I say mean things, but everybody responds positively?

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There was this girl I used to know who was a complete [what-have-you] towards me, and she got pregnant at 13. I was talking about her to someone over the internet once, and I said exactly this,
"To hell with it, I hate her! I'm glad her kid looks like a toad on heroin!"
This guy replied,
"Hahaha, sorry, I can hardly breathe because I'm completely laughing my ass off!"
(I tend to say "on [drugs]" a lot...the other day I posted here that I have the creative skills of a "goldfish on sedatives" and just an hour or so ago I said my left-handed writing looked like it was down by a "four-year-old on acid".)
The other day I was out with my mum and we saw this middleaged woman wearing hot pink hooker boots and I whispered,
"Forget mutton dressed as lamb, more like mutton dressed as embreyo...!" and my mum laughed.

Why does everyone respond like I'm a hero whenever I say something bitchy?

Well when your talking about yourself then that's considered fine, obviously your not trying to hurt anyone because your talking about yourself. Self deprivation is a classic component of British humor illustrated best by Red Dwarf's Arnold Rimmer.

When your talking about other people, I'm not sure why that's ok but if no one is telling you to be nice then IMO the responsibility falls on you to keep yourself in line.

You are being creative with your insults. Thus, you are demonstrating wit. Wit is a highly respected thing.

It's that you are phrasing your language in a funny/witty way, but, to my knowledge, it is socially permissible to say not nice stuff about people who have hurt you sometimes (depending on the situation and the other persons knowledge of who you are talking about). The person you were talking to probably understood she was nasty to you at some point or experienced some of the same treatment from her.

About what you said to your Mum, it was witty and I assume about a person you both didn't know, probably in a low voice/whisper. If it was something that was said directly to her (the stranger) or if she was a friend of your mothers, it would be totally different. Does this explain this any bit?

I agree with TheKingsRaven though, with your wit it's up to you to keep yourself in line.
Take care of yourself.

It makes me feel completely backwards.
I mean, I've been told all my life that saying nice things is the way to make friends, but the only friends I've ever made have united with me because I'm a venomous b***h!

I guess I have to watch my tongue...

i try to say nice things & normally succeed, but i get a feeling people don't like me for it.

I don't think that you're venomous, do you talk badly about them behind their backs? Are you mean to them, to their faces? Behind their backs. These comments do no harm and amuse others if it's only strangers or mean people. Try not to worry about it too much.

yay! thanks AJ.

Hahaha, I do the same thing! We are all brought up to be "good people". we're not supposed to say mean things, or even think mean things. When you state the obvious with intelligence and humor, people get a sense of relief and let it all out with a laugh!