I have noticed that a lot of posts on this board, as well as in the Haven, are about people's difficulties making friends - good friends, best friends, friends that last longer than the relationship being convenient, significant others...
I am in my third week of college and so far have around four real friends. The kind that become best friends, that one spends all their time with and can tell anything. Seeing all of these posts, I want to share what I have found out about making friends.
Talk to people.
I don't mean small talk or any of that meaningless drivel, because that is no way to get to know the person. But most people are fascinating if you give them the chance. They all have their own stories, and have had interesting experiences that you have never had. Some people seem as if they have nothing interesting to say, but that is because people aren't asking the right questions. You can make your AS work for you in this way. Ask questions that they can respond to with real meaning - the very kind of questions you like best. I've found that if a person is really, truly interested in something, and is really passionate about it, they can make it seem interesting to me even if I would find the subject utterly boring otherwise.
To talk to people, you must first approach them. This is difficult if you are shy or uncomfortable in social situations. However, if the person is alone and is not clearly occupied with something else, they will probably welcome a friendly overture. Walk up to them and ask something on the order of, "Are you in the mood to engage in conversation?" If they are not, thank them politely and leave them alone; if they reply positively, you have been provided the necessary opening and may now converse. This is different from approaching someone with ritual small talk because you are not inflicting conversation on someone who doesn't want it, and both parties have a comfortable way out.
You do not have to try to figure out a subject of conversation all by yourself. Ask the person about themselves ("Please, tell me about yourself.") or what interests them ("What are you interested in?"). These are the two subjects that almost everyone most likes discussing, and the person will likely be happy to oblige you. You then listen politely to them until they come upon a subject that interests you or that you have thought about, and you interrupt them politely to offer your contribution. This way you will both be discussing a possible mutual interest, and until the person mentions this subject you will be learning potentially beneficial information about them that you can use as a reference in your conversation and possible relationship. To move the conversation along so that it does not end once the current subject is exhausted, use the same technique to find new subjects as they come up - when something regarding the new subject is mentioned, you relate it to your feelings about it and let that introduction start a new thread of conversation.
To continue the relationship so that it develops into possible friendship: When the conversation must end due to time constraints, other engagements, or a pleasant satiation of exchanging ideas, and you find that you enjoy conversing with this person, tell them so and ask if they would like to continue the association by exchanging contact information. If they would, they will agree; if the conversation was merely a pleasant (or even not necessarily pleasant) diversion, they may deny the offer politely without needing to provide an excuse. Once contact information is exchanged, you may choose the option of either contacting them remotely for conversation or getting together physically for an activity, such as meeting to talk at a coffee shop or going together to an amusement park. You may initiate contact after the first conversation-meeting, but allow the other person to make the next move so that you are not inflicting a certain level of association on them. If the person is not replying in the positive to your overture, they are not necessarily trying to avoid association; however, allow them to choose the level of closeness in your relationship by letting them initiate the next contact.
Not every person with whom you exchange contact information will desire wholly to continue the relationship, and that is okay. But some will. Many of those people will become nothing more than acquaintances, friendly and familiar though they might be, and that is also okay. In most cases, this will not be your fault. However, a certain fraction of the people you meet in this way will become your real friends, and more than simply friends of convenience (the being friends in order to have friends syndrome). These people will be faithful to you and your relationship with them, and you will be able to tell them anything and will be happy just to be in their presence. It is rare to meet people with whom you will have such a relationship, but the more people you become acquainted with, the more likely it is that you will find these people. That is why it is important to talk to people. Wishing that you had friends will do nothing for you, because you will never meet these people unless they initiate contact with you, and in my experience NTs seldom initiate true conversations with strangers unless the situation is one in which both of you will be encountering each other frequently - these are almost always friendship-acquaintances of convenience, which would not occur and are not likely to continue without the aid of the situation that brings you together.
I hope this helps.
13 Oct 2008, 12:10 am
