Falling in love

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That's a good question for me it really depends on the other person, of course for me to explain how I feel about 'falling in love' and 'love' would possibly make several people in my past pretty much wondering why they ever dated me. I think for me the part of falling in love is something I felt was expected, not exactly what I fully felt except with a small number of people. I would consider sometimes I felt nervous and wonderful when I did fall in love. I find a lot of factors come into play if I do really feel like I'm falling in love.


I don't know, maybe for some it is part of their being, maybe some inhibit themselves more than others out of nervousness and such or are more introverted than others. I've seen quite a few Aspies on boards and such that are married and have children so for some it must not be that hard or that challenging I guess so to speak for it to happen.

I would like to say I'm completely head over heels in love with my "hubby" (my common-law spouse), but I think I'd be not all that truthful. We've had a lot of rough patches that have made it hard for me to really 'feel' love. I've been with him for almost 5 years now (this coming February). We have two wonderful children and for the first year or so, yes I think I was deeply in love, I know I felt it. After that, and having the children a lot of my focus seemed to shift to them and since we rarely get to be alone or go on 'dates' and such, it's hard to have time to rekindle I guess. Of course, he has some issues he needs to change too, like his attitude over me not being equal because I stay at home with the boys and not working. And that he didn't pick the most perfect housekeeper. I suspect it'll take a long time for him to accept it. With Ron, it was more of a case of a month or so before liking him enough to consider dating and it was a few more months of dating him to really feel like I loved him enough to move out of my parents at 26 and move 3 hours away from my parents to be with him.

I think I would base things first and foremost for myself in a relationship on personality and common interests, they are the main pieces in a relationship that make it considered to be 'healthy'. They are the pieces that bond it seems people together either as friends or more.

Love based on physical attraction alone is doomed to fail. I've been there, tried that and sex alone isn't enough. It takes many factors to have love and relationships work.

I think there is no 'true' ability to fall in love, I'm not sure it's something that can be worked on as much as it is something you feel. While you can work on how you present yourself to others and tailoring your interests to fit those of others and respecting their interests, I think it is mainly just recognizing how you feel, what you feel is acceptable in a person that you would like to fall in love with, what you think in you is likely to be acceptable to the other person and finding a way to accept each others differences.

I rarely fall in love. If I do, it's based on their personality, not looks. Oh, and I am in love; it's both wonderful and nerve-wrecking! I fall in love with a person's mind, not body. So, I'm not very typical.

For much of my life I believed that there was no such thing as love and that people were really deluding themselves about it.

As a teenager I remember having quite heated debates with people as I insisted that 'love simply does not exist'.

Looking back I think I was interpreting it too literally ~ I was looking inside myself for one emotion I could identify as love ~ like feeling happy or sad, I was looking for a feeling called love. (Clearly if you do this you are not going to find it)

Now I am older I have learnt to realise that what people call love is really any combination of emotions from a whole menu of positive feelings you might experience by being with someone.

Put like this you can see how people can experience different types of 'love' eg brotherly love, romantic love etc.

In reality 'love' as one emotion doesn't exist but as a mixture of feelings it does and is probably different for everyone as they will be experiencing a different mixture from that menu of feelings.

Perhaps it is harder for us to say 'I love you' because it is often difficult for many of us to clearly identify feelings as they happen, so identifying a whole mix of feelings and putting a name to them is extremely hard. It is for me anyway.

I so agree with you Asparval. I have always found it hard to say "I love you" because for me it had to be a concrete thing, an obvious thing, an obvious feeling. But it's not, it's always much more than that and takes time to understand it and express it.

I never had a gf before. Well I have crushes on girls like the one at work and kathleen England. Im too nervous to ask them out though.

I know its nervewracking, but speaking to the girl at work is worth a shot isn't it? I think the approach we discussed is definitely worth trying, and that was a really nice thing to say to someone, even if she isn't interested I'm sure she'd be flattered.

Dunc

Which one are you talking about? KAthleen, or the one at work? Also Im more nervous around people my own age (I'm 21) like when I talk to someone whos older then me Im not as nervous. KE is older then me so I would not be as nervous.

The girl at work. We're not talking about KE here remember.

Just give it a go and see how you get on - I'm sure you'll feel better for screwing up your courage and just talking to her instead of fretting about it.

dunc

whats the difference between love and infatuation?

I think infatuation is you physically love them? And love is when you like them not their body?

No...here's my new revised view on love:
It's what turns a perfectly sensible person into a mushy idiot. It makes you happy then hurts you like hell, making the pain twice as bad. It's what makes you care about how others persieve you. It's what makes you feel like dying when it's rejected. Love is idiotic and a waste of time. I wish I could be a robot and delete it from my programming.

i have been in love once (at least i think it was love). it started as a physical attraction, i guess you could call it an infatuation. but after i got to know the girl it just felt different, a lot stronger than any attraction i've ever felt before. it felt kind of like a tidal wave of emotions pouring over me. and the attraction wasn't to her body alone. it was everything about her.

i think the day i realized i was in love with her was when she cried in front of me. i hadn't cried since i was a small child, but i actually cried because it made me so sad to see her so suffering. it was like i was feeling her feelings.

pretty soon i was dreaming about her. it made my day whenever i got to see her or talk to her. it was hell waiting for the next time i would get to interact with her. i would have done anything for her. it was kind of like as good as it gets. she made me want to be a better man. she motivated me to do things that i never thought i could do.

sadly, the relationship didn't work out but i'm still grateful for the time we spent together and the feelings she made me feel.

i don't think aspies have a harder time falling in love. i think everyone is capable. we just have to find the right person to activate those feelings.

I have never been in a relationship. I've never even dated.

The feeling of "love" is elusive, to me. Perhaps it's because of what Asparval described. I have a great difficulty feeling and identifying my emotions. Most of the time I feel nothing at all.

As I mentioned in the thread about being infatuated with people online, there is a guy who seems to like me (maybe love, I don't know) on another forum I frequent. I want him to love me, but I'm not sure if that want is actually love, or if it is just a feeling of need or dependence. I would like to meet him, but he lives on the opposite side of the continent from me, so I don't know if it will ever happen.

Whenever I become "interested" in a person it is because I have intellectually determined that I should be. I rationalize that this person shares my interests, has a compatible personality, and is acceptably attractive to be a possible boyfriend. But since I don't actually feel anything, it has never gone anywhere. I feel like the people I have caused myself to be interested in were just possible friends. I feel like there is a lot of pressure from society for people to date, have relationships, get married, and have kids. I don't know if this is something I will ever do.

It sounds like you are going through a rough time, Cattfienated.

I feel like I am your opposite in this regard- I am a robot who wants to add love to my programming.

Yes, I'm sick of having my feelings played with. If I could, I would punch the jerk. (I would say stupid jerk, but he's not stupid) I feel bad and don't like it.