Special Interests, Meltdowns, and When Kids Grow Up...

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I guess this is the best forum here to ask this question in, since even though it's the "Parent's Discussion" it has posts both by parents and by people with AS who comment about their childhoods. I'm a young adult now, about to graduate from college, and some things which are going on now are reminding me of some of the more awkward moments from my childhood. I've not been DX'd, and am in fact very much a "Not Sure if I Have it or Not." My childhood was VERY AS-like, but my college years, especially the past two years, have been a period of incredible change when I seem to have learned to be a friend, make lots of friends, and have "learned" interpersonal emotion and empathy skills, and seemingly everyone who has known me since the beginning of college has commented to me just how much I have changed, specifically in the social skills vs. awkwardness department.

When I was a little kid, I had (and still do, but it's more manageable), the intense, special interests that many with AS do. My interest, like so many with AS, was transportation, specifically, trains and buses. Some of the worst meltdowns and tantrums I'd get were on the car to grandma's house, a 9 hour ride over mountainous interstate in a car I later learned made me carsick (we initially thought the tantrums made me sick, it wasn't until college, when a friend had a similar car, that I felt a type of nausea I hadn't had since before we sold the old Corolla). I of course wanted to take the train or bus, and my parents of course always told me they needed to drive "to save money." This went on and on, nothing my parents could do, or punishment they could threaten, would get me to stop. It really wasn't a case of being spoiled or anything. With a few exceptions, if my parents said no to something else, I was calm and fine about it. Even at a young age, I began to get a feel for what my folks would say yes and no to, and only even asked for/to do things which they'd have at least an ok shot at saying yes to. I should also point out that I've outgrown tantrums, and if we go in the car somewhere now I'm fine with it. But these childhood moments, so integrally tied into my special interest, were different. We actually did get to ride the bus/train a precious few times to Grandma's house, and those memories remain among the happiest of my childhood.

But yes, my actual question. I got pretty emotional over this, pretty much to the level of crying and unhappiness people normally get when they find they lost a loved one, or if someone they know has cancer, or if someone they know has had something really bad done to them. Except that wasn't the case, for me it was just this one thing. And I was curious if people with confirmed AS had something similar when they grew up? If they also got so emotional over something an NT parent would see as trivial (what mode of transportation to use to get to Grandma's House for Christmas), it was triggering a similar emotional response to what an NT would feel in the wake of a tragedy? Or if it's just me.

I also have another question. One of the common responses parents have to when a kid is persistently begging for something the parents can't/won't/decide not to let them do/have is "when you grow up and have your own money, you can get [insert activity or object here]." My second question is: when AS kids grow up, do they have a tendency to take that statement literally, and go out and literally do the things their parents said no/when you get older to when they were little?

I ask this because, to be honest, ever since the end of high school and all throughout college, I've been doing that in many areas. Obviously I wouldn't do anything my parents said no to that was dangerous or illegal or anything, but the "arbitrary 'No's", the ones that Mom and Daid said no to more because they felt like it rather than because they had to, and that I'm still interested in.

Five summers ago, two things happened. One, I started working a summer internship for which I got paid, and two, my parents decided that I was old enough to travel on my own. So, the summer between Junior and Senior Year of High School, I started my trek around America. Through an assortment of summer vacations and two winter breaks here in college, a three-day trip here, and taking the train to that convention there, I've managed to ride about two-thirds of the 22,000 mile Amtrak system, most of it using money I have saved up from working. While as a child, I never actually asked my folks to ride the entire rail system or anything (just that trip to grandma's house, or to wherever we were going at the time), I can't make a reservation or step on board nowadays without the memories of those tantrums in the car, and some of the things my parents would say to shut me up, coming back to me, including those famous "when you get older and have your own money..." words.

As a college senior, my last spring break will involve riding the last remaining cross-country route (a specific train I have wanted to ride even ever since 3rd grade), and actually, it was that which got me thinking about the questions and subjects in this post. I know kids with AS are very literal, and very attached to their interests, and I was curious as if to my decision to actually hold my parents to the "when you get older..." statement was a possible AS thing, or just me.

And regarding my social change? Sure, I'm taking the train this spring break, but I'm taking it to visit a friend across the country.

Any thoughts?

Last edited by AS_Interlocking on 18 Feb 2006, 5:15 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Great job! From my experiece, when parents say: "when you get older...", they only say it to get you to be quiet. I found it very frustrating, since the 10 to 20 years it would take to "grow up" and finally get what I want seemed like an excrutiatingly long period of time.

But your story is very interesting. I have similar one.

As a kid, I wanted a pet really bad. My parents hardly ever interacted with me after I turned three. They made sure I was well taken care of physically, like food, shelter, clothes, etc. However, the childhood games with parents, as well as the unconditional hugs (not as rewards for good grades) that most NT kids fondly remember, were nonexistant. I had a couple of friends, but obviously they couldn't spend time with me whenever I wanted, and despite being an aspie, I understood that very well. So my only truly regular companion would be a dog or a cat. My parents, however, don't like pets. I begged my parents to buy me a dog (first choice) or a cat (second choice), trying all sorts of things: making a list of how it'll help me, agreeing to a mixed breed that costs less, offering to do all the care, telling them how lonely I am, but absolutely nothing worked.

After some time, they started telling me: "When you grow up and have your own place, you can get 10,000 pets for all we care". Although at the time, having 10,000 pets seemed like paradise, their answer seemed more like a tease and an insult, than a promise for the future (and my AS didn't allow me to see the sarcasm). Since, as I said earlier, "growing up" would take more than 10 years, the time that for a kid might as well be 1,000 years. So basically, they might as well say: "Yeah, just wait 1,000 years. But for now, we get to be happy and you don't. Now be quiet, and get back to obeying us before we decide to punish you, which you can't control either."

That pretty much set the tone of my relationship with my parents, persisting to some degree until today: they were heartless tyrants, and I was a disobedient brat. At one point, my family had a worse relationship than Israel and Palestine. Although now things calmed down a little, my relationship with my parents is civil and diplomatic, rather than loving.

Sorry for the long rant. I don't usually do this, by AS_Interlocking's story really struck a nerve about how egotistical parents can be sometimes, truly ignoring their children's wishes.

I apologize in advance, we have not had a diagnosis here so I'm technically not qualified to answer your question. I just wanted to mention that my son does this. It might not be about the mode of transportation but perhaps what he wants to bring on the trip or where he sits in the car or even what music is played on the way. Also I think he may have that sort of response if we changed one of our current routines. My son loves trains too and we take one downtown to go to the aquarium. If we ever told him we were going and not taking the train, I expect it would be a tragedy for him. We've already talked about not telling him or never driving there instead.

My parents were loving, caring folks. 99% of the time they were the best parents around, and I really should write more about that here. The 1% of the time we had problems gets written up here a lot, because, well, knowing my childhood followed the AS pattern a lot made me realize just how much those traits influenced the rough moments with Mom and Dad.

And I think I've said this in response to a post of yours before too, but nice avatar! I rode the former flagship of the Illinois Central, the City of New Orleans, last summer, (2 weeks before Katrina!).

And I totally understrand the "long rant." Heaven knows I've done it here before, as talk of parents raising AS kids has brought back so many memories of childhood--many good, some bad--in the months since I discovered WP.

As the parent of an aspie, I read both your posts with interest.

Many times, my husband feels I bend waaay too easily to our son's "demands" and that I'm the one guilty of blaming everything on his AS (our son hasn't even uttered the words yet, much less ever tried to play that card).

I guess my position is if we can (for instance) take the train as easily as the car, and the train makes him happy, then why not take the train? This line of thinking drives my husband insane.

Our son doesn't get everything he wants everytime, and from time to time that leads to a meltdown, but particularly if it relates to a special interest of his I will try and work it in. I don't see the harm, but I may have blinders on and some day I may look back and say wow we should have taken the car.

Maybe I feel guilty. Maybe I think he got a bit of a raw deal.

In any event I guess as an adult he'll be able to save his money

Well, it looks like I went overboard in my rant about not getting a pet. I guess I was trying to describe the futility of living in an authoritatarian family, and well... went overboard. Anyways, I should probably give my parents credit for taking care of my physical needs (even though they took care of only physical needs), and letting me pursue my interest, which was astronomy at the time.

I'll once again point out I'm a "not sure if I have it" and not a confirmed case, but looking back, I don't think that I would've turned out any more inflexible/unable to accept having to go somewhere in a car today (which I'm totally fine with now) had I been able to have gotten my way in those meltdown occasions when I was a kid. These meltdowns were significant, but relatively few in number, I'd say no more than a dozen times in my entire childhood was there a tantrum about that particular thing. In the grand scheme of things, with all the things a kid wants and asks his parents for during childhood, a dozen more instances of yes over no, or no over yes, is not going to be a tremendous impact on development into an adult IMHO. It would've made me a lot happier, but, had those car trips been train trips back then, I don't think I'd be that much different today...just a lot happier as a child, and have much fonder memories of childhood.

What's wrong with that? I really think it's the parent's job to give their kids a happy childhood and if that means we stress a little bit about we get from point A to point B, then so be it. Life is hard enough as it is and we all get to find that out as adults. I don't think kids should look back and see so much disappointment.

It's very nice to see someone who thinks that way. I wish more parents were more like that. Then there would be much fewer rants like the one I posted earlier.

I would agree 100%. I think my husband POV comes from a place of being 1) an undx Aspie - no question of that in my mind and 2) he had a terrible childhood mostly without his parents and I think feels that if he turned out OK doing without then so should our son. However I also think in the back of my mind he wants our kids to do without certain things so he can have the things he wanted as a kid and *still* talks about (i.e. a fridge in his room). He saw a show where a small one was used as a nightstand and tried really hard to convince me - but his childhood is over. So is mine, for better or for worse.

I think every good parent wants the very best for their kids, and will do whatever it takes to get that for them. Everyone has a different idea of best is all.

Aspie1 - I am glad your parents let you pursue your interests. It's interesting how you put that though. With our son I don't really think we have the choice about letting him - he finds something related to his interest at the time (back to trains again for now) in everything he does/says.

My mother was very strict and authoritarian. She used a lot of physical punishment. Spare the rod, spoil the child, as it's said. It's actually part of her religion. Saturday was the religious holy day, which prohibited all wordly stuff except for family games, nature walks, and religious activities. We lived in the bush with almost no television, but with 7 kids we did a lot of fun stuff like bush hide-and-seek, bushwalking, cubby-building. We also had a horse, a motorbike, guns, and a thrash car. We were driving around the place at a fairly young age. I had no special interests cause we were too busy interacting with each other. There was a lot of meltdowns. I reckon I had a great childhood. I'd recommend everyone have a childhood like that. The best time of my life.