Tried one of those Aspie groups long ago, didn't work for me

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So, with nothing to do other than to gaze into cyberspace or sleep, I feel like writing. In this case, about one of my mom's attempts to get me to be more social. Apparently it coencided with me getting checked out into having the disorder and I decided to give the doc's Aspie group a try.

What I ended up being a part of for the short time I was there, was nothing more than a hang out place to me. While there were goals in the group they weren't very interesting. Also for some reason they always gave out candy there (since most aspies in the group were high schoolers and I was pretty much the only 25 year old there). I never took any candy but I guess it made the younger guys happier I suppose . Anyways, long story short I felt that I had to be pretty much on the defensive. Most of the air time went to everyone else and I just felt very much out of place.

Of course what do you expect being the only 25 year old out of a group of 15-17 year olds? No females were there either so it didn't help much in regards to getting insight into female Aspies and all of the guys for the most part were unrelatable or really bugged me. I think it was mainly the maturity difference as well as speech issues (which is not uncommon, I mean even today I hate how I sound and I am not too bad. Least by some people's accounts). So in the end, I kinda started disappearing until finally I returned one night, had a talk with the group leader telling him how I felt about the whole thing. Though he was disappointed he understood how I felt, which was a good thing. Eventually I ended up just dropping out of the group completely. My only regret has to be that despite dropping out my mom still had to pay a fee for it.

So here I am, Jan. 2009. As far as friends go, I only have my buddy Lee to lean on for a good friendship. Things haven't changed for the better in a long time and I have no idea were to go from here. Of course, I foresee only more bitter struggles ahead as usual.

I think the big problem I have with making Aspie friends (Lee has strong indications of being an Aspie as well, though I don't think he knows it) is that we each have strong focuses on whatever interests us. If people around us don't share that same interest it can be difficult to maintain the friendship, let alone attention least it has been for me. Of course if the person's personality is that of a jerk-off then that instantly makes me do an about face as well. So having an expectation of friends coupled with a distrusting nature of new people (as a result of my marine corps boot camp experience) has certainly killed most possibilities for new friendships. Anyway, to wrap this up, Aspie groups I find questionable in their effectiveness. It may work for some people, but it doesn't seem to fit for me.

I completely understand your feelings and can relate. I do find it bizarre on your doctors part to put you in a AS support group atmosphere with teenagers when you are a grown man. Of course you don't relate to them. I mean you are in a completely different life stage with different challenges than a teenager would have. Its a shame there are no others in the group your age or older. I think you need to have a heart to heart with the doc and question them why they would put you in such a group, explain how awkward it was. Perhaps the doc needs to start a solely adult group or maybe another one already exists in town.

I have a similar experience though it wasn't an AS group. I do belong to a ASD group which is very mixed age, mixed spectrum and male and female but its ok, not great, just ok. But I was put into a disabled support group run by VR. Everyone except for one guy and me were over age 50, most were 60 & 70, several retired Vets. Nothing wrong with them, they were nice folks, but I had nothing in common with them. The one guy that was in his 30's was very extroverted and full of energy and I couldn't think of anything to say to him as he was so much my opposite.

when I went to the meet up groups, I didn't believe I looked and acted like they did. I mean I think I was just jealous that they just let it all hang out and didn't keep constant watch over how they held their bodies and adjusted their faces.

Well take it as a positive then that you didn't fit in if they were so lower functioning. I don't mean it in a bad way against them. Its just if you are that aware of your body and expression then you will have a easier time in life with fitting in at work and with friends. The ones that have absolutely no realization of their behavior don't get very far, probably most never live on their own. Self realization is a good thing.

PS: I love your avatar.

Sounds like quite a bother Ticker. It just seems to me that not alot of thought goes into these groups. Its like they just want to throw us in altogether regardless of age and expect us to get along great and what not. To me its almost like taking a bunch of cats that don't know each other and throwing them in a room together and expecting them to behave.

I've pretty much taken to life as a hermit at this point. Hiding in my sanctuary away from condescending eyes, my only friend and I hanging out online. My only other friend is my cat Cora, and she may be a great companion but she can't fulfill every need.

If it's any consolation to you, in Australia, we don't have the population numbers to actually get a 'meet up' going generally, I've only ever seen one in my own state (met her online), we did meet, but I don't think we have a lot in common.

I had a busy social life in my twenties though, I thought I was just unusual then, went to art school and so theres a social life there. Also in my thirties I had a social life thru work (I finally got full time work in my thirties), so I don't know that I would expect to meet like minded aspies here because of the smaller population and the size of the continent. Generally I found a social life through other avenues than that.

I can relate to that. I was put into a social transitions class throughout high school which had other students with aspergers or autism. The classes never helped me at all. The first year, the class only had four people with two people who were really bizarre. Other than the autistic kid who was really nice and surprisingly very mature, I didn't care for the two others. The following 3 years, the classes had 6-7 people so they never were big. I certainly felt like an outcast being in that class but it was also a very easy class that was worth 5 credits a year so what the heck. I did become friends with a few of the students (the ones who weren't bizarre). Once I graduated high school though, we didn't keep in touch and I have not seen any of them since. I have a very hard time holding on to friends, I will admit that.

The whole nature of ASD support groups is weird. Like you said about cats, well with ASD groups you throw people together who have little or no social skills by the very nature of ASD and expect them to all get along and socialize. The NT's always want the adult Aspies to run the group because after all they are adults right? But since Aspies never totally outgrow their inability to organize, take action and speak up in front of others the groups always fall apart because you need an organized NT to keep the group going. Plus you can't expect people to necessarily enjoy each others company just because they have the same developmental disorder. Its like expecting all people with diabetes to enjoy being around each other.

With the AS social group in my province, it's kind of the opposite.

There is an AS man who helps to run the group, but there are two NT women who insist on being in control. As a result, only those who are "dragged" there by their parents attend. The AS people with more autonomy want nothing to do with the province's Asperger's organization (unless they are one of the lucky couple to be appointed to token roles) because of the often overbearing NT mothers. One of the board members even admitted to me that a person with Asperger's who attends of their own free will is very rare. At these support and social groups (which are SUPPOSED to be for AS adults), it's usually only a couple of people with AS and a bunch of parents (some of whom's kids aren't even there).

Personally, I would be ECSTATIC if there was less NT involvement in the meet-ups for adults with AS. It's really chasing away all of the people who might actually want to talk to others with AS.

It looks like you have the opposite extreme going on in your group. Ok I can see how having overly involved NTs could be detrimental. Perhaps the solution is just one NT to facilitate the group. I've been to the AS led groups and those die a short death because no one will organize and either everyone won't talk or one person talks for the whole 2 hours. Again it comes down to the bad parts about Aspergers that is the downfall to these groups surviving.

After reading everything here it sounds to me that getting a decent group is a tricky balance. Obviously too much NT involvement can become a problem and not enough can lead to leadership issues and things not getting done. Thats not to say that we always need an NT to be involved, the reason is because they are usually more balanced and they can usually keep things organized as well as ordered in terms of keeping one person from talking too long and making sure everyone gets a say in the conversation.

That's kind of the strange thing, because the two NT women are in control of the social group, and that barely has any attendents. It's pretty unstructured, a couple of aspies have a conversation, some parents have a conversation, and one or two aspies stare at the wall.

The support group is more well attended, and it's run entirely by the man with AS that I mentioned earlier. Although sometimes, an NT comes to learn more about AS.

The problem with many AS groups is that the parents want their adult kids to go there, so you often get people there who don't care too much. Ask people who don't care, and they won't want to organize it. I don't think it has much to do with AS people not being able to organize. But if you find a person with AS who actually DOES care about maintaining the group, they'll do it (unless they already have several activities going on, which I do. That, and I don't much care for my provincial Asperger organization anyways).

Therein one of the problems of Aspergers rears its head again. If its not part of our focus or interests we don't care too much about it.

I think there definently needs to be common ground in the group, especially in interests. Thats how I met Lee really, though it was through somebody else who arranged the meeting online we played and conquered our foes online through gaming and from there we grew into a good friendship between us. Voice comming online is basically like having a phone conversation, especially when we aren't playing anything and I find it helpful when it comes to timing in giving people openings to talk and what not. Sure you don't have the facial cues but you start getting a habit of getting a thought out and then letting someone else give their thoughts on whatever it is you are talking about etc.

Hmmmm, that brings a question to my mind. If you guys wanted a group started how would you want it organized? What would be an ideal setting for you in terms of a group?

For me, well I would rather meet minds first, then go in person as we get to know each other(sounds very much like online dating but its not what I intended). Thats kinda my system at the moment.

You know just getting the group started is a major obstacle. We always had a problem with Aspies wouldn't check their email so it was hard to notify people of meeting times. Phone#s aren't as good because many focus that visited the ASD group lived in another nearby small town so its not fair for organizers to have to pay long distance to call them. So email seems the obvious choice right? Yet people wouldn't check their email or if you emailed the group a question nobody responded back.

Someone mentioned parents dragging adult children to the meetings. We have had problems with parents but in a different way. We have mommies who can't cut the umbilical cord to their 30 Aspie sons and allow them to attend on their own. The mommies are embarrassing because I've seen them not let the son speak, hold his hand. One mommy speaks to other adult Aspies in thr group, I'm talking people 40-55 yr old Aspies, as if they were 5. Just we get treated like she treats her son. (I felt so sorry for him). The same mom even referred to us all as "her" or "hims" as if we were nonhumans and had no name. Also if its an Adult Aspergers group the parents have absolutely no business attending the meetings and changing the dynamics of the group. Personally I don't give a rat's behind what someone's mommy thinks about such and such. Now the parents attending the general ASD meeting is another thing and if they are mental enough to still chase after their adult children that's fine but you can't stop them because the general group has little kids with parents attending too. But the adult AS group should be only adults on the spectrum and possibly spouses or bf/gfs if they have one (which most of us never do anyway).

There's that Grasp.org site that is advertising for people to start new Aspie groups in their town. But you do have to agree to follow Grasp rules, whatever those are, I have no idea.

My psychologist today told me she might help me facilitate a group though she said she was hesitant after hearing about my first failed attempt at helping lead an AS group. Where people either fought, dominated discussion or wouldn't talk.

I've heard of groups having people come in and offer social skills training which to me sounds like a cool thing to do especially if you have a lot of members who won't talk and may have never had any social training, therapy or anything before.

She also told me to contact NAMI for a local support group. Which I did because I found a listing on their site for my town, except it will be a mixed mental illness group which may be good for my PTSD issues. But seriously I don't know if I want to be around people who are seriously disturbed (no disrespect intended). But I think there is a fine line and I do wonder how healthy it is to put people with social issues with other people that are flippin insane and perhaps dangerous.

Wow. That's harsh. At least the "handlers" at my provincial organization aren't THAT patronizing. Then again, the only middle-aged man with "Asperger's" there is actually a MFA-HFA who had his diagnosis 'switched' once he reached the social level of a pre-teen with AS. The rest of the people with AS there are under 30, and it's typically only the people under 25 who have their parents involved in the org.

What's extra iffy is when parents come there, and their kids aren't. It's just really uncomfortable.

But I see a lot of the same mentality, a lot of parents who just can't help but think that they should be there. Had a few awkward conversations with some of them.

Me: "Yes, I did have my own radio show on campus a few years back."
Them: "Oh..."
Me: "Yes, I did work for Canada Revenue Agency over the summer."
Them: "Oh..."
Me: "Well, I don't know if I'll be able to make the next meeting, I usually have a couple of student group meetings per week."
Them: "Oh..."

At least it gets them to speak to me more like an equal. But for some reason, I get the feeling that after that, they think I'm either a faker, or a snob. Or both. Their NT politeness prevents them from saying that, though.

[rant]
But what I saw one day just made me want to bang my head against the wall.

So I walk into the meeting, and there is one of the women who runs the social group (known as "the grandmother"). She greets me, and tells me that her daughter (known as "the mother", the second woman who runs the group) is running late. She says "Her other son, not the AS one, but another one; has gotten into trouble". So I'm thinking to myself "Okay. Disobeying his mother? Arrested?" When this woman says "You see, he has Spina Bifida, and he's having a medical emergency. She's rushing him to the hospital, but then she's coming right over."

Now, let me get this straight. This woman is going to take care of his immediate medical needs, and then come to a social group...for a disorder that her OTHER son has...and this other son ISN'T EVEN THERE. He lives on his own, and would rather take care of his new cat then come to the meeting.

I'm sorry, but something like that is when the line of "Maybe they have nothing better to worry about" and "This person has issues" has officially been crossed. [/rant]