Reflective Listening

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Have you ever heard of "reflective listening"? It's a simple concept, but can have profound effects. I also find it very hard to do. I'm writing about it because I think it will encourage me to do it.

So, very commonly a conversation might go like this:

Person A: "I feel this..."

Person B: "I don't see it that way, I think this..."

And so you have a disagreement. If it's on an important subject, it's an argument with both sides holding on to their opinion.

Instead, there is the option to do like this:

Person A: "I feel this..."

Person B: "Oh, so you're feeling...[paraphrases in a way that shows he/she understands the Person A."

Person A: "Yes, that's it [and now is encouraged to explain further because he/she is heard]" or "No, it's more like [knowing that the other person is trying, is encouraged to explain better.]

This back and forth could go on until Person A has given a few "Yes's" and seems to have elaborated as much as they want.

At this point, Person B could bring up what they were thinking or feeling, and then Person A would reciprocate the reflective listening process.

At the end of this discussion, instead of having an argument, each person knows the other better and they are closer instead of having built up a wall.

I wish more people would try to do this and encourage each other to do the same. I find it hard to remember to do and it would be nice if this were a widespread ideal that we all encouraged each other to do.

Yeah, I heard of it when I was in university (psychology), one exam was about counseling and it talked also of RL. Yes, it sounds interesting, it should help people to understand things better and make better choices, without giving explicit advice, just helping them to see things more clearly.

that is very brave of you. however, it isn't difficult to use this method of listening at all. you just need more practice. that's all! it will become a habit. like smoking, it is very addictive

here are few more tips that can improve your listening:

1. maintain eye contact - so the speaker knows you giving him attention.
2. observe the speaker's body language - this way, you will understand the WHOLE message. he might be lying you know? or maybe trying to pull you leg.
3. listen to the tone - words said in different tone has different.

reflective listening, also know as active listening is one of the best method of listening know in personal communications.

i hope these helps to improve your listening skills.

I am afraid I have to agree with Iau for most of it, but I also know there are tricks and rules.

1) Eye contact. An aspie mate told me he just looked people between the eyes on the fore head. This way the person thinks you are looking at them and pay attention. I am going to try this and see how it works. Normally I just hide behind my glasses...
2) Body language. I fail completely here, very incompetent! I have been told there are rules here, positions people sit in, hold their arms etc when talking and that you can learn these rules.
3) Tone, hmmm... dunno, this is a lot more difficult. I don't have a monotone voice (I think) and I can hear other people speaking in different tones too, but I relate to these different tones as irritating or I like the tone. Sometimes it even distracts me from what people are saying.

Reflective listening or direct listening sounds like something you can learn and it seems a very useful skill. I think it is very difficult to learn though and it feels very artificial to me at the moment too. Does it really work to avoid arguments?
I am very much focussed on words.

Hmmm...

How do you feel when you talk to someone, and he wasn't listening? Angry right? This is why the eye contact is there. It is a form of courtesy, by showing that you are listening. Paraphrase is to ensure you get the message and create rapport with the speaker. So that you don’t look like you are drifted.

As for the body language, you have to ask yourself, "If I am doing that, what am i feeling?"

For example, if I am lying, my eyeballs will look at the upper left corner. That means my brain is trying to access to my creative area of my brain. (This isn't true for everyone, just taking me for example)

I tried an experiment before with one of my friends, she said a few sentences, and one of them has to be a lie. Before she lied, she paused for a while (it is extremely brief), and lost the eye contact. (At this point, she is accessing her creative part of her brain) and then lied. And when she speaks, there is a little uncomfortable tone in her words.

Guess she isn’t really a good liar. But no matter who you are. Your body language will betray you. Just that how unnoticeable it is.

Read books on body language. They will give you a rough idea on body language. However, the best is you go and try it yourself.

Reflective listening (RL) is kind of artificial to me at first. I mean what the hell? I have to do so many things at one time? Observe, listen and paraphrase? I am not a multi-tasking computer you know?

So I practice one thing at a time first. Then slowly I do it concurrently.

First, paraphrase
Then, listen at the tone. (But I am paraphrase at the same time)
Next I maintain the eye contact (you know the drill, listen for the tone and paraphrase while maintain eye contact)
Finally, observe the body language (I think you know the pattern by now)

I took months to build RL naturally in me.

Humans are a creature of habits. Once it is a habit, it is comes naturally. So make it a habit. How to make it into a habit? Reward yourself once you done it. Like eat an ice-cream or even praising yourself like “I’m a genius!” are rewarding. This will register in your brain that it feels good once you done it. (The same principle in drugs and smoking, it instantly makes the person feel good. It feels so good, that is a destructive habit.)

Nothing beats experiences my friends.

Words, yes it is important. Words hold the meaning of the message. But, the words we use are the same. How you speak the words is the TRUE message.

Hope this helps.

P.S: kitty 2, if you got the message, there wouldn't be any misunderstanding. Does that prevent arguments or conflict? Unless you choose to betray that person. All I can say is you are looking for trouble

While I understand that WonderWoman is complimenting you on providing some information....

Hope this helps.

P.S: kitty 2, if you got the message, there wouldn't be any misunderstanding. Does that prevent arguments or conflict? Unless you choose to betray that person. All I can say is you are looking for trouble

Reflective or active listening, just like any other practice, can be a wonderful tool for one's own awareness, but a horrid mechanism to institute robotically in one's conversational style.

I'm guessing improving social skills is a big like swimming drills. When working on form for how one's hand enters the water, one's supposed to forget about one's feet. So while working to get the feel of active listening or empathic responding or any other approach, one overdoes it a bit.

Problems and stiltedness arise - I've seen this in NTs a LOT - when one doesn't end the drill and get holistic about it. Nothing feels less connected to me than someone who's relying on their active-listening blurbs to make me feel heard, and not really engaging. Maybe they don't want to hear it; it would be more empathic in that case to up-front say they hear I'm needing to share and requesting they listen, but they can't do that at the moment. (Marshall Rosenberg talks about empathy for oneself being key to empathic listening to others.)

There are free conference call practice sessions, btw, for working on various communication approaches. They're self-help, meaning no instructor or therapist, so it can be hit or miss.