any suggestions but said she'd think about it. Compounding the problem is the fact that we each have a friend that the other doesn't get along with. I just don't know what to do. Sad"

Well you're right--it does look like she doesn't want to be your friend. And frankly, even though you may have done something to annoy her even though I don't see any evidence of that in your post, it's not your fault. Her decision to step away from your relationship may have nothing to do with you. It could all be about her and her life. She may have her own internal issues that is keeping her away from you. Whatever the case I wouldn't blame yourself.

I will say that I know what it's like to have friends who are friends with people that you don't like. I recently had a falling out with a friend who found out how I didn't like how his girlfriend or how he is friends with people who hate me. Long story short he and I aren't speaking and (for reasons that I won't go into) that's probably for the best. However, we had several other friends in common. And, after the falling out, I stopped talking and calling them. I did it because I didn't want to put them in the middle of the situation and it was just going to be too awkward, So I had to pull away.

But overall I don't think that this is any of your fault unless there is more that you haven't said. It seems like she is going through her own issues and, for whatever reason, she is pushing you away. That's her loss.

I think what she is trying to tell you is that maybe her past "friends" used her as their personal taxi, and she is tired of being used by people. So when you have her take you places and don't have any transportation yourself, she see's you as being like the rest of them. So basically, I think it sounds like she doesn't really trust you yet.

I would tell her straight out, you don't intend to use her.

I understand what you are saying about the friends thing. I try to get along with everybody, and I try to be friends with all types of people, however, some of these people have their "groups" that they hang out with only, and there can be a lot of tension when you try to bring someone along outside of their group.

I have to realize my dear chat buddies that I am not going to be liked by everyone but I was appalled that she didn't like me because her expressions and body language did a good job of hiding them. I acutally thought she had liked me all along and one of AS' other friends hated me. But this girl is acting out of line. I'm sorry and is making AS feel bad for two little mistakes. How childish is that? She's being a drama queen to my friend.

The friend I referred to in the original post was going to Weight Watchers meetings with was not just giving me a ride; she was also going for herself. It was on the way for her to pick me up; gas prices notwithstanding. I never called her up and asked her to take me places. Whenever I suggested getting together she would say she was tired or busy. I know people are sometimes not available but it's a little suspicious that she would be tired or busy every time I call her. I didn't call her obsessively; I called no more than once a week. I sent her an e-mail saying that I was hurt that she was worried about me using her for a taxi service if she moved into my condo complex. I told her it seemed like we didn't have anything we could share that didn't center around food. She was never interested in activities that I suggested even if I did offer to meet her there. On top of that she didn't suggest alternative activities. She said she was sorry I felt that way and didn't apologize for me being hurt about her thinking I would use her as a taxi service. I would think that a true friend would be happy to have a friend live nearby. So it just sounds like she doesn't want to be my friend. She is a good person in many ways but it just feels like I have nothing to offer her anymore since she doesn't seem to share any interests that we have and we no longer have mutual friends anymore. But I am sad as I have known her for over 20 years.

OOPS, I meant to respond as autisticstar. I lost my password and code at some point and had to sign up under another screen name. Should I try to patch things up with my friend or just forget about it?

You write:

"The friend I referred to in the original post was going to Weight Watchers meetings with was not just giving me a ride; she was also going for herself. It was on the way for her to pick me up; gas prices notwithstanding. I never called her up and asked her to take me places. Whenever I suggested getting together she would say she was tired or busy. I know people are sometimes not available but it's a little suspicious that she would be tired or busy every time I call her. I didn't call her obsessively; I called no more than once a week."

Here at this point it is clear that she is probably trying to "give you the clue" that she doesn't want to be your friend. Based on what I've seen her it is clear that she wants to end or step back from the relationship. Again, as I said earlier, it doesn't mean that you did "anything wrong" per se. It could be more about her. Her desire to not be near you may have nothing to do with her. But it is clear that she most likely wants to step back from the relationship.


"I sent her an e-mail saying that I was hurt that she was worried about me using her for a taxi service if she moved into my condo complex. I told her it seemed like we didn't have anything we could share that didn't center around food. She was never interested in activities that I suggested even if I did offer to meet her there. On top of that she didn't suggest alternative activities. She said she was sorry I felt that way and didn't apologize for me being hurt about her thinking I would use her as a taxi service."

Key question here. Did you two ever go on any outings that didn't involve Weight Watchers? Or was your relationship simply confined to Weight Watchers? If that's the case then maybe you didn't understand the nature of the relationship. That is, you thought it was more than it actually was. She probably viewed it as having a fellow Weight Watchers program person and nothing more--a casual acquaintance per se.

When I was younger I often had problems delineating between a casual acquaintance and friendship. What you seem to have had with her was a casual acquaintance as opposed to a friendship. And maybe she just wanted to keep the relationship limited to Weight Watchers. When you tried to expand it beyond the boundary that she had set in her mind, she stepped away.

I can give you an example. I was taking a class with someone who was nice to me. We would email and talk. A couple times I suggested an outing to a restaurant or to hang out and the person, while not outrightly declining, either said nothing or changed the subject. It was clear to me that the person just wanted to keep the relationship confined to the class. Some people are going to be like that.

"I would think that a true friend would be happy to have a friend live nearby. So it just sounds like she doesn't want to be my friend."

But she wasn't really a "friend". I honestly don't think that you have learned yet the difference between a casual acquaintance and a friend. I had to learn that lesson--often the hard way. There is a difference. Learning the subtle differences can be hard because most other people can instinctively understand those boundaries.

"She is a good person in many ways but it just feels like I have nothing to offer her anymore since she doesn't seem to share any interests that we have and we no longer have mutual friends anymore. But I am sad as I have known her for over 20 year"

Now I'm confused. You made it seem like you knew her through Weight Watchers. Did you ever engage in other activities or outings with her? That might invalidate everything that I wrote.

What I will say, though, is that friendships often change over time. Again it's not a matter of "good or bad" or "right or wrong". Sometimes people change, find new interests, and go in different directions. That seems to be what might be happening here. I'm about to turn 30 soon and my friendships have significantly changed over the last 10 years.

People are so confusing! I was out last night and the woman whom this post is about called and left me a message. She said she didn't know if I'd checked my e-mail or not and said she was going to home that day and tomorrow.She endede the message by saying "Call me." I will call her today. I was just so confused last night I didn't know what to say. I think I will just point blank ask if she still wants to be friends. I wonder if maybe she is going overboard on being assertive since she is working on losing weight and a lot of times people stuff down feelings with food. I was on the bus the other day and I overhead two people talking about gas prices. One guy was saying that he had no discretionary income because of all the money he was spending on gas. I can see where she might be frustrated at the gas prices but it's really not fair to take it out on me. I use public transportation to go to work and run errands and go to doctor/dentist appointments. There are some entertainment venues where public transportation does not go to. So I will also ask her point blank why she was worried about me using her as a taxi service. I wish people would just say what they mean!!