Getting honest feedback from people in life, work, etc.

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Hi,

I am finding it quite hard to really know what people are thinking about me. Does this nod and smile mean "I like you and really agree with what you say" or does it mean "what a figgin' moron, make me laugh some more" ?

This lack of understanding of people's behavior is often very confusing, be it at work, in conversations with people that I meet for the first time, or even with longer term friends.

Do any of you have the same difficulties in getting honest feedback from people (knowing very well that you would probably not be upset, even by negative feedback, as long as it is supported by evidence) ? If so, do you ever manage to really find out, and how ?

Thanks for your help !

My experience is that it is really hard to get honest feedbak. They will always say "it's alrigth, i like it, etc". You better try to talk to people who don't like you, at least they won't mind if they offend you or make you feel bad.

I remember i used to get really mad at my mother when i asked her how i looked and she said it was perfect, even if i looked like a clown.

I have read that these kinds of honest answers are more usual in autistic people, and that's one of the reasons why people think we are rude, even though we think we have done the right thing.

I struggle understanding people's feedback as well. When you are working at a place, you need to realize that sometimes when people are nice to you, it's just them being polite to you and maybe they don't really like you as a friend. That's the one thing I struggled with for a while. When people were really nice to me at my job, I thought maybe they liked me as a friend but instead they are just "nice to everyone". It's hard telling the difference between someone liking you as a person and just being nice to you to be polite. That's why most times I don't even bother pursuing friendships at places like work because I don't want to make a fool of myself. They never asked me to be friends with them, so I got nothing to work with.

This is my experience too. I can be quite blunt. And I can't stand it when NTs lie and make excuses instead of just telling it like it is.

People do not enjoy being around me. Period.

There are the rare few who will be brutally honest with you. However it's more important that you pinpoint your weak points for yourself - being brutally honest with yourself is even harder.

It's definitely one of those times where friends who also have Asperger's Syndrome are better than their NT counterparts. They tell it like it is. Which is good (most of the time).

I've managed to get some honest feedback. Some of it came after the other parties learnt of my AS and they'd kept their true opinions to themselves until then. Before then, I'd had no idea what they thought. I'll list what I can recall:

* People have always been blatant about how quiet I am (since pre-school)
* One said my body-language is closed (e.g., folded arms, looking away/down) and that puts people off
* One therapist said my body-language looks like being in a straight-jacket and I present a cardboard persona that comes off as "dead."
* One said others want to know me but are put off because I look like I might kill someone
* A colleague once said I'd come across as rude by not conversing with a visiting former astronaut who was giving a presentation
* One counsellor said my body space is too confined and that I keep my limbs and belongings too close to the body and it comes off as unconfident
* One workplace gave me feedback just before my contract ended. They said I didn't smile, didn't take the initiative, looked like I didn't want to be there, and they inferred all kinds of untrue things from my body-language.
* For my main research presentation, people were given anonymous feedback forms. Nearly all my forms said I was too quiet. One person thought me dull
* After learning of my diagnosis, one person suddenly gave feedback on my "faults" going years back. They listed them and said how odd and rude I'd seemed, how I didn't thank them or greet them properly etc.
* One supervisor at a summer school I taught at used children assistants as her spies. They would report back on my every move. Eventually, she built up a highly inaccurate behavioural picture of me and confronted me with it in an extended and unrelenting rant. She wouldn't listen to my side and accused me of lying, so I walked out and didn't return. Most of the behaviours she'd misinterpreted were due to the times I'd been in overload and come across as ignoring people or being lazy (like when I took a 5 minute break outside to compose myself).

The most trouble I have is obtaining feedback in the workplace. They don't give it until they are extremely displeased and then form automatic conclusions based on poor logic and evidence. Some act friendly enough, but say things behind your back. One woman was so blatant about this that I obtained a clear idea of where I stood with her from others' reports alone.

i am not interested in "feedback". i trust the validity of the steps i decide to take, and i can exist without feedback. "feedback" to me is "interference".
i do not seek peoples appraisals of me, because that only adds to my chore of understanding.

Hi all and thank you very much for this input

The main suggestions so far were:
- ask another AS friend
- ask someone who doesn't like you, ie will not be afraid to hurt you
- ask an NT friend, to whom you clearly explain that you will not be hurt because of your condition
- try to identify your weaknesses yourself. Tough call but probably a mandatory starting point...

Have you come across any way to get anonymous feedback, like the 360 feedback reviews that abound in large companies (where your boss, peers, subordinates and customers anonymously comment on your strengthes and weaknesses: you only see the aggregate result so cannot pinpoint who said what). They seem to foster a higher level of honesty, because of the anonymity.

Thanks !