14 Dec 2005, 12:46 pm
I want people to invite me to their parties, talk to me a lot, and not worry what I was thinking about them. I want them to make decisions for me, the right ones. I want them to contact me, not necessarily the other way around. I want them to initiate conversations, and I want them to have an obsessive hobby that I can relate to. I want people to constantly befriend me despite the fact I have almost nothing to give in return as far as social interaction goes.
Not asking for much am I? 
But what actually happens is, I get invited to some parties, I go to them, and nobody talks to me. When someone does talk to me, I spend the whole time worrying about the conversation and what their disposition is, and I think I'm not very interesting, because they engage in small talk etc. This is the point where I drink lots. I haven't been invited to a party for quite some time... and if I did, I probably wouldn't go.
I think the people I know are getting the hang of the fact that I don't tend to start conversations, that I don't make eye contact. But I still think they think I'm ignoring them, or don't like them, or something.
Damn it, I swear there was a point in my life, when I was very young that I *COULD* feel empathy, understand people and engage in conversation normally, and make friends easily. This was around when I was 9 or 10. Perhaps I was just dreaming or something, but I do remember being NT at at least one point in my life - just not for the other 99% of it. Sigh.
Anyway, does removing gluten and casein from your diet help you in anyway? I've read from several places that this helps children with autism with a pretty high success rate, wondered if it applied to AS? I've stopped eating dairy and wheat/gluten products for a while to see if it has any effect.
