Popularity

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For the first time in my life, I'm starting to think AS people aren't meant to be popular.

Now I don't mean I thought we were all *supposed* to be popular, but I thought we were equally viable as everyone else.

Pretty much, I'm started to realize that I might be popular in college. It's taken different people telling me this outright for me to start to believe it. And logic tells me this is so, even if it seems totally ridiculous. I'm not going to list reasons or anything. It makes no sense to me that so many people could like me or want to hang out with me, and I totally don't get it, but it's staring me in the face and I would be stupid to deny it.

But this popularity, which I never wanted or asked for, is causing a new pressure in my life. I think popularity could literally send me insane.

Just imagine; if you never ever went up to anyone yourself and asked them to do something, or never purposefully went yourself to socialize, pretty much did nothing at all and found every spare second of your life filled up with socializing. It would be an NT's dream come true; zero effort, maximum gain... but an Aspie's nightmare.

I've always wanted friends, but I've never wanted this. I feel like there's not enough of me to go around, and I'm being pulled at from all directions. I often have up to three different social commitments I have been begged to go to on a single night. I don't know what happened, or how I ended up in this position. I have AS, I'm not supposed to be popular! I can't seem to get any time to myself at all without letting other people down. I can no longer choose who to socialize with and when to socialize, because I always get asked, and the people I end up spending time with are the people who are the first to pounce me (thus my more introverted/shy friends miss out).

I care about and cherish all the friends I have. I don't want to drop any of my friends, or hurt anyone, because they are all good people and I care about them too much. I just don't think that I can go on living this existence. The pressure is insane - and I'm forced into social politics just trying to keep from hurting people's feelings, and not neglecting anyone. This is the one thing I thought for sure that would never happen to me.

If there's any AS people out there who wish for popularity, my warning is; be careful what you wish for, because it might come true.

Perhaps its time for you to organize a gathering, or encourage someone you know to help and provide that for you.

That way you can find time for everyone and hang out with everyone at once.

Otherwise problems persist.

Who cares about you? Literally. They're prolly just making you think your all that. But trust me you aint

I'd love to do that, but they're all very diverse groups of people, so it wouldn't really work. I also struggle with organization. It would be a good solution. The worst thing is that I don't want to drop any of my friends or let any of them down; they've been good friends to me, and are good people and I care about them. But I feel like I'm letting people down anyway because there's just too many social commitments for me to keep.

aspieguy101: I don't think I'm "all that". I'm not saying that I'm some sort of important person or anything (the very thought is pretty laughable actually) , I'm just saying that I have a lot of friends. In a factual sense. Somehow. Which, according to definition, I think would mean "popular"? Maybe I'm being too literal. (and I don't mean "acquaintances", I'm referring to actual "friends" - which are people who want to spend time with you and you're there for each other)

Anyway, I know the difference between real friends and fake friends. I've had both, and none, all at different stages of my life.

I feel your pain. I thought I wanted to be popular when I was in middle school, and when I switched schools I went out of my way to become popular. I learned a lot, especially that popularity was too much of a hassle once I had it. In high school and beyond I slowly became a popular figure again (this time for amusing antics and my simple, honest outlooks), but at least it was an accident and I kept myself out of politics to stay healthy and sane.

It's good to know somebody understands. It's something that I can't talk about to people, because then I sound conceited or something, but it's tearing me up inside - I wasn't meant to live like this, I feel like I'm being forced to choose people and hurt people's feelings, and the stress is causing meltdowns and me to lash out on and off for no reason. The worst part was that I didn't want to end up in this position, all I wanted was to be good to people and a positive influence in people's lives, and make friends, and I guess I didn't look far enough ahead to consider the implications of succeeding.

If you can't have a good answer, have an honest one. You've got the right mind set, wanting to be good to be people. Just keep doing that. If someone has a problem with that, the least you can do is lend an ear and if they desire it, explain yourself.

You're popular because you're you. Don't think of it like a burden, take it as a compliment and do what you were always going to do.

I Apologize for what I said earlier. I also kinda..know how you feel as I was in the same position you were in back in High School. Near everyone seemed to know me and like me there after I was bullied quite bad in Middle School. But anyway, also thanks for essentially killing me with kind words cause I really needed that. I was obviously in a bad mood earlier anyway.

Nah that's alright, I was in the wrong too, I was too quick to accuse - didn't show enough empathy. The haven is for people to let out their feelings in a more patient understanding fashion.

I was badly bullied for most of my school years - from kindergarten till around middle high school. Towards the very end of high school I had a few real friends for the first time in my life, but was still near the bottom of the social ladder.

This is the first time in my life this has happened to me, and I really don't know how to deal with it - my work is suffering, I'm not getting enough sleep, my brain is overheating. I'm so grateful towards people for actually genuinely liking me that I never ever want to hurt them, and I literally can't say no to people because I have a lifetime's conditioning of taking every and any social opportunity I can get - my parents would encourage me to skip my brother's birthday just so I could go to another kids party (when I was actually invited because they invited the entire class). I would be lucky to get one invite in a year to anything, and often kids would invite the entire class except me - that was the norm.

So to turn down any social invitation is so against the grain I struggle to do it. And I find nothing more upsetting than bailing on other people, because I know what it feels like when nobody wants to hang out with you. But it's come to the point where I have to do this or I literally might have a breakdown (I've even had suicidal thoughts because of the constant mental pressure blocking out rationality).

So I don't know how to deal with this situation and not be a bad person, and I can't talk about it to anyone because either a. "What's the problem, you're just being ungrateful?" b. people think *God she's up herself, and am I just a number to her?* = feelings of betrayal and let down (and even in the last few months, when I've opened up - I am too open about my thoughts and feelings, I'm not good at keeping things inside, I've let people down who I really care about), c. "Just drop some friends or tell people to piss off. Problem solved."

I can't do that - how can I hurt people like I've been hurt when I know what it feels like? That makes me a monster, because most bullies bully in ignorance of how it feels to be the victim.

Remember that it's okay to tell people you're just not up to it. Neurotypicals get worn out when they have too much on their plate too. They won't be offended if you turn them down well. Here's my proven turn-down phrase-

"I really need a breather right now, you mind if we hang out later instead?"

See, this is perfect because you get your space now without insulting anyone or making them feel left out. You've asked to see them later, showing that you truly do mean what you say.

Start by picking a day that's your's and only your's. Decide that on that day, you'll take a break from everything and have a little vacation. Pick back up on a hobby you love, start a new one, do a little meditation and introspection, whatever you desire. Don't think of it as selfish, think of it as recharging your batteries so that you can be the best you can be for everyone else!

Don't let anyone try to butt into your personal day except under emergency. Ask your friends to reschedule any events occurring around then. If they can't, don't worry about it- you tried. And afterward, talk to some of them about how you're starting to feel burnt out. Maybe they'll help you find more space. It couldn't hurt, right?

Just be yourself, and take a little control over your life. It's alright to tell your friends that you don't want to hang out for the day, and that you need a break. They'll understand.

I've been quite popular for quite a while now and I never found that it's that tough to maintain. However except for a small minority of my friends I rarely see my friends outside school / university, that might be the reason.

I did it! I've stuck a sign on my door saying "Do not disturb" and an explanation underneath. Now I've just got to wait and see if people follow instructions. Thanks everyone for the comments, this will be my last post.

Have fun!

being popular is all about copying someone else, ideas, clothing, hair. whatever, frankly i wanted to be popular but now i dont. too much of a hassle

I'm out of college now and back at home (for at least a few weeks) after a massive breakdown from over-stimulation. Serves me right for trying to be an NT and keep more friends than I was able to.