I recently moved to southern California this past month. I called my move "The Great Escape Oh Nine" cuz 1) the distance, 2) I was leaving under the risk of being stopped by authorities at the behest of my STUPID relatives and former service providers, & 3) the words "Oh Nine" are a popular way to refer to this year. I moved in with my best friend, her boyfriend, and housemates. I am only comfortable with her and nobody else here. Her boyfriend is upset with me every single day. Last night he started talking about me moving out. I haven't even been here a month. Luckily it's his mom who owns this unit and not him. I have observed mean-spiritedness and anti-disability mindset in most non-Deaf-Blind people born pre-1970.
My best friend has traits that nobody else has. She is the only autistic person other than myself who's a tactile signer. She has given me more hope for the future than anyone else ever could. I can NEVER afford to lose her. I told her last night that the level of attachment will NEVER go down. Nobody has built me up more than she has. And I can't afford to have her tear me down. I get these phrases from Daughtry's first verse of "Over You". Hopefully most readers of this post are familiar with that song or at least willing to become familiar with it.
My best friend paid half the cost of my move. 4 of my Deaf-Blind pen pals paid the other half. I didn't pay a penny. I don't wanna move out. I wanna stay here with my best friend. If her boyfriend really wants me to move out he must have his mom file an eviction suit with the courts. I ain't going nowhere until she does. My best friend wants to help me find information on renters' rights in California. Umm...does that mean eviction is impossible in California? I doubt it. I'm not the owner of this place and I don't wanna be the owner. These units cost about $200,000 and with the way the housing market is, homeowners can never get rid of properties they no longer want.
I am convinced that one of these days he's gonna make her choose between him and me. She will choose him over me and then I've lost my best friend. Naturally I'll want to tell my other friends about it. Then they all start leaving me because they're tired of me being negative, negative, negative all the time. That's when my 2nd big success with the tactile signers has flopped and I won't want to be alive anymore. This is the direct opposite of what I want.
The bridge of the song "I'll Never Get Over You (Getting Over Me)" by Exposé is me to ALL tactile signers, including my best friend:
Oh, no matter what I do
Each night's a life time to live through
I can't go on like this (I need your touch)
[end all playbacks]
The line that says, "I need your touch" is most important. Getting much needed human touch is the top reason I need to have tactile signer friends. Nobody else can fulfill me the way tactile signers can. If I don't have tactile signer friends, I have no friends at all. And due to the way I was forced into a normal mold at the Buckeye Ranch in Grove City, OH back in 2000, I no longer know how to be as happy as I was with no friends at all like I was in the early 1990s. It's a lot like the song "Help!" by the Beatles. They brainwashed me to think that being as self-assured as I was in the early-1990s was unhealthy and I needed not to remain that self-assured. What do I do if someday I need to be that self-assured because I can no longer have friends? I don't know how to undo the effects of the brainwashing and I don't think I can undo them without anyone's help.
26 May 2009, 12:51 pm
