Stupid Little Things

Post Reply New Topic

I just had to call my dad because I was having a panic attack- because I accidentally threw away about $6 worth of stuff and couldn't find it either in my trash or at the top of my dumpster (I take my trash out a lot). Now, this was the second time I'd thrown away one of the items I'd chucked, and it's school vacation, which I HATE. ((Not only because it means I'm alone with nothing to do more often than when school is in session, but I also think it's full of residual guilt from when I used to be truant a lot (I probably went to about 9 years of my technical twelve years of school before college in my mom's estimation)- I just realized the latter is probably a trigger today, actually.)) Anyway, I had to take a Klonopin while on the phone with my dad because I felt myself getting really bad- and I HATE taking those damn things, but it's worse to have a full-out panic attack when I can prevent it. ((Don't worry, I use them sparingly, when I tell any psychiatrist I ever have how often I take them they say I'm not at risk for becoming dependant. I used to be a cutter and it can get soooo hard not to hurt myself that Klonopin is the lesser of the two evils, and not doing anything at all can be unbearable.))

It seems like it's always little, dumb things that get me. It's pissed people around me off my entire life. "You're making a mountain out of a molehill" is one of the first metaphors I learned out of sheer repetition- I also HATE that metaphor for the same reason. ((It's reeeeeal helpful to tell someone on the edge of or in a panic attack that they're overreacting.)) Between my therapist, my dad (tonight) and my own introspection, there seem to be four "biggies" that get me consistently:

-Guilt (generally when coupled with any of the below, I'm twice as likely to exactly, or something like that, all on its own it just makes me feel crappy)
-Frustration (my dad identified this, and he gets it too, or used to before he matured- I inherited his temper, unfortunately)
-Feeling like I have no control (my therapist noticed this one- I've been seeing him less than half a year and he's already pegged me as an ENOURMOUS control freak)
-Feeling like I'm not being understood (generally this is literal, as I go nonsocial when I'm excavating; I generally will ask my dad, mom or grandparents, if I talk to them in this state, not to say anything. Sometimes I'll spend quite awhile just reminding them not to talk while I get my brain collected, which is probably scary to hear someone repeating, but it's better than being interrupted when I'm escalated because that really sets me off then as I'm usually not in a place where I can fend for myself in a normalish conversation. Luckily my family "gets" this and generally complies.)

Anybody feel like any of this is familiar? Have you identified some stuff like this as "biggies" for you, even when it's something that is, objectively, totally dumb?

a few years ago i was having a bad time in general and my cell phone charger broke. i knew that i couldn't buy another because they didn't make them anymore. i couldn't afford a new phone. i felt like the world had ended. i almost cried.
the next day i went out and bought an adapter so i could use the car charger in the house. it made no sense to me, the reaction that i'd had the day before.
that was before i learned about sensory integration issues. i now realize that i had some sensory overload building up and the point at which the charger broke was the point of total overload. i don't think i would know entirely how to prevent the same thing, but i have been working on keeping the things i can control - well, under control. it does make me seem a bit of a control freak, but at least i can explain why.

That's the story of my life. I'll get upset about something that's, objectively speaking, not that big of a deal, then I get yelled at and it only makes me more upset.

Here's the stuff that can drive me into instant overload:

Not being able to find things - maybe I misplaced something, or I can't find what I'm looking for at the store.
Being misunderstood
Almost any sort of frustration, and it's worse when I can't get away from the source of the frustration
Not having control over things, especially having things change at the last minute
Almost anything negative that relates to driving, especially getting lost and heavy traffic.
Debates, devil's advocate-type crap, and certain types of criticism

Why would you call all this "stupid?"

I TOTALLY understand.

Sometimes things don't affect me at all, and sometimes the tiniest thing can totally set me off - such as people walking slowly in front of me when i'm ina hurry, and being told by NTs the way I think, when they wouldn't know how I think if it slapped them in the face.

For example: I was talking to my sister about suff we said when we were little... and something came up about me saying something inappropriate to Nana.

I said I was just saying it to see what sort of reaction I would get, and she was all like "No, you said it because you don't know what is appropriate to say", I mean come on, I THINK I would have a better idea of why I say things than she would.

Those two can drive me mad too, though I chalk them up to frustration so I don't seem to have as long a list.

I'm the same way, it drives me crazy when I can't find things, especially things I'm emotionally attached to-and they can be as seemingly insignificant as a pen, blanket, or eraser. Being misunderstood drives me crazy too sometimes. As does frustration-once, I was working on a proof for my logic class, and not really getting anywhere with it, and I got so upset and depressed, and it was only an elective, not even my major, and I did solve it eventually. I also get extremely upset when I'm trying to explain something to someone and they won't listen, even if it's a relatively insignificant seeming topic; I think this relates to my needing to be in control. Situations in which I'm not in control can make me quite upset too, although I'm getting better with that. The other situation in which I get upset-and probably the most upset-is when someone hurts me, even if they're not aware of it or if it seems like something that shouldn't be a big deal. I can carry that around with me for a long time if it's bad enough.

I can totally sympathize with you, especially after today. A relatively minor event at work sent me headlong into a day long fit of anxiety that I managed to hold together just long enough to make it through the day and get home. Took a short nap and pulled myself together long enough to have dinner at my mom's house, then came home and just totally lost it. Now I'm depressed as hell. Thinking about making my own long post about it but I don't like to see whiney.

The other day i was putting in bifold doors for this lady I droped a part and couldnt find it I was going nuts pacing about talking to myself on the verge of meltdown when she came up to see how things where going composing myslef as best i could I told her she pointed to the pocket on my shirt thats were it was. Sometimes the little things like that I freak out more than say over a flat tire.

This affects me after most interactions with people. I say 'after' because I can usually converse with up to two or three people quite cheerily. However it is in retrospect that I agonise over wether I was convincing, wether they understood what I said in their own terms, and ultimately I suppose, whether I left an impact on them. Although i loath big social situations I feel enormous guilt if I perceive that I don't fit in.



Too true, I have to plan everything rigourously.

I have this sort of anticipatory imagination of myself, almost as though I am the protagonist in a novel poised to act out all the challenges I face. I act out things in advance, like the conversation I must have about an essay with my english teacher. But when it doesn't conform to my plan I can never make situations work to my own advantage.

Am I making sense here?

I do that too to some extent, though I do it less now and am not as surprised when I turn out to be wrong in guessing what people will say.

I do this as well. In fact, when I often find that my mind has wandered off and I'm planning out hypothetical conversations for all sorts of situations that I may or may not ever find myself in. I treat it kind of like a strategy game, planning out what I say and my estimate of the other person's response kinda like a chess match.

Wow, I was associating it with chess too (mentally)!

This sort of thing is one of my biggest problems I've lost whole weekends to beening upset and just wanting to sleep after plans were changed last minute its like i dont know what to do i just get angry and pace about and sleep basicly making life miserble for those about me. Its hard to enjoy the things I normally would change is bad

Oh yes, like the one time in my life that I got into a small fender bender with another student at school, I couldn't even speak coherently with them because I can't think and talk at the same time. I had no prior experience with it. And I certainly wasn't prepared for something like that. So the officer at my school had to come down and act as a sort of mediator

What you guys are describing is what my school psychologist referred to as working out mental "scripts". Something she recommended the next time I get into any kind of car accident.