Could my 3-year-old neice have Asperger's?

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Hi, I am pretty sure that my neice must have some sort of a development disorder or something. There are some things that I've read about it that sound like the symptoms she has, while others don't. For instance, she just turned three, but has been displaying "odd" behaviors since her first birthday or so. She did not walk until 21 months, a physical therapist said she couldn't do anything for her because it was purely due to the fact that she was "afraid to walk," she had the physical capability too. She has always prefered to be alone, rather than play with her (fraternal) twin or cousins. She is very inactive, prefers to sit on couch and read or watch tv. She is very emotional. Has great difficulty with separation from mother, although they have been apart many times, she cries for hours everytime her mother leaves for the day. Sometimes she will be just fine and then someone says something to her and she starts bawling. For instance, I was babysitting, she was content reading a book, I said "Watcha doing honey, reading a book?" She looked at me completly hurt and cried for quite awhile. When she gets upset like this, noone, not even her mom, can seem to comfort her. Nothing seems to work, not cuddling, talking, not scolding or time-outs, not ignoring. Nothing. And everyone is at a loss as to what anyone should do. I think that if she had a diagnoses (or all was ruled out) then it would be easier to know how to react to her. She is very smart, she counts past 50 and has known all her colors and shapes and ABCs for awhile. She is only slightly potty-trained, she is afraid of "big" toilet. She does not like to go anywhere or do anything new. Does this sound like Asperger's, any other suggestions? Thanks so much.

It certainly could be. Kids on the autism spectrum do occasionally have emotional "meltdowns" although it sounds like your niece has quite a few. That could be a function of how people are relating to her, although it probably is not, and I'm not trying to place blame.

A diagnosis would be important so that you, and she, can understand what she is going through and so that appropriate support can be given to her in a school setting.

If she has AS, please know that she is not diseased and that this is not the end of the world. She is just different and there are many advantages, along with the disadvantages, to that difference.

Thanks for the info.

I forgot to mention a few things. One is that, sometimes when you ask her a relatively simple question, such as "Do you want some juice?" she will just look at you like she doesn't understand the question. She does make eye contact, in fact she will just about stare a hole through you, it's like she's looking deeper into your eyes or something.

She also likes to pretend that she has a secret language with her mom. Her mom plays along with it. Now, if she does have Asperger's would this be a good reaction or a bad one? Is it best to discourage the typical behaviors of Asperger's to try and "retrain the brain" or is it better to embrace them? As you can tell, I know very little about Asperger's, just bits and peices that I have read on here and other websites.

She typically does not want to be held, hugged, or talked to by anyone. Sometimes it seems best not to say "Hi" to her to advoid setting her off, but that just doesn't seem right either. She, however, demands to be held by her mother continually, if she is around.

I might note also, that she does have her moments when she is a very happy, playful child, they just seem to be few and far between.

I do hope that her mom will be able to get the doctor to take her seriously when she brings up her concerns. I feel that when preschool screening comes around next spring, although she could easily past the "tests", she may become so fearful of the adults that she will not attempt them, only cry.

Thanks, Keri

It may be hard to get the doctor to take what is going on seriously. If that is the case, she should find another doctor.

Your niece needs the things that she does. If you deny them to her, she will not have anything. It is the way she relates to the world and to you. Anything that attempts to deny them to her should not be permitted.

On the other hand, if she has Asperger's Syndrome, she will seek to socialize with others. This will be very difficult for a very long time. She may, eventually (and I'm talking about adulthood), begin to learn the things that appear to come naturally to NT's. Some have compared this to learning to type. After a while, it almost seems reflexive, but you make a lot of typos.

Love her for who she is. She will bond with her parents, and if you are close enough and loving enough, with you as well. It's not an easy road, only because she is different from those who make up the rules.

Love her for who she is and you will not go terribly wrong.

Thanks again Litguy.

That does make a lot of sense. I will be doing my part to help her out in any way I can. She has spent a lot of time with me, I watch her 30 hrs/week for about a year, but she just seems like she wants her space and her alone time, her "security bubble" and when she decides to interact (usually when it is quite, like if the other kids are all napping and it's just her and I) is the best time to play with and love her.

I just hope that if it is AS, the school will know how to approach her and help her learn. It is a very small school, they do have a special education program, but I do not believe they currently (if ever) educate any children with AS or autism.

I'm not sure if my sister has made an appointment for her to see the doctor yet, but I will let you know what she finds out.

I think that it is great that this forum allows guests! So many places you have to pay for advice & support.

I am also surprised at how much more common AS and autism seems since I have been browsing here, it is too bad that they don't get much notice, I had never heard of AS until searching the internet a few months ago.

Thanks again!

Don't feel bad. I'm fifty-six and had never heard of AS until my two boys (my only children) were diagnosed with autism. I started reading about it, and reading about AS, realized that the experiences of adult aspies read like my auto-biography. Then I started looking to places like this, finding different surveys, filling them out conservatively and seeing everything point in the same direction.

So I am in the not-so-unique position of being both a parent and an aspie. At this point in life, and being personally and professionally successful (Aspies who are professionally successful are often computer programmers or college professors; I am the latter), it would make no sense for me to seek formal diagnosis. It would gain me nothing, it might give me problems with the prejudices of some, and the lives of my kids are now my priority.

Your niece's district school may not be the best place for her. It is the responsibility of her family to be her advocate and make sure she receives the environment in which she is most likely to develop and succeed. Doe she live in the USA? If so, her right to an appropriate education, beginning with pre-school (and, perhaps even "early intervention) is guaranteed by law, but, no one's going to bother unless her family makes them.

Your sister needs to fully understand the law and the resouces to which her daughter is entitled. The information would be available through the school district.

Be carefull. If she is not academically delayed, she should not be treated as if she is, but she also should not be placed in an environment where she will be shunned and bullied because she is different.

There's a lot out there. There are plenty of people here who will help.

You might want to start posting in the "General" forum, since more people read that than the Parent forum.

And, no, we won't be sending you any bills.

The word which springs up to my mind is autism

I was going to say, that sounds almost more Autistic than AS. But, I am still learning as well and I'm not a Dr.


And, Litguy, you are very intelligent and the advice that you gave was wonderful. Best wishes to you and to your boys.