Bluntly ending a friendship with an Aspie.

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(Some strong language, sensitive readers may wish to go back.)

I've got a friend with AS, but he is the most arrogant person I've ever met.

> He is very self-opinionated, arrogant, and thinks that only his views are right, and that he is better than everyone else.
> He is often analytical about people, and often points out analyses of them, regardless of whether they are appropriate or not.
> He is a very inflexible person, and doesn't really tolerate the views of others. He will listen to what someone says and will deliberately oppose it.
> He has deluded views and senses, and still thinks he is right.
> He always tries to make his views heard, regardless of what the actual social convention is.
> He will make statements that infuriate other people, such as by adressing them in such a way that creates a heirarchy where he is at the top.

I posted some of these bullet points on this forum a few months ago due to built up annoyance of this so-called 'friend'. I thought about giving him another chance but I didn't exactly manage to tell him how much his Aspie behaviour annoys me. Although he is an Aspie, it is often hard to tell when he's just deliberately using it as an excuse to behave egotistically and sadistically. I'm just thinking of not being friends with him any longer, full stop. For example, he spoke to me rather agressively after one of his stupid generalisations: he said that "all people who own Xbox 360s are as*holes who can't unstick themselves from the television", and I replied "That's a very extreme sweeping statement", to which he retorted, "Ollie! All people who own an Xbox 360! Listen!" To think that a friend would speak to me like that is just unacceptable, regardless of whether he has Asperger's or not.

There are characteristics that are expected in a friend that he does not display:
> Valuing other people's opinions and thoughts.
> Showing empathy (i.e. by observing behaviour).
> Showing an interest in some of the things I say.
> Doing favours for me in return for something I have done for him.
> Being diplomatic.

What would be the best thing to say to him to make him think, "Oh s**t, I've just lost a friend."?

I've got some ideas about what to say to him if the circumstances arise (some of these do involve expletives, because they reflect the annoyance that I've got for him):

- When he says something daft or deluded, I could just say to him, "Oh shut up, you're full of s**t," or, "Stop talking out of your arse."

- If he says something rude or if he is being arrogant, I could say, "Wow, for someone who's a devote Catholic, you're the most self-opinionated, obdurate, arrogant and socially inept person I've ever met!"

- "Throughout the years, you've made absolutely no effort to correct your selfish behaviour despite tellings-off from your parents, your peers and your teachers!"

- "Hey, you know you said mathematics was fundamentally flawed? What about your A-Level results?" (He got bad AS Level results, which is justifiable evidence that he is not right all the time )

- If he continues, I could just say to him, "I'd like you to do one thing for me. Piss off," and possibly "I might just stop socialising with you altogether."

- When I finally throw in the towel, I'll just say to him, "You've just lost a friend."

I know this isn't the most polite was of calling off a friendship, and I wouldn't normally do this, but I feel that this is a special case where it is required.

Would anybody like to make any suggestions?

[quote] If he says something rude or if he is being arrogant, I could say, "Wow, for someone who's a devote Catholic, you're the most self-opinionated, obdurate, arrogant and socially inept person I've ever met!" [/quote]

erm not being offensive but after the popes recent behaviour that is basically wot a catholic is. they think thier right.

i know how u feel and i think its best if u do drop him as a friend it'll make him realise wot he's doing to ppl.

I came up with that quote because he shows signs of being a devote Catholic, such as saying grace before eating dinner, but his arrogant behaviour contradicts his Catholic 'beliefs'. I mean, if he was a true Catholic, he would follow the Golden Rule in his beloved Bible. But he doesn't.

I assume you've already tried in a civil way to let him know what you think about the situation, and that he simply hasn't responded to you respectfully.

Thus I think the answer to your question is: nothing. Actions speak louder than words, even expletives. Stop hanging around him anymore, just like he is no longer your friend. Don't talk to him, don't do anything that involves him, just get him out of your life. If he actually cared, he will regret what he did and might try to contact you again. If he never cared, then no further effort wasted on your part. You can only help those who want help, you can't control what he does... but it doesn't mean you have to stay in that situation by any means.

Sorry things turned out this way!

I try never to burn any bridges; I would just distance myself from him, make BS excuses like I have a lot of work that is cutting into my free time with my friends, etc. Let the next person blast him with the truth and risk falling on their sword.

It doesn't benefit you to clue him in - you're not going to be around him anymore anyway. It would benefit him only if he takes your opinions to heart, and he doesn't sound like someone who would. It would benefit the next person who befriends him only if he takes your opinions to heart, and like I said, that seems unlikely. So you'd be p*ssing off someone who knows you well and may take revenge/start rumors/key your car/etc. in exchange for nothing at all.

I would just quietly distance myself. But then, may be I'm just being paranoid. You know this guy and what he's able to do as revenge. You may feel that the momentary satisfaction of nailing him is worth any future price you may pay. I don't agree, but that's just my opinion.

I know that there are situations where some with As has been misDXed as personality disorder...can't recall the name but something with being egotistical and arrogant . Is it possible that your friend has been misDxed and really has a personality disorder and not AS ? Those behavior traits you described seem less like AS to me, then what some NT's "think" AS is, if you know what I mean . I certainly don't recognize myself in your description . I also think that it is possible for some one who does have AS to also have co-morbid mental health issues that are not directly connected to their neurology .

Either way...there is no point in having a relationship with someone whose company you don't enjoy...life is to short .

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissist ... y_disorder

It sounds like the guy has a severe case of AS. When he made the Xbox comment its just the same as the Aspie that lectures everyone he meets about quantum physics or whatever his latest obsession is. To your friend critizing and his form of psychoanalyzing others (ie:Xbox owners) is his obsession. For many Aspies that is the only thing they can talk about is either their hobby or they have rehearsed topics that they repeat over and over as I know a Aspie like that.

You have more patience than myself as I would have tired of him long before you. If you can get him to sit down and shut up long enough then it would actually benefit him in the long run to explain "I do not want to hang out with you anymore because you speak rudely, make generalizations that hurt others including me ..."and so forth. If you just stop seeing him without explaining why then he will make up in his own mind something about how bad you are which in turn hurts him because he needs to know how he comes across to others. If he doesn't have someone kindly tell him what he is doing wrong he will just keep repeating the same mistake over and over and will never get new friends or women. So leave him for your own sanity, but do it kindly by trying to help him realize the error of his ways.

Reminds me of how my psychologist said its a kind thing to warn someone if they have a bit of food stuck in their teeth. It might seem embarassing, but its a kind thing to do for a friend so they don't embarrass themselves in front of a stranger later on.

In the Catholic church, only the Pope is infallible. You might remind him of that sometime.

Just because he's Mr. Right, doesn't mean his first name is 'always'.

I would say just dump him. Who cares if he doesn't care he lost a friend or not. I don't think it make him change if you wanted him to care. He would probably think. "Oh well, he couldn't accept me for who I am, his problem."

Sounds like he is projecting, or taking out some of his problems onto other people. I have noticed alot of people do this (not just aspies). I hear people complaining about someone that does this or that, but they don't realize they do the same thing themselves. Until he figures these issues out and deals with them, he probably won't change.

Seriously: the BEST thing to do is just to be honest and direct! !

He needs to know what he's doing wrong so he can change that behavior.

(That is, if he is open to criticism and open to bettering his social skills)

Consider a statement like this: I feel _____ when you say _____.

Make sure you start with an "I" statement (how you feel) and not a "you" statement (what you perceive about him).

Then he'll understand why you don't want to spend time with him anymore, and if you stop hanging out with him, he'll know that the only way to be friends with you again is to change.

Good luck!

End it, move forward, be the better person.

Yeah, he could be using AS as an excuse for having a common and poor sense of character. He is lacking character, and that isn't cool, especially for an Aspie. He is probably unhappy and has low self esteem and an inflated ego, totally ignorant. I knew someone like this too. What a schmuck!

Don't just start avoiding him or lying to him that you're busy, etc... =[

Ask him if your friendship really means anything to him. If not, than it's okay to move on. If it does mean something to him, address to him how you feel about his behavior.

i had a friend who i suspect is an aspie, i met her when we
were in kindergarten but befriended her in college by accident,
several years after college, we stayed in contact by phone but rarely
go out coz i don't like to.. she talks incessantly without concern
to my reactions or response, sometimes i let her talk on the phone
while i hang the phone on the side then when she loudly yells hello
that's when i pick it up again,
i learned not to give her my landline when we changed numbers, only the
cell phone number, so she wouldn't bother me.
then she had this habit of leaving miss calls, then texted me that it was
a signal that i could call her up because she wanted to talk to me...duh..
later this year when i got fed up, i texted her this mean message
" are you seriously weird?? what's the point of ringing me up if you
obviously get the message i don't want to talk to you" i know it's mean
but i feel really stressed talking to her...after that message she didn't bother
me for months now. hopefully never. lol