dont care anymore

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ya heard that song? thats what goin thru my head today...
I feel ive tried to be honest, to do whats right, is all my endeavors, business, courtesy for others, honesty in relationships.... to do the right thing, to watch out for others, to not hurt or abuse anyone. even stuff as minor as giving a bad driver the right of way. So today im feeling like....... for WHAT?..... Im still lonely as hell...... what if i just keep my mouth shut..... lie, go for sex when i want to with no regard for others. use and abuse like i see many others doing, and having fun? why should i tell the truth? Im getting tired of bein a good boy, holding on to what i have always thought was the right thing to... hmmmmmm

You don't do it because you are an ethical person.

After the lover leaves, you still have to live with yourself. That's why.



Tom,

I'm sorry you are going though this. I wish I could do more than just listen.
((virtual hugs))

Barb

i dont know Barb. For one thing , i hope others will see what im saying.... cuz i see topics from people taliking 'bout sex..... Thats okay, when i was younger i sought it out as a way of being aknowledged... , and to make myself feel like im OKAY....... I hope people who see this post will grasp what im trying to say.... do'nt follow my path,,,, its a lonely place...But ya know what, they wont listen...... i didnt listen.... i was told over and over to play safe..... The pART of me that cares says tell them......and if they go out looking for sex for recreation, or to use drugs for recreaton, .... but again,, does it fall on deaf ears? Oh youth..... And where i live hiv is on the rise among black women....and there is a waiting list of several thousand in Alabama to get treatment. ... ive talked about a womens empowerment group here.... sex seems to be a very TABOO issue here in Ga. USA Anyway,,,, im ready to let it all go,,,, im tired of trying to be a crusader, there are no advocates here, no real support, (Tho there are those who claim to be but are only collecting the bucks) (i can provide names of such) and I keep a low profile, (have to) cuz i wont put my family at risk...... I mean this is a racist and bigoted town like ive never seen before.......... but thats another story.... So it comes down to this..... Im lonely, I hurt,im ... so what if i go out and seek self indulgence and gratification..... okay, ill think about it.... im going to venture out...... see what the world has to offer, see if i can find any happiness.... i been lonely too long....... for what its worth...

tom - been there, done that, with all of the above, more or less. the reason you don't go out and do what you suggested in your first post is that doing that isn't who you are, and you don't really want to be the person who would do it.

as far as the fighting against bigotry, racism, homophobia, sexism goes... don't i just know what it feels like to feel exhausted. i feel exhausted at least once a week trying to continue fighting. i'm accused of man hating, being politically correct, having a personal agenda, not listening to others' viewpoints which are just as valid as mine... sound familiar? the thing is that i cannot and will not stop fighting because it would be collusion to do so. if you don't speak out, then you don't stop the rot.

all i can offer is the suggestion that you have a rest from it, look after yourself, then go back when you feel less exhausted, however long that takes. (i keep swearing i'll stop cos the game ain't worth the candle, but i never can - stuff which is wrong is wrong, and i can't let it go).

have a hug from me.

This must be the song:

http://phil-collins.lyrics-songs.com/lyrics/8225/

The thing is Tom, some will listen. You'll never know which ones or how, but I beleive you making a hugh impact. Keep the faith and know you are doing the right thing.

I also agree with Vivi, take very good care of yourself. Rest. The fight will be there waiting for you after you have refreshed yourself.

two steps forward, one step back
the gerbil on the wheel.... ARRGGGHH!
somethings im becomeing aware of about myself.......
it seems like when things are okay when im going along doing things i think i need to do nobody responds , then i start getting that dont fit in feeling. But if i act up,, i get attention. I hate that. i dont want that to be my thing! i dont want to be a pity ho.!
another is , i seem programed to be negative, to be defensive and on guard the world out to rip me off. (thanks Dad)... theres gotta be a better way. And when i Think about "playing the game" in job searches, even using cetain business terms gives me a feeling of being punched in the stomache with rebellion. The little kid in me screams "I DONT WANNA) takes me back to when i started school @ age 5. They had to drag me into the classroom crying. so , ......... to the universe, to my spirit guide,,,,,,,, send me someone with the patience to help me, the tools to get past the angry defensive rebellin, to be willing to play the game...especially, how to play the game...
okay, im goin to start my day,,,,,, and write some more eetc.......

p.s. thanks for the hugs .....

Just hold on. Your time will come.

Ive been searching ......... I found A site about St. Francis of Assissi. read just a brief note about him ..... I thought ,, Yeah! i get it...... animals, ecology, His prayer! I am not preaching here.. i dont know much. But , i get what he said.... what i want to know is , how can I be and insrtument ..... to want to be one... when even religious people knock me down..... . i (such as a "NUN" who will not give me the opportunity to tell another persons with HIV that you dont need to seek a lover, a sex partner to aknowlege yourself, to give you value, to love yourself. ) thats what i find here...... Also, im trying to understand -----forgiveness . and many ways to find serenity.......
Right now,,,,,, the St. Francis prayer is a daily meditation..... im fearfull that eventually it wont be enough. that it will wear thin and ill be angry again.........

tomthecarpenter

If You need help that I can give I will give it. What kind of support do You need to Help You just Asking If I can can give any Help for You.

My computer has not been workinging to well I hope it is fixed now.

I have found You so if I can Help I will.

We all have need for Help from each other so (pm me) to give You the Help You need.

your posts set off this resonance:
welcome to the bridge club
i have been thinking many of the same thoughts, because i am a bridge between cultures, genders, variations of many themes. people walk over my back and find out what it is like to be on the other side.
i have been threatened by feminists for exploring masculinity and trying to promote the beneficent aspects of that culture
i have been told i am a traitor
that i waste time and make junk by recycling and repairing
that i am arrogant because i said i was smart (apparently its only legitimate if someone else tells you)
i have been told that to lie is the right thing
i do choose my battles
i am resting now.
i am a good man. but who cares? brown men are bad and dangerous and to be controlled and kept weak and effeminate.
it has been a long hard fight against the stereotypes and few people have had the paradigm shift i hope for. on the other hand, people and about 35 cats have been helped. does it make a difference? not in the grand scheme of things as seen through the dominant paradigm. i keep telling myself the starfish story, it matters to that one, and it helps a little. sometimes, though, i want to say find your own f---ing paradigm shift, don't ask me about falling in love, i'm not boyfriend material but i'm a d--- good time. try that as a pickup line. i am ranting because even though i have been told by women that they just want a good time, invariably it is not true, somewhere in the background always there is a figurative father with a shotgun ready to make sure you do his right thing. and if you tell the truth you get nothing.
i am not boyfried material (not for communicable reasons) and when pressed for why then i just back off. if i work on it long enough i can sublimate and keep my moral code. then every once in a while something wakes me, reminds me that i am lonely and that no one will love me as i am and i begin to think along those lines again, why not? one shot deal with someone else who doesn't care.
i am angry with myself because i do not like being awake.