no idea what to do or what's going on.

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OK, I shall bare a little soul and hope to gain from it.

I'll be as succinct as possible. I don't know what to do, about anything. I probably should get a gold star for effort. I did make it through college, but have been at a loss since then. Even then I didn't know what to do, really, but I was supposed to. I'm a champion of projects started.

I seem to be unable to control things in my life, even the slightest things. And it feels like I'm getting worse, more withdrawn. The years of people have taken their toll, and I hide. I can't stand being around my family, even though I love them.

I've had a few jobs since college. They've lasted from a day or less to once, 3 years. That boss was the nicest human being I've ever met, anyone else and it would have lasted 2 months maybe. I've gotten jobs then failed to show up, despite desperately needing the money.

My family is a tough one too. Currently I'm also living off of them, which is a terrible guilt factor. They seem to understand something is wrong, but they never get it, really. They think I should be able to live on my own. I used to think so, too. Until I tried as hard as I could for ten years, dropping the ball every time.

This past spring was the absolute bottom, the second bottom, actually. After colleger I tried to fix everything with booze. After a few years of damage I quit it completely, but then I just got worse. I no longer had excuses for failing, for not following through. June, July, and August were a complete mess. Total meltdown. I threw up my hands, threw in the towel, whatever you want to call it. I just gave up trying.

However, just wanting to be left alone, completely alone, is not an option. At least attaining it is difficult, and socially reprehensible.

I do not feel I can work, and I have bills to pay. In a few weeks I should have a diagnosis to take to the gov't, but it will most likely take a long time to get assistance. And that burns me too, I can't get over not being able to take care of myself.

I'm not suicidal, I don't think, though I think of it nearly every day. More of a daydream. 'wouldn't it be easier if...' I just can't figure out how, or what, I should do. If anyone has any thoughts, I'd appreciate any feedback/advice/me too's.... thanks....

Welcome to the club.

Many kudos throughout my life, got a PhD, and looking at starting all over again. Can't understand what people didn't like about me, and they won't say when I ask directly. I can't even keep a lawyer, and I was paying her. She said, its not you, its me. Liar.

I have had the same job for five years. They have been trying to get rid of me for two to three of those years - I was oblivious to the harrassment until it became extreme. I feel like I can work. I just don't "play well with others." Leave it to me to be oblivious to the fact that a psychology major is going to have to work with people and know how to network.

I make a living but remain marginal because I have the buying and budgeting skills of a 10 year old. Granted, the 10 year old has a high IQ, but he also likes toys and is highly distractible. The bank has been able to fool me into thinking I had more money than I had twice now. Nets them $25 each time I screw up.

I am the same as you - except I never get to the starting line. I am an idea generator. Too bad there's no market for that. I see a problem, I invent a solution and then forget about it because I know I don't have the wherewithall to carry it through. The few ideas I have tried were co-opted so no one knew it was my idea. One person stole a graphic design of mine. Foolishly, I had given someone my original and they gave it to her with a bunch of others to evaluate for a promotional item. The item was a huge hit, and no one believed I had done it, even after I showed them the preliminary sketches. I confronted the woman who maintained that she had come up with it herself.

I have always had temp jobs when I could not work. You can control how much you earn so you don't screw up your benefits, and no one questions the fact that it only lasted a week or so. Sucks for health insurance, but I never got sick enough for a doctor.
The nice thing will be if you can advocate for retroactive benefits - then you get a nice lump sum that if you are not me, you will use to pay off those bills and live debt free.

Not much help I guess except to know you are not alone.

"I don't know what to do, about anything. "

No instant fix, I'm afraid. I'm going to have to second Neuroman and say "you're not alone".

I'm actually known for problem solving in some areas, but this one is right in my own big blind spot. I've held down a professional job by finding a niche where I could operate, where what I was really good at had some value.
(Sitting in a little dark room looking at eyeballs, as it happens)

And living alone can be overrated too. I can do whatever I like, but I'm coming closer over the years to having your "I don't know what to do, about anything. " apply to that. OK, I can do anything, but what do I want to do? One can only curl up in a corner and whimper for so long, as it gets boring.

Is there anything you are definitely good at, or would particularly like to do?

i keep thinking that there is enormous talent of mind above me in the two previous posts.

There also seems to be a theme of ideas being generated but not seen to fruition.

It seems like the initial challenge is about money. Getting debt free and without care.

Perhaps the first thing would be to get organized. Set priorities, make a list, whatever.
Then get someone who can represent your respective talents to society. I don't see much talent there. Don't stop generating ideas. Just learn to have confidence in them. Don't assume that in order to make it through life that it is an individual process. Think of it more as a relay race. If you are going to win then you need the team concept. I see alot of problems finishing the race. But you don't have to. Not within the confines of a team.
There are other people who have start up problems, but not finishing problems. Join forces, gentlemen, include others whose abilities you lack. Others who could get great use of your resources. a team of individual talents, combined makes a complete functioning machine.

Share the talent equally as well as the benefit. Realize that your resourse may be more valuable. per se, but without the unit your talent is squandered.

I personally think that either one of you could do anything that you desire, but don't think enough of yourselves to care. If you were forced into an environment where others depended on your duty, then you would be more likely to act. The guilt is telling of the notion that it would hurt you more to let others down, than it would to let yourself down.

I know it all sounds simple on paper. That is why i suggested getting organized, make a list, whatever, as the starting point. Think tank this thing out. But there comes a time when the thinking has got to cease, and action takes center stage.

Did i mention yet that i am a pitbull, and that i can sell like a mother Frucker.
I'd be willing to attatch myself to your stars.

iserve the right, and excercise my option to ammend the first line of my previous post to

The three of you.

anybody else care to join the talented, not quite the complete package, team?

My life has had similar problems... I always did well in school despite feeling like I didn't know which way was up all the time, got my master's degree, and then... then what? I remember going to job interviews feeling compeltely lost. They'd ask me a question and I would only be able to stare at them, my mind would go "blank." Only hours later would I be able to realize what I should have said, or what I could have said. I was completely overwhelmed by the smallest organizational aspect of bill paying. I would start an organizational system and it would fall apart. The smallest things were overwhelming. And after being hurt by a friend I just withdrew, and withdrew more, until I realized I was almost compeltely withdrawn. It happened without my even realizing it, really. So I started reaching out a little bit more socially, but I still feel lost and closed off much of the time. I know I'm not dumb, I know I'm not a bad person, but somehow many of the things that have happened in my life are those which would happen to a dumb, bad person. And I still can't figure out where it all went wrong.

I also am not suicidal, but, there are times when it goes through my mind in a daydream sort of way. Sort of like, "Oh, so that's how people feel when they do it."

[quote=SB2]
Perhaps the first thing would be to get organized. Set priorities, make a list, whatever.[/quote]

[quote=en_una_isla]I would start an organizational system and it would fall apart. [/quote]

It's a great idea, yet somehow it never works. I'll make a list of things to do in the next hour, day, week, whichever, sometimes all at the same time, but.

I don't understand it, which is what gets me so much. If anyone reading this is a doctor doing neuro research and needs people, I'm game, I want to know.

I know how I feel, but cannot communicate it to others. Add in not knowing why you do or do not do things and you've got a problem, not the least of which is the beginning of this sentence. Arg, it was an interesting christmas and I haven't returned to normal yet, coherent thought is a bit of a problem.

So to all who replied, thanks. I'm sure eventually I'll build myself a comfortable life. I'm new here and new to the diagnosis. 29 and I just found out, I'd spent most of my life thinking it was my fault somehow. Thanks to wrongplanet and therapists, doctors, and other reading projects I now know a lot more. It's only been a week, possibly less, and it already feels like the right planet.

In regards to actually doing what I want, I thought that too. It's a hard situation to be in when I can't explain me to myself, let alone others. Stuff doesn't get done. If my parents didn't help out right now I'm sure I'd be on the street, I've been there before.

It's just incredibly baffling, and so hard to balance the human need for social interaction with the experience of it happening. As self-professed loners as many of us appear to be, why are we here? We still want that human contact, but the literal monochannel input of a computer is the only thing we can handle.

thanks all

Yes, I too have the same difficulties. I did very well in college, but now, I do Ok in the employment arena but just barely. I love the firefighting that I trained to do, but getting a full time slot now is almost impossible. I am working as a full time dispatcher, and doing the firefighting thing part-time and vol. so that I keep my insurance. But I cant even get an interview most of the time when I apply. I have all the educational requirements (and more) and I am trained better than most of my peers, yet those that came into the fire service at the same time (and later) than I did and have LESS education are getting jobs and making rank. It pisses me off. Chiefs ask me why with all the education I have I want to be a firefighter. I dont have any friends, and my "love life" is, and has been, non existant for along time. yet in my geographical area, a woman is expected to be married by the time she's 28 and having loads of kiddies. I have done neither.
I feel like I want to do this and that and then tommrow i change my mind.
Oh and Neuroman, I have the same skills in finances, so dont feel so bad. My dad is like a Rockafeller when it comes to money, and I cant tell him how lousy I am at budgeting and the like because Im ashamed that I cant manage my funds better.

I guess Im saying, I feel y'alls pain.

...

Form a UNION.
Start something, then hand it off.
The next person do what they can, then hand it off.

Even a simple list can be accomplished this way.

You don't have to do it alone, anything!
Form a UNION