My opinion is that lacking a connection with the world is the source of much malaise because this deprivation entails so many other problems.
At this stage of my life, things are pretty much stagnant, and they have been for many years now. It seems this stagnation is having severe negative effects on my memory, my mood and attitude, the liveliness of my thinking, and my ability to control myself when extremely frustrated and is, indeed, the cause of such frustration. The source of my frustration is that all the efforts I make to stir away the stagnation and begin achieving my life goals fall flat because most of my goals have at least some dependency on society and thus my ability to interact with others successfully. I have gone to great lengths to figure out how to interact better, and it has been a personal obsession for at least ten years now (before I ever heard of Asperger's syndrome or autism).
Some social interaction is a necessary prerequisite for some things: employment to have an income and a mode of long-distance transportation, emotional fulfillment through romantic attachment, sexual fulfillment, awareness of activities, etc. Alone, we are extremely limited and powerless. We cannot go very far: wherever we can walk, basically. Even then, we are limited by social restrictions imposed through such constructs as property rights, personal space, social groups, etc. Thus, if we wanted to walk to somewhere on private property, we would be trespassing. By building social bonds, though, we can obtain the social capital necessary to acquire the social sanction to do things such as work somewhere, participate in an activity that involves other people, purchase a car and fill its tank with gasoline, etc. The social sanction to work requires awareness of the standard procedures for obtaining employment (filling out an application, sending in a résumé, and obtaining an interview), but then it also requires presenting one's abilities as socially viable to an interviewer (that is, one will reinforce the company or other type of group through one's efforts and thus keep the group as a whole viable). Certain aspects of body positioning are interpreted as one's commitment or potential for commitment to the viability of the group.
I am realizing the importance of such bonds more and more; human beings evolved in social settings. Without them, everything fades because it seems pointless. What is the point of science or philosophy if one's ponderings and experimentation have zero effect? Searching for a cure for cancer, as a trite example, seems pointless because tomorrow will be very much like today and the day before it too. Instead, philosophy seems to become an investigation into the most esoteric realms of thought completely detached from any relevancy: thoughts wrapping around thoughts as an exercise in intellectual vanity. Everything seems to be its own caricature: ridiculously absurd.
Even the people around me dim away into the background because interaction with them has been, thus far, futile. Their comings and goings are like the comings and goings of a train or the growth of a plant. It is known to happen, but it is not actively considered most of the time. What motivates them (some bizarre entertainment in reality TV and other such things, status, weird romantic relationships, etc.) is alien to me.
It seems, deprived as I am of these connections, I cannot find the motivation to persist when the question of why arises or the initial enthusiasm wears off. I go through each day feeling flat with only the smallest of bleeps punctuating a few bright days. The most pleasure I can experience is a delicious chocolate milk shake, a few too many slices of pizza, and so forth; but these experiences are only transient and not a genuine replacement for the more meaningful connections most people were able to form early in their psychological development. I try every day to establish a connection, a friend, a lover: happiness.
I find myself absolutely deprived of the psychosocial tools I need to establish any but the briefest of acquaintanceships. I do not know how to relate; when most people learned how, I learned how to avoid people instead through being bullied. By my will alone, I have pushed myself and myself to put bring opportunities towards me (overcoming previous social anxieties) so that I build. I innovate in any way I can figure out. When an opportunity at socializing presents itself, I grab the opportunity with gusto. I avoid falls into pessimism and try to retain my shreds of hope for the long-term future. I smile because I'm so happy to be having a friendly conversation with someone as I perceive it. My ability for smooth conversation is wanting, so I make up for the awkwardness through other shows of caring: offering them things I have (especially in excess) freely and without a thought about their reciprocation of my generosity (honestly, generosity is gratifying by the act alone); asking questions about their lives (school, classes, interests, etc.), using my sense of humor to build a mutually relaxed state, and seeking out their company. People, though, already have circles of friends which I am not already a part of. I have made laudable progress in introducing myself to people and initially getting to know them, but I am still working on developing the psychosocial tools to "hang out" with them and partake in shared activities that build deeper friendships. At best, people find me nice and sweet if a little weird or geeky. Rarely do they seek out my company—even the ones who've met me—unless I am conveniently in the vicinity (at best, they might say hi and start a conversation if they happen to meet me by coincidence).
I know it's not that most people dislike me; I know it's that some skills are lacking. It's just that it seems they're not developing on their own through frequent attempts to put myself into situations where having them would be useful. Instead of these opportunities budding into friendships or romance as I wish dearly they would, I end up boring them away with inane questions, conversation that might not have much to do with what they want to talk about (it's always hard to gauge such things), being too kind or considerate and thus apparently creating a barrier to intimacy (they keep it as a somewhat formal or utilitarian relationship), or even creeping them out if I persist at my way of interacting without realizing they are no longer interested. My obliviousness to the point of some things (e.g., exactly why people decide to enroll in certain classes, so I seem to be a sort of misfit in them because I enrolled for completely different reasons without realizing the socially common ones), certain standards of interaction, and peculiarities of demeanor (flat tone of voice more often than not, general lack of facial expression, gaze avoidance, and clumsy body language) also seem to repel people since they assume a person of my age (21) should know these things already.
So my point is how can I make a connection when I don't know how, yet people expect and assume adults know how to make these connections already?
04 Feb 2006, 3:07 am
