Eye contact

Post Reply New Topic

Hi all, I'm new here and thought I'd make my first post about one of the most frustrating issues I have.

Looking people in the eye while talking to them or listening requires a lot of concentration, almost so much that it takes my mind off the actual conversation. Having a conversation 1 on 1 is hard enough without having to worry whether or not the other person thinks I'm not interested, bored, or whatever. I think the problem comes from the fact that when I look people in the eye, I feel like I'm staring at the person. Since I hate being stared at, I must be just trying to return the favor by not staring at anyone else. If I can talk to someone while working on a computer, or looking at some piece of paper we're discussing, it is much easier. But if you're stuck in a situation with nothing to do but look at the other person (worst case: job interview!) it's rough. I find my eyes darting to the wall behind them, the table, etc. When listening, it's easier to make eye contact, but when I have to talk back, I find it harder to look at them. Probably a combination of the increased level of concentration required while talking, and the low self-esteem.

Another awkward situation that happens frequently at work is walking down a long hallway, when someone you know is coming from the other end. What are you supposed to do? You can't say hi until you are close, but you can't just stare at them for 30 seconds while walking towards each other. No matter what I do, I always look at the floor, or the wall. I can manage a quick glance and a "hey" as we pass, but that's it.

I know this is a common Aspie trait, so I'd be intersted to hear how others cope with this problem.

Hi solstice, welcome to WrongPlanet!

I don't really do eye contact. I tell people 'I can either concentrate on trying to look at you, or try to listen to what you are saying, ok?' if someone is being funny about it. eye contact is too distracting, and I dont process speech well in any case...

Job interviews are terrible though, I get that. The main fear is that the interviewer will think you are rude or not interested.

Dunc

I generally don't like to admit to anyone (other than a few close friends) that I have a problem with it. I think yours is a good solution if you can do it: just get it out there and let them know why you are acting a certain way. You're a braver man than I.

This is a problem I haven't really figured out yet. Fortunately, most people my age don't seem to care much if I don't make eye contact as long as I keep the converstation going, but it's always gotten me in trouble with adults.

The best solution I've found is just to assure that you're listening by nodding or giving some other kind of signal.

Welcome Solstice! You are going to love it here! I too have a real problem with eye contact. I look everywhere but at the person I'm having a conversation with. I never realized how much I looked "past" everyone until I was talking with someone and they kept turning around. Finally asking me what I was looking at! It was very embarassing to say the least. I just can't do eye contact......it's too intimidating to me.

I deal with the problem thusly: If someone is speaking to me, asking my opinion, I will try as hard as I can not to look away while they are speaking. The second they are done I will look away, up and down, stroke my beard, scratch my head, squint a bit, etc, while pondering my response. I will continue looking away in a thoughtful manner and speak most of my response to the question, then reinitiate eye contact just as I am finishing my answer. This seems to work quite well, it limits the amount of eye contact, and most people won’t see this behavior as you avoiding their gaze. Of course, I often have a problem understanding and remembering everything told to me when I have to concentrate on the eye contact!

Many years ago, I was prescribed medication that eliminated the uncomfortable feeling during eye contact. I had to stop the taking the medication due to side effects and the discomfort returned. Since customer service was one of my duties at my job of the time, I then had to make a conscious effort to make eye contact with people. Eventually I increased my tolerance for eye contact by force of will. It can still be uncomfortable, but the problem is less severe than it once was.

Yes, the job interview is the worst! When one is in a position to be judged, these types of problems are exacerbated. The interview is one time where I still have real difficulty with eye contact.

I do the same thing as you when approaching a person from a distance. I never know when it is polite to look at them, so I look away, or pretend to be preoccupied with something. When the person gets close, I will turn and smile and say hello if appropriate. This is where personal electronics come in handy. I have a neighbor who avoids looking at anyone. He did this for a few years, and then suddenly every time he was out walking he was “talking” on his cell phone.

I do not feel overwhelmed by making eye contact, but I do find it very tiring.

I did not even know I was supposed to look at someone while they spoke to me until Jr. High, when one of my friends became very irritated with me because she thought I wasn't paying attention. I told her then that it is much easier for me to concentrate on what she is saying if I do not look at her, because if I'm looking at her, that means I'm concentrating on her face and not her words. Even after that, it took me some time to realize that I should look at people for their body language, and not just so that they knew I was paying attention to them.

I have worked on it since then, and I often find myself staring at people's mouths as they talk, since it is the part of the face that moves the most. I think I have improved with eye contact, though, but sometimes I think I give the impression that I am staring too much, especially at teachers. One of my teachers took my staring to mean that I had something to say, when really I just wanted him to know I was paying attention, so I had to remember just to keep my head down in the class! After prolonged watching of someone as they speak, I get very tired, and tend to just turn my head away or down and attempt to look like I am listening. I doubt this gives the best impression, but it's better than me becoming completely overwhelmed or zoning out.

As for people approaching me on the street, I have the exact same problem you all do. Do NTs really know better, though? I'm not sure. Perhaps I should ask around. If I see a person from way off, I will do the looking away until they are very close thing, but if they are approaching me from not too far away, I tend to stare, and say hello, sometimes a few times . Other times, I will forget to greet them entirely, until they've gone past, either because I did not recognize them, because I was zoned out, or because my timing was off.

eye contact is proably my biggest problem/issue. i feel that way too, when i am walking down the street/road, and there is a person walking in my direction, first i have to look at them to see if i really know the person, and then i have to figure out if they might want me to greet them/say hello. andi never know where to look, because i cant stare at them in case i dont know them, but i need to stare for a bit, just to figure out if i know them...
that makes me really nervous. and another thing that bothers me is this;
why do we need to sey hello to people we know/are aqquainted with, if the words we are exchanging are only "hello/how are you"?
it just seems so pointless to me, as if we are admitting that we will never be friends/have anything to talk about, but they HAVE to admit that they know me, and if i dont say "hello" they will tell everyone that i am stuck up or something.
thats my biggest problem anyway. and eye contact in general is even worse than just passing someone in the street. i wasnt aware that i didnt make eyecontact either, until someone pointed it out, but i dont know why i always look away, i just feel so naked sometimes.
but the strange thing is that i can look kids in the eye anytime. small kids at least. maybe its because i feel like they wont judge me, weather i make eye contact or not..

I have this problem too.

Most of the time, I just do not make eye contact : I look at what is behind the person I am talking to instead, for instance.

Sometimes, I try to make eye contact, but it makes me feel uncomfortable. Some people told me that sometimes, I stare too much. It happens when I really try to make eye contact - although it makes me uncomfortable - or when I do not understand what the person means (for instance if the person is using facial expressions that are likely to change the meaning and I know s/he does because I do not understand the logic of what s/he says, etc).

I think that looking at something else like the chin or what is behind them is a good way to avoid eye contact.

Concerning walking down a hallway and saying hi, I do not make eye contact for that either, I just raise my hand a little (not higher than my shoulder) and if the person - who knows me - sees it, then it means "hi" for us.

i find that i listen better when i'm not looking at the person..they may not like it, but oh well..tough s**t

It can be hard to focus on what the person says AND what your eyes see and your brain analyze at the same time.

I have problems with eye contact.

I often feel like i'm being rude and don't know how to act if I don't look at the person.

I can give eye contact, but I look away very quickly.

I dunno.. The eyes are the window to the soul, it feels like they're peering into your thoughts and feelings, penitrating your brain.

I guess I'm kinda of scared of peoples eyes, because they are what they use to decide i'm weird or abnormal.

Over the years I've gotten pretty good at eye contract, to the extent that one bloke I revealed my AS to refuses to believe I have it because of it. I still find it utterly unnatural, distracting and a little tiring to do though..... Sadly, its utterly necessary to do it though to get anywhere....

I look at them in the eye for a few seconds to avoid being rude (Someone said no eye contact is rude) and then I dodge and start rolling around flipping back and fourth between things.

I have a major problem with unintentionally staring at people and dodging when they see that I am staring, but thats another subject.

My problem is that I can listen very well and be half okay in a formal or work environment. If I am talking to a co-worker telling them how to do something or working out problems with supervisors I seem to be better. I love job interviews and speeches. However, ordinary small talk is when I lose it. I just lose concentration like what many of you explained. It just kills me if I meet people for the first time. They get wierded out and just start smiling/nodding and backing up very slowly.

I'm great with public speaking since I don't have to concentrate on anything except my speech. I hate meeting people for the first time; it confuses me when strangers just approach me and strike up a random conversation, which insults them.