started good, ending bad

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the day started good. too bad it didn't stay that way.

i got a phone call today. now normally i don't like phone calls, especially from people i don't know. and as soon as i answered the phone she asked for april love and i said speaking and she said her name and said i don't know her. well that got me really really nervous.

but it ended up being a good thing. she said she was a christian counselor and she'd had something about my book (my first one) sitting on her desk for 3-4 years and while she was cleaning her desk off she decided to call me about it. blew me right out of the water!! !! during a more functional period of time in my life, i had sent out flyers with my business card to christian counselors that i could find on-line. who would've thought that years later i'd get a call from one of them.

anyway, we had a really nice conversation. we talked about both of my books and i told her about being an aspie and how my second book is really about what it's like to be me living in two different worlds. plus we talked about my first book and how it was a bit too gritty for christian publishers (being and counselor and survivor, she understood). so she ended up giving me her number and said to keep in touch. wow!! !

then i went to a neighbor's house. she had called me early asking if i wanted a dog house. this neighbor has a lot of aspie traits. she's an artist and we now volunteer together for st vincent de paul (she's catholic--i'm not but i like the work they do). any way, she invited me in for tea. i was a little bit stressed, but not really bad.

she asked me about what was going on with the family, so i went ahead and told her the latest stuff with steve. then she asked if i had thought about what i was going to do. i said yeah. i said that i was going to let him go to richmond but if he doesn't change i am going to file for divorce. amazingly, she thought i was thinking good (i say amazingly because she is catholic and as a religion they don't like divorce much).

so we sat and talked. she asked what the biggest obstacle would be if we divorced, and i told her financial because half our income would be gone, but i told her i still thought we could make it if i dropped some luxuries that we now have (ie dish, the paper, trash pick up).

she asked about mammy, if i had the option of sending her back if i had to, and i said yes i do. i don't want to, but if push comes to shove, i can.

then she also talked about the kids. she talked about when her kids were teens and about how difficult that time was. we talked some about benjamin. she seemed to think too a lot of it was the stress of the stuff going on with steve, and that also i was doing good in making sure he kept up with his schooling.

we just ended up having a really good talk together.

unfortunately, things didn't say that good. i had called steve on the cell phone because i knew he was expecting me home from the store and i hadn't even left yet for the store. he didn't say a lot, but i could tell that he was suspicious. then when i got home he asked me if i was interested in somebody else. give me a break!! !!

then this evening he wanted to take the credit card and get this over the counter stuff. i wouldn't let him. he was not happy saying i should trust him and all this bulls***. i told him i wasn't comfortable with it. he started to get mad. eventually he took isaiah and left. (he wasn't supposed to have the keys but benjamin had been using the truck for work and had his keys and ended up giving them to steve before he left for the weekend). i guess he had found a couple dollars worth of change and bought some with that.

he seems to think that he didn't do anything wrong and i'm the bad guy, but all his leaving did was make me think more and more that we are not going to make it.

i want him to leave. benjamin's birthday is wednesday, but i sure hope that by wednesday night or thursday they will be ready to take him.
april

I'm sorry to hear that.

Does Steve have a chemical dependency problem? I see he has a big problem with being too jealous and possessive, otherwise why would you have to call him to check in and then have him ask you if you are interested in someone else because you had a conversation with a neighbor?

What is in Richmond? Is it a treatment program or something?

The question you have to ask yourself is are you better off with him or without him? That's the bottom line.

i called him out of courtsey because i knew it would be awhile before i got home and he would worry about me. we were engaged when i was kidnapped and so whenever i am late, he immediately goes into panic mode thinking something happened to me. the kidnapping affected him tremendously too and that's one of the things that sends terror through him--me being late.

he does have jealousy problems and he does have addiction problems along with psychiatric problems. the jealousy stuff has never been this bad. he's very paranoid right now. he needs to be inpatient sooooo bad!! !

as to whether or not i'm better off without him is something that i have to decide. i am waiting that decision until after he comes back from richmond (a state hosptial). he will be there for dual diagnosis (addiction and psychiatric).

he was stable for most of our marriage--both addiction wise and psychiatric wise--but the past 5-6 years he has plummetted. it's at a point that if he doesn't get better we will have to divorce.

april

I'm praying that this will work out for you and that you will find some peace.

Deleted since the mods won't lock the "RAGE" thread

yeah, i know what he's getting, but he just takes them and doesn't make anything out of them. it's over the counter stuff that helps with concentration. he does have add.

he had a couple of appointments today. his therapist couldn't believe that he was still here, so she called. richmond said that everything is ready and his name is on the top of the list and they are just waiting for someone to be discharged so there's a bed for him. so it should be any day now.

then he saw the nueroligist as well. he has sleep problems and nothing has helped. he sent him to have some blood work done to check for narcolepsy. i guess there's an enzyme that when you have narcolepsy there's more of it in your blood. the people at the hospital said it's a really super sensitive test and the blood work will be sent to the mayo clinic. but they said that with this test, there's a 25% chance that it will come back no and yet you still have it. so it'll be interesting to see what the results are. if his do come back as a yes, i'll probably have christian's checked as well as she is starting to have a lot of the same sleep probs that steve is having.

so hopefully we'll get a call in the next day or two. i'm ready. steve's ready.
april