Desperate help needed for part-time parents!

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I have a 13 year old step son who has AS, but both of his biological parents are in denial that there is anything abnormal about the kid. He comes to stay with my husband and I every other weekend and since my husband and I married about a year and a half ago, my husband at least seems to be coming out of his denial somewhat. For many years before he and I got married, it was just him and his son on their weekends with no other outside interaction, which helped my husband stay in denial. Being married and having someone else be around his son (me) has started to bring how serious his issues are to light.

About 6 years ago, a doctor diagnosed him with AS, but after about a month, his mother told my husband that the doctor was incorrect and that was not what he has and to never mention it again and so he hasn't. At 13, this kid has no idea that there is anything unusual with him, still believes in Santa Claus, gets paid $50 a week to do his personal hygeine, seems to have little emotion or cares about anything, no focus, no direction, and can have totally obnoxious and inappropriate behavior that he will not correct even with multiple reminders. The schools tend to not be able to handle him (or his mother for that matter) and so she moves him from school to school every year, which can't be helping his social situation. He has no friends, no interests outside of video games and money, and no ability whatsoever to entertain or engage himself. He has to ask and be told what to do at any given moment. I think most problematic is he has a mother that is trying to force him into a "normal" mold which seems to be making matters worse. I see a sweet kid inside of him, but this is all new territory to me and I find his lack of emotion and lack of awareness about things disturbing a lot of the time.

My concern is that my husband and I are about to have another child and I am afraid of his AS son, mostly because no one knows what is going on in his mind and no one seems to want to find out and address his problems. My husband is afraid to talk to the kid (and the mother) about anything for fear that he won't want to come to our house on his weekends and I am afraid if we don't talk to him about things, his behaviour will continue to get worse or might be harmful to our new baby. I'm afraid for his future because right now, I would be really surprised if he made it through high school and, frankly, I don't particularly want him living with us until he's 40 either, but there are no signs at this point that he will even be close to taking care of himself. I know that with only seeing him few days a month it is next to impossible for us to have any impact on his life or behaviour. He needs help consistently and far beyond anything we can offer, but does anyone have any suggestions for part time parents?

You are in a very difficult position. If your husband refuses to do what is best for his son, stepping up and making and discussing rules with his son whilst in his house, there is little you can do. If you try to make the house rules without your husbands input, your stepson will play you and your husband off each other. Unless you two can present a united front, it is bad news all the way around.

Would your husband be willing to seek family therapy? Perhaps you could lie the groundwork by finding a family therapist with experience in ASD. If not, I'm at a loss of what to say.

BeeBee

My husband is the kind of guy that just wants to be quiet and hope it all just goes away. He would go to family therapy with me, but never including his son simply because he wouldn't want that kind of confrontation with his ex-wife (she consistently tells the child that he is not part of our family and I am NOT his stepmother). That wouldn't go over well.

With the issue with the baby, I suggested we write down a simple list of dos and don'ts with the baby and present it to his son along with a clear definition of what the consequences will be should these rules be broken, but my husband is afraid that will make him "feel bad" and we should just confront it if it comes up. I, personally, don't want to come in and find a bag over the baby's head or something because his son "didn't know" and feel like we should be proactive. As I said, I had no experience with AS prior to getting married to my husband and maybe my suggestions aren't something that a person with AS would respond to. Its hard for me to tell what is effective and what isn't - sometimes I will ask his son to stop doing something (he likes to jump on the floor at 7 am - I'm sure much to the dismay of our downstairs neighbors) and he gets very quirky and wants to go hide in the bathroom shortly thereafter or (at times) has told my husband I am mean and he doesn't want to come over (which I see as what you mentioned as playing us against each other).

My husband thinks he is very naive and innocent and I think he knows a lot more than he lets on. As I said in my original post, I wonder what is appropriate for us to do on an every other weekend basis. Just because his mother chooses to ignore his issues, we can't just let him go crazy at our house every other weekend, especially with a new baby. But I can't imagine anything being affective 3 days a month.

Well, people as a rule and Aspies even more, like to know the rules in advance. I can certainly see no harm and great good in a list of rules, as long as everyone is clear that there might be more rules that you forgot (give yourself an out, otherwise I can almost guarentee he will think of something you missed!)

The list wouldn't be presented as a "You are a bad boy and so we need to go over this list with you" type of thing! It would be "This is a new experience for us all so we have to think ahead" which wouldn't make anyone feel badly.

I still think couples counciling to go over if a list is a good idea and how to present the list would be a good idea.

Dear Guest:

What's happening might be made a little more (or a lot more) difficult by the Asperger's, but that's not the problem. You said his father spent a lot of time with him.....well, now he has competition. You. This is the case with any kid whose parents are divorced, or as my son's girlfriend says of her parents..."they don't love me, they hate me.....they shove me back and forth like a rag doll, and I don't know where I live!"

And now you're pregnant, and the child of the other marriage is being "replaced." (I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm trying to give you some insight into the child's thinking, especially in light of what his natural mother tells him).

His father has to address a good deal of this.....and very carefully. You can't. You shouldn't have to. But while it is, if anything, a harder thing to address (not that Asperger's is easy), there are professionals who have some perspective (I am not one of them).

Address it with the "being firm" approach if you think that's going to help, but in my humble opinion, you have something here that has more to do with a child's anger at a divorce than with Asperger's. And I think the "being firm" approach is going to make it worse in his eyes, although, obviously, you've got to protect the new baby!

And the hard part is, that it's not your fault. And it is a matter for someone with a lot of experience in the field of divorce. I don't think his natural mother is helping things one bit (and it doesn't surprise me).

Do I have an answer? I wish!

Regards,
RES

I appreciate your input. I don't know if my husbands son is so much angry about the divorce (it was a long time ago - not that it matters) as he is confused. His mother is remarried and he knows her husband is his stepfather, yet he's told his dad's wife is not his stepmother. His mom has him call her new husband dad, when he knows he already has a dad. I think our house, though he's often confused by what that is to him, is a place of refuge from mom. I don't think he really understands about the baby and we won't know how he reacts, if at all, until the baby is here. I totally agree that his mother is making things worse by confusing him with what she tells him as well as ignoring the AS and not helping him cope with who HE is, trying to make him someone else. I also totally agree that it is his father that needs to address these things, but he really is so afraid of the mother and of upsetting his son and he won't get to see him or something. I wish he would address things because it usually is when he doesn't address something obvious that I will step in and say something, confusing the kid even more. The thing is that sometimes really important or significant things happen and no one says anything, just ignore it and hope the behavior goes away. I tend to be an upfront person and it goes against every natural grain of my being to just sit back and watch, but I'm trying.

My AS son was an only child until the age of 13, when we adopted a baby girl. For months prior to bring our daughter home, we talked about what it meant to be a big brother. He was actually very good with her when she was an infant. In fact, we found it quite amusing that he used her as a way to be social with others. We'd bring her to church and he'd hold her while other people would come up to him to see her. He enjoyed being able to be social without having to have a conversation.
Now however, she's 6 and he's 18 and he does not treat her well at all - basically either ignores her, corrects what he percieves as inproper behavior, or gets upset at her because she teases him. I miss those days when he would hold her or give her a bottle - before she learned how to talk and talk back.
Basically, I guess what I'm saying is that I think kids with AS can be good with infants, as long as they know what to expect and have structured guidelines to follow.

Aspiedad2