The pitfalls of "polite small-talk"

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So, this happened last year. I just remembered it today.

Every year, my school has a peanut butter and jelly sandwich drive for Boys and Girls club. A bunch of people get together, and make sandwiches for at-risk youth. I was volunteering all day.

So towards the end of the day, a young woman with Down's Syndrome comes up to the table, and asks what we're doing. We explain, and she asks if she can help out. So, she puts on some gloves, and starts making sandwiches with us. So, the older lady there engages her in some small-talk.

After about 5 minutes, the young woman says "This is so fun!", and the older lady asked her another question:

"So, do you go to school here?"

As soon as the older lady asked that question, the young woman says "No, no. Just visiting" in a nervous voice. She finishes up the sandwich she made, and says "I have to go now. But thanks for letting me help".

Keep in mind, this is a University campus.

Now, this young woman might have been intellectually disabled, but she's not a complete moron. People with Down's Syndrome understand that a University education is unattainable by the vast majority of them. For this older lady to ask her if she went there is really just rubbing it in her face. Even with my impaired ability to read people, I could tell that this young woman was obviously uncomfortable with the older lady's question.

Was this woman wrong to say that?

Sounded more like a curious question to me. I mean you don't see DS people attend so to see one there working just makes you curious. I don't understand why she be uncomfortable with the question. Did she feel the woman thought she was smarter than she really is and denying her condition? I mean it's obvious someone has DS and we know their IQ is below average because MR is part of DS. It's impossible to have DS and not have MR.

Small talk only. I think she was just trying to strike up a conversation, and the girl couldn't handle the sudden attention. It happens.

"Do you go to school here?"

"Do you live nearby?"

"Have you ever shopped at 'The Razz'?"

"Do you like sushi?"

"Will the team make it to the playoffs?"

... you know ... small talk!

It could have been an honest mistake. I mean, I know that I have specific questions I ask people for small talk purposes in certain situations. I could easily see myself using "so, are you a student here?" in an environment where there are a lot of students. I also have no difficulty seeing myself saying that sort of thing to someone when the answer is quite obvious and the question is probably a little offensive. I do it all the time, actually. I'm not so good at juggling my mental script and observing reality at the same time.

I did still vote that it was kind of rude, though, since even though I'm terrible at it I still think we all ought to at least try to think about who our audience is when we say things.

I think she was wrong to say that. Maybe it was just 'small talk' I don't get small talk I seriously don't.

I think she was just being polite.

Typical thing for an NT to do, speak on impulse and habit instead of actually thinking about what they are saying or why they are saying it.

I never gave it much thought, but if I was on a university campus and I saw a DS person helping out with a fund-raiser, I'd probably think they were a student. Does having Downs Syndrome mean that you can't go to university at all? Even with some kind of disability accomodations? I don't know. But asking if she's a student at least gives the impression that you aren't automatically assuming that she can't be one.

Accomodations are only given for non-IQ related disabilities. They don't "dumb down" course material, and you need a sufficient high school GPA to qualify. In addition, all the courses that you take must be Regular Ed. Any "modified" courses, and you would need to re-take them before you qualify for any post-secondary. In addition to THAT, five courses you took in Grade 12 must be designated as "University entrance".

While there do exist people with DS who aren't in the ret*d range, all of them are just put into Special Ed anyways. So even if a person with DS could have otherwise qualified for University, if all of their coursework was dumbed down for them during K-12, they wouldn't be eligible for any post-secondary institution.

In Canada, special ed diploma's are essentially "pity diplomas", not really worth the paper they're printed on.