What do people talk about?

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When I'm around people, friends at parties, pubs etc. and they're talking I never have any input. I blank out and stare off into space and they forget I'm there. What would I be able to research or practice to be included in normal non-serious conversations?

here's mine impression of an example.

"oh hi beep how was you beep day. I'm beep fine beep beep"

I don't know. Usually at gatherings I have trouble even hearing what people are talking about. People are packed in so tight that I can't even pick up anything without first pushing my way into a specific group - then once I'm in I often realize I have nothing to contribute. I wish I could more easily guage whether a conversation is of interest to me before attempting to join. I always waste a lot of time drifting around the room until I eventually get fed up and leave.

i think you need to pretend to be interested in whatever they're talking about. I don't do too well with people, but if I at least try to juggle the behaviors I think people expect from me, then they usually maintain conversations with me without tuning me out.

My brain hurts just thinking about all the things you have to keep in mind just to limp along with everyone else. Uh, but what you could do on your own is gather intelligence about things people are likely to be talking about. The joy of knowledge alone might help make you interested in it.

I just try really hard to listen to what the person is saying, feel grateful that someone is talking to me, and then ask him/her questions about it. As aspies, it might help to think of it as knowledge gathering. Some guy at a party was an independent contractor, and many less skilled ones are losing their jobs. Some girl works at a pet shop and doesn't let that get her down even though she's in her mid-twenties. I'm usually surprised by how well I'm received by people-- if they're not just lying to me or mocking me, something I'm unfortunately hyper-alert about.

I once told some woman "you have a nice face." My buddy laughed like a hyena at that. I mean, we were already talking. I don't get most people's senses of humor, either, so I fake a smile.

I think Nostromos has some excellent points and it took me a long time to learn to pretend to be interested. In fact, it seems like most people pretend to be interested anyway.

Once, when I told my best friend that I could never be a waitress because I'd have to be able to start conversations and ask questions that I could genuinely care less about, her advice to me was something like: "You just have to pretend to be interested." That was one of the best pieces of advice I got from any of my friends, and even as I practice it, I can hold conversations with a person long enough so we're not staring awkwardly into space (something people generally try to avoid, apparently).

I work in a restaurant. I'm now old enough to be a waitress... but I don't want to be one. All the time, I hear servers bring up topics that I couldn't think of; ask questions I would not want to know; compliment and comment and even share their own experiences with the guests at the table.

One example that I probably won't forget for a while is one case where a couple was on vacation somewhere. I forget where, but I think it might have been New York. They were asked, "Where in _________ did you visit?" I would never in my life think to ask "where in _________?" because I already have the where. I guess this taught me to talk about details.

This is what I went through the whole time that I didn't know how to make small talk. This is still often how I think of it; it makes it easier on me to pretend that I'm interested.

My best advice is to pretend you're interested, ask related questions, and focus on the other person. Of course, it's fine to bring up your own interests when the chance arrives, but ... I don't know. You just have to pretend. That's actually my job; it has taught me well about how to deal with people and small talk, and I am so happy for that. I pretend to be interested in people's lives all the time... it's uncomfortable sometimes, but I'm practicing.

Also, act nice.

People tell stories, talk about their lifes, and gossip

People talk about:

- stuff they buy/own (especially electronics & cars)
- sports
- their kids (mostly, their kids' activities - or illnesses)
- their spouses
- women/men (in general - how they drive each other crazy)
- their work (what they hate about it)
- their pets (mostly veterinary trips)
- the weather (mostly disasters/damage)
- celebrities (when the celebrities do something stupid)
- TV shows (especially reality shows)
- movies (especially big budget spectaculars)
- home repair/remodeling (either do-it-yourself, or trouble with contractors)

(these are the things that spring immediately to mind.)

It wouldn't hurt to learn something about some of these topics - you don't need more than one or two sentences, because if you listen to the way NTs chit-chat, they tend to switch topics frequently. It's probably best to keep your comments noncommittal, because you don't want to get in the middle of an argument.

And I agree that you only need to pretend to be interested - but stick to things you're sure about, because they will catch you out if you try to bluff.

If you replace "pretend to be interested" with "actually are interested most of the time" that's pretty much how I ended up becoming well liked by most people I meet.

This is what I want to see:
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpjYGjSeLoE[/youtube]

TheKingsRaven wrote:

How did you come to be genuinely interested in what most people have to talk about?

oops

Last edited by Nostromos on 28 Mar 2009, 12:55 am, edited 2 times in total.

Good question. I don't even like to pretend to be interested because that bores the hell out of me and requires too much precious energy to maintain that persona. I think next time I'm at some kind of social event, I'll bring my PSP. That way, when people see me playing, they'll come to ME to ask me what I'm doing. If not, at least I'll have fun playing God of War or something.

I agree. Talking to most people is tiring and unfulfilling. I have to find intelligent people who have at least one thing in common with me.

Sorry to disappoint everyone but I don't have a guide on how to find people interesting, it just sort of happened to me. I suppose you could try starting with slice of life fiction.

Try to latch onto common interests. That's how neurotypicals hold conversations, by fishing for shared threads. Ask them about things you like, and see if they respond well. If they do, keep going. If they don't, don't worry about it because there really just isn't any reason to talk to them. You'd seem awkward and insecure if you kept trying to force a conversation when the two of you don't have anything in common.

From my experience people talk about:

-celebrities (Births or things they did wrong)
-new movies (genres to talk about depend on gender mostly in my experience: men like action and scifi, women tend to like romantics and comedies)
-current tv series (again the same gender-genre rule tends to apply in most cases)
-people they know, but secretly don't like (the infamous gossip)
-stuff that happened to them lately (they will do the talking, just say "uhu", "wow", or "jeez" when they stare or make a longer pause)
-their hobbies.

I can only talk about hobbies I also share, movies I like myself and tv series I watch.

But then still it is really hard to talk and keep the conversation going. I am especially averse to conflict and discussions.
If there is more than one person talking to me or two people are talking then it's just impossible to keep up and I mentally shut down.