Dealing with spouse's family :(

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Okay, so I'm married. That's mostly due to my husband's tenacity rather than my social ability. We'll have been married 8 years next week. Up until this last year, we did fine. We have an almost-5 year old daughter, too. We've always lived at least a couple of hours, if not a couple of states, away from either of our families. Last year (almost exactly), we moved to the town where my husband was born. His entire family is here, which isn't much - his grandparents, his uncle (all in the same dysfunctional house) and his mom (who moved in with us shortly after we got here - long story).

Hubby long ago accepted my unique characteristics, but his family just doesn't get it. They think I'm rude, inconsiderate, self-centered, dense (but extremely intelligent), the whole nine yards. They're always complaining to my husband about how I'm acting or what I'm doing, when I'm just trying to muddle along as best I can. I try to remember all those social niceties, like small talk and stuff even though I'm really not interested and don't see the point. Now my husband has been getting bombarded froun four people about how I am, and while my family up North is used to me, his family down here in the good 'ol South isn't.

I'm out of ideas at this point. I don't know how to deal with it anymore. My husband and I are in marriage counseling now, and the therapist gets annoyed with me because I don't "express myself fully" and I'm "emotionally restricted." (DUH.)

Anyway. It's sad. It's depressing. And I just don't know what to do. None of my psychologists or therapists have ever wanted to give me the ASD dx, yet every measure I've ever taken shows me to be about in the mid-range of ASD responses, and this website is one of the only places I feel I understand, am understood, and fit in. So without a formal diagnosis, nobody believes me, and I'm stuck in all this blasted cognitive-behavioral therapy that is only serving to make me more annoyed than ever.

Hubby thinks it's cute when I ask him quite seriously (and he knows it) if he's flirting with me or if I'm interpreting his reaction to something correctly. Wish the rest of his family could follow suit.

Thanks for reading this far, if you have.

Somewhat down today -

B.

My commiserations,I am in the same boat,my inlaws don`t know what to make of me.I stubbornly refuse to project a false outgoing persona just so they will like or approve of me.

Have you gone to a specialist in autism spectrum work? I ask because it sounds like your other psychologists have been people who see you on a regular basis. They often don't have direct experience with autism and often feel that it's just patient manipulation to try and get labeled autistic. If you haven't, it might be easier and more truthful to go to someone new and knowledgeable, get the dx from them, and that's that. Once you have the dx, you have some ammo. I went through the same cr*p until I got my dx. Then I was able to say, "NO! I have enough to deal with, thank you! It's time for YOU to show some respect for the way I am!"

After that I would strongly recommend (surprise! ) learning about body language. Groups of people--families especially--have subconscious rules, needs, and irritations that are very, very hard for aspies to detect. And when they don't deal correctly, the group has the instinct to persecute you.

Aspies all over are starting to pick up body language as a way to build confidence and manage people around them. As it stands, you probably don't pick up 75% of the communication that is fired at you by NTs. With a small amount of reading, you can learn enough to easily decode the way your in-laws are REALLY feeling, and address that. You can take the war to their turf, and believe me when I say, it feels great. They won't know what hit them. You'll be privy to all their little games and be able to win a few for a change.

Anyway, just a thought. Hope it works out!

This indeed sound very sad, and I feel sorry for you. I have had some though times myself with my wifes family.

Not sure what exactly happened and how, maybe I adapted myself better or they just got to tired of hating me, but the relations have become a lot better. Very slowly, but surely. The first five to ten years were the worst, the last ten haven't been bad (compared to what I am used to

Not sure about what you should do. Maybe not try to hard, and maybe it would be best to move further away again, and/or not have to much contact. But maybe that's very bad advice.

It is important to believe in yourself though, so I do hope you manage to do that, despite the very difficult circumstances.

Last edited by omega on 20 Mar 2006, 3:19 am, edited 1 time in total.

I'm having a hard time finding anyone in the local area or even within 100 miles who's a specialist in autism spectrum disorders. That said, I should probably make note that I'm a contract mental health/DD/substance abuse case manager for a two-county mental health LME. I make referrals to all sorts of places for my clients all the time. Upshot of which is that I know pretty much everyone in the eastern half of the state (and some in the western) on a professional level, and I feel I have some very valid concerns about my professional reputation should I go to one of these folks for my own evaluation.

My psychologist thinks it's a personality disorder or two combined (probably schizoid, which he's never said, and avoidant, which he has). The marriage therapist just thinks I'm repressed. I've carried an ADHD and major depression dx since college so my psychiatrist said that my problems are all from that. Which is ridiculous because I GOT (and continue to get) depressed primarily over my inability to interact with others the way I want to.



I've been studying body language for years. Back home and generally up North, I was very good at it and only occasionally came across like I was missing the boat with others. But then we moved down South - yes, a move from Alaska/Minnesota to North Carolina is a bit of a leap - and I'm totally out of my element here. I don't get the culture, I haven't yet gotten to the point of ignoring some of the mannerisms (they still annoy me at this point), don't like the talk, don't like the weather - none of it makes sense to me. But I"m trying to adapt. Just the combination of strange new culture and social expectations combined with my being forced to operate in this situation under pressure is really tough.

I'm great at the finer details of my job, organizing and problem-solving and coordinating, etc. I'm even okay with the face to face parts because I'm in charge of the meetings, I have the agenda to get through, and if I'm making "small talk," I know what information I need to get and can follow a decent "small talk script" to get that information and get out.

I'm in the wrong job though, I really am. I'm trying to find a new one but this is a very small community, everyone in my field knows me and I know everyone else, etc. Not much opportunity. My job is one of the better paying ones in the area too, which is important with a small child. Seems like in general I'm too good at deciphering the broad meaning of body talk to be seen as anything but slightly odd, but not good enough to catch everything or even most of it. I can see it easier when observing others, just not if it's directed at me.

I'm way off topic, sorry. I tend to ramble, and as I said, this is one of the only places where I feel I can talk about this stuff without fear.

Thanks so much for the reply. I honestly feel HEARD for the first time in a long while.

Becca

Yeah, that's pretty much me too. Even when I was in the Army, I never really hung out in the dayroom or did that whole get drunk and party thing when I was off duty. I doubt I would have won any populatiry contests at any point in my life, though I did win "Just plain weirdest" in my high school class of 435. A dubious honor, but one I find rather amusing nonetheless.

Becca

Don't feel sorry for me. That's one of my pet peeves - I don't feel there's anything that needs feeling sorry about, just challenges waiting to be approached differently and maybe even solved (if I'm lucky).



My MIL is a born again Christian. (Neither hubby nor I are Christian.) Her religious fervor and her absolute conviction that I'm responsible for "converting" her only child are hard enough to deal with, and she's been living with us almost a year now. It died down a little when I had our daughter - the prospect of a grandchild mellowed her out enough to play nice somewhat. But I only spent three occasions with his family after we got married and before we moved here (about a year ago). It was always something where I could escape or I knew it was a time-limited event that I could deal with until it was over.



I would like to move further away. Actually, hubby and I are planning to move us back to Alaska once we save up the money and take advantage of the low cost of living here to get our finances straight. But I don't know that hubby'll be ready to do that for a few years yet. His whole family is here, and he's repairing some broken bonds from his own somewhat delinquent youth. I try to just be myself, and explain what's going on if necessary. I guess that's about all I CAN do at this point. I've practiced reading body language for years, but none of it seems to apply to his family.

I keep telling myself that line from the movie "The Neverending Story," -
Be confident, Atreyu. Be confident.
(Only I say Becca instead of Atreyu.)

Becca

Gotcha. Well, you could make it a project to go outside the state and find an expert. Don't laugh, people have done it. There are many areas of the country where they don't have autism experts, so people go in search of them. That would have the added benefit of protecting your professional rep.

From the tenor of your first note, though, I would say, GET SOME VALIDATION! The money and time are well worth it. You'll be amazed, I think, at how empowering a dx can be. This stuff:



needs to be reversed, or you're going to be less and less effective for those around you.

First, I would say that he needs to have a talk with his family, and tell them that they need to be respectful of you and keep thier opinions to themselves. Second, I would suggest that you get a formal diagnosis. Good luck.

Hm. I have a strong interest in this area, as you may already know, and I just have to ask: what books did you study to learn body language?

Also, what specifically is different about your husband's family? What makes their body language hard to read, do you think? I'm fascinated...

That's probably the best way to look at it indeed. And "I feel sorry" probably was the wrong expression (but i got an excuse: Eng. isn't my native language ), I only ment to say that I could imagine how you feel and how difficult it can be, because I have been in an alike situation.

Becca - you're in North Carolina - where exactly? Is TEACCH an option for you? (www.teacch.com) it's in the middle of the state (Chapel Hill) and from what I've heard, a good place. But I have no direct experience with them myself. I don't know if they do diagnoses, but they might be able to recommend someone to you.

And I know how unnatural and probably impossible it is, but if you can possibly adopt some Southern speech mannerisms, that might help a lot. Many Southerners tend to lump people who speak "Northern" into a category of colder, ruder people. You may be bearing the brunt of a regional prejudice that could be more easily "forgotten" by your in-laws if you could drawl a little bit . And say "y'all" (which IMHO is one of the best words in the English language, convenient, clear, concise, and easy to pronounce ).

But the best possible solution probably is to move away again. Hard, and hardly convenient, but possibly necessary.

Good luck!

True that!

A bunch of my paternal family is from Texas and Mississippi. They distrusted my mother for years--get this--as a "Yankee", because she was from Michigan. She had to kick some butt, and then they ended up respecting her. Tough crew down there, though.

Yes, TEACCH is a good place. They also have a waiting list about 9 months long last time I called there to try and get one of my clients in for an assessment. <sigh> I think I might try for it though. Have to fill out an application for assessment online first, which is handed off to their evaluator who comes in once a week to go through the submitted applications, and then accepted applications are contacted to schedule an appointment to either the program there or to one of their outsourced providers.



I shudder to hear that, though yes, I've know the lumping bit for a long time. The Southern accent makes me wince though. I'm a stickler for proper language, and it barely exists here. It's like fingernails down the blackboard (which, incidentally, doesn't bother me at all). I've started to say "y'all" instead of "you all" but I haven't made much more progress. I can't say the whole "as far as" in front of everything said, but come to think of it, I have managed to start using the "bless her/his heart" at the end of sentences in an effort to gel more.



Well, we plan to. I'm just not sure when. I'm getting the feeling from hubby that he's in no rush to move, though he constantly tells me - as he has since the day we met 9 years ago - that he hates NC and can't wait to leave. I'm also afraid if I mention ASD to him as a cause, he'll start getting real defensive about it. He's a very concrete person, so the fact that I have a few medical issues already that he doesn't have test results for or proof - I have fibromyalgia and IBS in addition to two bad knees from my time in the Army - has made him very skeptical of anything I tell him medically/mentally. He's willing to listen, he's just not 100% convinced. But he does try, and works with me when I tell him what I need. I just don't think this is the time yet. Maybe after a formal dx.

Out of curiosity, what have you heard about TEACCH with respect to testing for adults? I've only had dealing with them on rare occasions, and then only for children. The adult coping mechanisms are such that it's hard to assess well, I've been told. Too many coping skills ingrained as habit.

Just wondering.

Becca

I don't remember the titles offhand. I'll have to see if they're unpacked from the move or not. If they are, I'll send the titles over to you. I have a hunch they're in one of the as-yet unpacked boxes though.



Okay, now THIS one I can answer right away.

What is specifically different about them is that every member of my husband's family here has some sort of mental disorder that affects their perception of the world to a degree that exceeds average/NT range. It also affects some of the body language they portray. One member has undiagnosed schizophrenia, paranoid type (I identified that early and confirmed it with a therapist friend of hers who has said that unofficially for years). Her body language is very harsh, aggressive, and closed. Very suspicious, very cynical, and very much into making sure everyone knows if her "rights have been violated" (or anyone she knows, for that matter). Another is on narcotic pain killers that make him a bit off-kilter much of the time. Another needs therapy but refuses to go becauase "God will heal me."

I have a hard enough time getting what NTs say. Hubby has ADHD, but so do I and I recognize that for the most part. Getting what other folks with conditions I don't have though, that's really REALLY hard. And none of them will admit they have a problem, so none of them will seek treatment or give any real leeway to me - after all, if they're fine and functioning, I certainly should be too.

In addition, the body language differs across geographical regions. Take driving, for example. In New York, putting your blinker on means you're going to change lanes, so you do it and expect others to get out of your way. It's courtesy, that's all. Do that in Minnesota, and you tick people off because putting the blinker on means you WANT to change lanes, and you then wait for someone to make room for you. It's asking permission to act. Around here, I get stares if I sit with my ankle on top of my knee (guy-style) because in the South, ladies don't do that. But in Alaska and Minnesota, even New Jersey - that doesn't even draw a second thought.

So I'm trying to learn a new culture, new body language, deal with the in-laws perception and interpretation issues, and make some sort of continued family/professional life for me.

Hard for me to believe I'll have been here a year next week.

(Good article on body language, btw. )

Becca

I'm 24 years old and was dx'ed this year. When I went in, I told the guy, "Look, I'm gonna be myself here, okay? I'm turning off the coping mechanisms." And I did, and I was my aspie self, and I didn't try to make small talk or anything like that. I just gave him the raw goods.

He said I was 100% aspie. He also said that, from seeing the difference between the coping and non-coping me, that I was the best at figuring out coping mechanisms he'd ever seen in all his time working with aspies/autistics.