Strangers

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Our daughter doesn't think we should talk to anyone when we are out because they are strangers. I don't seem to be able to make her understand that it is okay to say hello to the salesperson when that person says hello. Any suggestions?

Have you told her not to talk to strangers?

If so she's just reminding you of what you told her.

I don't know if this will help, but...I hear you saying that you are wishing your DD would be more friendly when you guys are out in public. Does she have this same reluctance if a stranger comes to the house?

I hate to say it, but given her age even if she did not have AS you still would probably be feeling this way. Regardless of why they have a particular social fear, shyness, etc. many kids this age have it. The majority of NT children are not extroverts (although they may be perceived as more socially adept than AS kids). I'm wondering if the AS is not a blessing of sorts because your DD is actually able to articulate to you *why* she does not want to talk to the salespeople. Most NT young children will not say and clam up - possibly because they feel our displeasure at the situation and are embarassed to share what's going on inside their sweet little brain. A lot of AS kids I know don't understand why they should be embarassed and are able to share their reasoning for things. Sometimes AS can be good for us parents because the child will be very upfront about what they are thinking.

As for what to do - Have you asked her what she thinks might happen if she spoke to particular strangers in particular situations? You can make a list of possibilities with her and address her line of thinking from there. I find that my AS son will not take my word on many things that he already has a belief in. I have to make it more like a math problem with proofs to walk him through why what I'm saying is logical and truthful. Since she's so young, if she likes to draw you can have her draw with you the list of possibilities, sort of like a comic strip of the situation, players and what would happen. Then you can act it out as a family if you want to and she's willing.

I didn't make myself clear.
How do I teach her when it is okay to say hello when she wants to? I know she is quoting the rule, but sometimes it is okay to say hello. She sees me talking the salespeople all of the time. She isn't going to learn it by watching me or else she would know it. I haven't found the right words to explain it is okay to say hello. I'm not asking her to make eye contact which probably wouldn't happen anyway.

A healthy fear of strangers is fine, and she have it.

I know it is making small talk with a stranger in a safe situation. How do I explain this? I just do it. My husband will sometimes think I know the person I'm talking to. Based on that, I think my little daughter is confused by my actions.

how about social stories ?

When I was a child, I had a book. I can't remember what it was called, but it was a picture book of people you should and shouldn't say hello to. You shouldn't say hello to the grouchy lion janitor, but you should say hello to the kangaroo postman who delivers your mail every day...

Aspergers kids tend to work in absolutes even more than older Aspies. When I was a kid, for example, I thought that if someone wasn't expressly a friend, he/she had to be an enemy. So I used to creep people out when they'd ask how many friend I had and I'd say "I have four friends and nineteen enemies".

So I guess my suggestion would be to sketch out lots of different cases, and make it sort of a game/quiz where she has to say whether it's proper to talk to the person or not. From my personal experiences, when an Aspie has latched onto a concept like "never talk to strangers", simply telling them that they're wrong will never work - you have to try and help them realize it for themselves.

The role playing is an excellent idea if she is willing, make it into a game.

I remember explaing it to my two, we played at me bing the bad person and what they had to do if grabbed by the hand (Claire bit me so hard my hand bled.lol) a couple of days later we were out and an elderly lady took her hand, I was loaded down with shopping and they were both holding onto the bags. Well the old dear thought she would help us cross the road, So Claire bit her hand. I was so proud.

So role play is brilliant, and see if she can come to the right conclussions herself like a maths problem. An idea you could explain the the grocer has information that you need to know, like when their going to have a new order of apples. etc.

This is a tough one. It confusing rules!

Here were my rules:

If you are alone, there is no talking to adults unless you are lost and need their help. Then you may talk to police or people who work at the store. (explain how to tell if someone works at the store) Adults get to decide for themself if it is safe. (Let me talk to strangers without him going bananas.)

If the adult you are with (Dad or I or Aunt Mary, etc) start talking, it is safe and you may join in.


There where times when D was addressed in "safe" situations and didn't respond but the adults where okay with it. They all understood that they were indeed strangers.

BeeBee

Hi folks, mommyofone's DH here. Thanks BeeBee for the rules. Clear and concise. At Lowe's today, some folks said hello and how cute she was. She kind of hid behind me and ignored them. After she volunteered that she didn't speak because she didn't want to. I said that was fine but that you need to be aware that when someone speaks to you and you don't speak back, they take that to mean you don't like them. She seemed to understand. I did try to make it clear that its ok not to speak to strangers if she doesn't want to. She's actually a pretty good judge of character and does understand that policemen are ok.

[color=violet]Hi mommyofone. You could praise her for knowing what you mean by "stranger" (a lot of little kids just think it's "a bad person").
Then you could say the same words over before each outing - or on the way - to shops. Prepare her for the fact that you probably will talk to the shop person and that that's OK, even though we don't know them. You know her best, and you should pick the right words. Just keep repeating the same thing each trip, talk about it briefly after the event too. Keep it positive. As you would know, she's just being literal and is not trying to be difficult. She wants to learn about different situations.
Good luck!
earplugs

It's not small talk, it is a transaction.

I don't chat to salespeople (that's my rule) ~ I hate it when they deviate from the usual formula and try to be chatty. I know they are only trying to be friendly but I haven't gone to the shop to make friends ~ I have gone to buy my food.

She needs to know that it's ok for her to do the same ~ she is not obilged to chat to people she doesn't want to.

When you are making small talk it is because you know how to do it and you probably enjoy it.

I am guessing you are able to read all those subtle signs that tell most people it is ok to be friendly with this person. She may not be able to do this.

I don't think you should try and teach her societies' complicated rules. I think you should try and find clear rules that work for her so she makes her own set of rules that help her find another way through the complex nightmare of interaction.