My latest novel idea

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I'm going to try to write about what happens when the industrial revolution takes place in fantasy filled with magic. This realm already has gunpowder weapons taking over the position of close combat. It will be written in a style similar to Eyes of the Dragon by Stephen King

The first page

Neoras was not particularly extraordinary young lady for a person who would change the course of an entire world. She was a tall, lanky girl of 16 with hair that most would describe as fiery red or what we would call rust orange. She wasn't very attractive, her face was plain and she was flat-chested. When most younglings were you playing she buried in books. She always seemed obvious to what other people thought of her and she was extremely quiet and reserved but when spoke she was blunt and rude. When turned 14 she became quite enamored with tinker-toys. By 16 she was a master of these tinker devices, making many strange contraptions that served no or little purpose untill she made a toy she was particularly proud of. This seemingly useless toy would change the world of Deder forever. It consisted of a ball connected to a small pot in which one would pour water, when placed above a fire or great source of heat the water would turn to steam and go up the pipes and make the ball spin around at a great speed. When she unveiled this lasest of devices to the populace of her village they were amused but thought little of it, except for one man. A traveling wizard named Lian. Lian was a man of 22 and a young wizard in the order of the pyromancers, the masters of flame and heat. Upon seeing this device he instantly saw great value in it, if this toy was combined was combined with a pounding stone one could make a mill for wheat without a river or wind. He saw only a sliver of the potenial of the device but thought this was still a great leap forward in agruculture. He quickly conned Neoras and bought the device for a few coppers and hurried back to show the head of his order this great toy with it's practical uses. Little did he know that he would change the world.

This is merely an introduction. After this it fast forwards 20 years and shows what happens when you put stream engines and magic together. There are now factories and slums around the great cities of the world. I'll post the next page when I actually finish it. This is rough copy, there may be grammar and spelling errors in great hordes.

What'cha think?

Hi Flagg, your story looks promising, I read it all


To be honest, it looks a little bit crowded, like you are trying to tell everything that will happen in just one page, but if the story is short (how many pages do you intend to write?) it's fine.

Have you read Contact or Momo? (by Carl Sagan and Michael Ende respectively), they have great introductions, specially the first one since it relates more to your story, talking about the main character's childhood and then jumping 20-30 years.

I like it, post more of your story Flagg when you can!

I like it! Wish my story got more attention when I said I would be posting bits of it. Oh, wait, it did get some attention, but it died down after two or three days. I like the story quite a bit. I've found that when writing, you are your best friend; meaning to say proof-reading is a good skill to know. Trust me, I'm going back over what I've written and can see improvement-place a-plenty!

Have you heard of the game "Arcanum"? Incredible game, and it has almost exactly the same concept. I'm not trying to burst your bubble or anything though--could make a great novel. Rather, it's a recommendation. Check the game out sometime if that's a subject that interests you. ^_^

MORE

20 years into the future................

Erder stared mournfully at Ataxial or what was once Ataxial he knew. The trees and small buildings of his youth replaced instead with tenements teeming with Falsdian immigrants and Sulfur belching factories. Oh what twenty years can do to a city he thought to himself. His trip down into the hallways of memory was interrupted when his butler, Jarson brought him his dinner. It was a simple meal of Tanaray fish and a foul-smelling green plant whose identity escaped him. As he ate in his slow brooding manner he once again set himself among the hallways off memory. He could remember when the first factory was finished, a mere novelty but fascinating nonetheless. Within two short years they went from merely novel looking buildings to the dominant structures of Ataxial, within a year every building the city was covered in soot, even his lordly esatehouse was not spared this terrible fate, it's beautiful creme walls turned the color of rotting flesh with a smell not much better. But worse was the flood of horrible immigrants from Falsdi, they were disgusting dark skins with a penchant for aquamancercy. There love of rain and their constat casting of rainclouds only made the situation worse. The soot of the factories was caught in the rain and came back to Terra with stomch-retching results, a sticky, foul smelling mud called Iascs by the Falsdi dark skins. If he remembered rightly in their tounge it meant "s**t mud". After he had throughly depressed himself with his grim rembrance of the fall of Ataxial, not by force but by progress he left his meal and went off to try find some sort of diversion from the monotony of life. It had been months since he had something to do outside this wretched prison of a city. "Damn this peace! Damn it to Hell!" he screamed into the empty hallways of this cyprt for a home. Why should he even try any more? And with this Erder began a plot that would have repercussions far beyond a scope he could comprehend.

Pretty good! I like action (not in the movie sense, but just action in general), but I still like what you're writing.

As you can see I tend focus on self-revelation by the characters themselves. Imagery is also a favorite of mine.

I will be introducing the basic characters in short passages. You've already seen Lord Erder, a frustrated broken man out get the world for industrializing. Now for someone completely different.

Allian fussed with her hair in the way only women can, never quite content with what came of her minute adjustments. After about ten minutes of this madness she merely gave up on her rebellious long-black, letting it chose it's own fate. She bounded off for another night of work. She walked in her slow seductive manner, showing off as much as possible, for a prostitute must keep up appearances. As usual most of the homeless men of Ataxial looked on lustfully or at least angry they could never afford her company. She hated this life of playing a toy for rich men but then again how could a whore get better in life? No one would hire a woman in a factory and an education was out of the question. But she had become sick of this life and slowly an idea came to mind: thievery would be the way out! It wasn't much of a jump, both jobs needed great agility and stamina, not to mention composure and an eye for wealth. Thoroughly making up her mind she quickly turned around and marched back to the tenement she called home and washed her makeup off and got into a much stealthier outfit. An all black set of clothing which was made of up a ratty old shirt and a pair of ragged pants. Switching out of her "business" heels and she put on her only good pair of boots. This was undoubtedly hasty and stupid but better to die then live as a whore forever. Now here was the hard part, what do thieves do to find victims? It would seem as if she would have firgure this out step-by step. And with this thought she marched out not a disgusting prostitute but a proud thief.......

Next introduction by Thursday night.

Excuse any grammar errors, I'm a dyslexic dysgraphic. Tell about them and I'll try to fix it.

Allian's little foray in thievery could very well prove lethal.