Does keeping your mouth shut about everything help?

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roygerdodger
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13 Aug 2008, 11:52 pm

It seems every time I say something to someone like "I don't care about politics", "I have autism", "I like closing logos", "I'm not like you", or "I can't do this because my family can't afford it", I either piss them off, get ignored, or get teased about it, so does keeping your mouth shut about everything ever help?



Keith
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14 Aug 2008, 12:18 am

No, it seems to be how you say something rather than being blunt.

I hate politics - I'm sorry, but I have no interest in politics (example)
I'm not like you - I just happen to be far different from any other person you will meet (example)

I do have a habit of trying to tell my step-brother how to race a track on a computer, but he does it his way and I let him do it - keeping quiet is VERY hard.



Bunni
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14 Aug 2008, 1:11 am

It can sound like whining, but then all your examples are very negative too.

Try and think about how you say a thing, rather than just blurting out your true feeling in a nutshell.

I wouldn't also depend on "I have autism" as an excuse to be rude. You can say "I seem to think differently about alot of things", or "while I appreciate your point of view, mine is different". Another good thing you can say is "I guess we will have to agree to disagree." "To Each his own", is another good way to let someone know you understand differences.


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IpsoRandomo
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14 Aug 2008, 1:13 am

If you say "I have autism" or try to make it obvious, people will probably pity you and treat you like you're in the special-ed, usually precisely because they are trying to be polite or kind.



iceb
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14 Aug 2008, 1:20 am

Good rule - If I can't say something positive, say nothing.


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sgrannel
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14 Aug 2008, 1:31 am

And don't say too much. How much is too much? Saying too much about even something positive, is often treated negatively. I guess it's one of those NT things. If you say too much, it makes you look insecure, or maybe the very act of withholding information is valued culturally, for whatever reason, even if it's not about anything too personal and you're not blabbing about someone else.

The exchange of information is like handing out currency. Don't hand out too much until the other person starts returning the favor, or they won't respect you or value what you have to say. As with any enterprise, you can't make a profit if you give away the company store! The less said, the more other people want to hear it, and you have to make them work a little for it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rNXIe31g6k

Shut up, you talk too loud,
You don't fit in with the crowd,
I can't believe you exist,
I've crossed you right off my list,
Too much, too soon,
You're way out of tune,
No Class, No Class

Way out, you're way out of line,
No buddy I can't spare a dime,
Fade out, baby that's right,
No bark and even less bite,

Your perfect smile,
Betrays your lack of style,
No Class, No Class
Ah No Class, No Class

Too late, you can't catch up now,
You face the wrong way anyhow,
I know you ain't got the brain,
To come in out of the rain,

Too bad, no magic,
I'm afraid you're merely tragic,
No Class, baby No Class
No Class, ah No Class


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spudnik
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14 Aug 2008, 1:41 am

Talking is over rated, I seldom talk, I can but its difficult to convey anything to most people
directly, If people don't take an interest in what you have to say, Roger, then its their loss.



sgrannel
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14 Aug 2008, 1:48 am

I meet weekly with one of my advisors at a restaurant for dinner and to discuss engineering problems. One time we were talking about something (he's louder than me, I think but it's not like either of us were shouting). A lone woman seated in the next booth moved a few more down to avoid hearing us talk. Oh well, screw her! Not everyone has the curiosity, ambition or capacity for forward thought, to be where we are, and that's why I belong better at a university/research setting than I would elsewhere. But even here, I am still somewhat limited in who I can talk to.


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donkey
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14 Aug 2008, 3:59 am

roygerdodger wrote:
It seems every time I say something to someone like "I don't care about politics", "I have autism", "I like closing logos", "I'm not like you", or "I can't do this because my family can't afford it", I either piss them off, get ignored, or get teased about it, so does keeping your mouth shut about everything ever help?


you should probably keep your mouth shut.
while saying what your saying is normal for you, it is the reaction that you words evoke that is normal for non-AS
keep your mouth shut.
keep it shut.
shut it.
shut.


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Ticker
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16 Aug 2008, 7:08 pm

donkey wrote:
roygerdodger wrote:
It seems every time I say something to someone like "I don't care about politics", "I have autism", "I like closing logos", "I'm not like you", or "I can't do this because my family can't afford it", I either piss them off, get ignored, or get teased about it, so does keeping your mouth shut about everything ever help?


you should probably keep your mouth shut.
while saying what your saying is normal for you, it is the reaction that you words evoke that is normal for non-AS
keep your mouth shut.
keep it shut.
shut it.
shut.


I totally agree with Donkey and also Sgrannel. I have the same problem. As old as I am and I still can't keep my mouth shut though I know I should. Its the hardest thing being Aspie because I am totally honest about everything including how I really feel. But honesty & bluntness gets you in trouble at work and with friends and family. Maybe that's what Kate Bush's old song is about when she sings "I learned to keep it shut". I'm quite positive she is an Aspie and a brilliant one at that.



Ticker
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16 Aug 2008, 7:13 pm

Lyrics for Kate Bush's "Leave It Open"

I interpret it to mean how being overly honest, blunt and critical gets you in trouble and makes enemies. And also how leaving your mind open and mouth shut can be good as long as you don't leave your mind so open you believe everything your hear.


With my ego in my gut,
My babbling mouth would wash it up.
(But now I've started learning how,)
I keep it shut.
My door was never locked,
Until one day a trigger come cocking.
(But now I've started learning how,)
I keep it shut.
Wide eyes would clean and dust
Things that decay, things that rust.
(But now I've started learning how,)
I keep 'em shut.
I keep 'em shut.
Harm is in us.
Harm is in us, but power to arm.
Harm is in us.
Harm in us, but power to arm.
Harm is in us.
(Leave it open!)
Harm is in us, but power to arm.
Narrow mind would persecute it,
Die a little to get to it.
(But now I've started learning how.)
I leave it open.
I kept it in a cage,
Watched it weeping, but I made it stay.
(But now I've started learning how.)
I leave it open.
I leave it open.
Harm is in us.
Harm in us, but power to arm.
Harm is in us.
Harm in us, but power to arm.
Harm is in us.
(Leave it open!)
Harm in us, but power to arm.
Harm is in us.
Harm in us, but power to arm.
Harm is in us.
(Leave it open!)
Harm in us, but power to arm.
Harm is in us.
Harm in us, but power to arm.
Harm is in us.
Harm in us, but power to arm.
Harm is in us!
Harm is in us!
Harm is in us!
Harm is in us!
Harm is in us!
Harm is in us--
Harm in you and in me!
What you letting in?
Tell me what you're letting in.
Say what we're gonna let in!
We let the weirdness in.
We let the weirdness in.
We let the weirdness in.
We let the weirdness in.
We let the weirdness in.



Brunny
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16 Aug 2008, 8:16 pm

My policy is to keep quiet unless I'm sure I've learned the NT rules for this particular conversation/situation or someone actually directly asks me a straightforward question.