OCD symptoms getting out of control

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I have always struggled with this, but lately, it's been consuming me.

If I don't succumb to my compulsions, then doing them is all I think about. There's always something to dwell on.

It seems like whenever my life starts to go well, the symptoms ratchet up.

I just feel so trapped by my own brain

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I am sorry you feel so trapped. I have OCDish obsessions and compulsions as part of body dysmporphia and they are... they've made it so I can't even really remember a time when it wasn't normal for me to stay in the house all day, nowhere to go except therapist and psychiatrist appointments. I wasted at least three years that I would give anything to have back. If I could go back three months, even, I'd give anything. (One strange + frustrating thing is that I always think I looked fine a few months ago but am ruined now. Of course, now will be "three months ago" in three months.)

I don't know why but sometimes I get the urge to do something right then that I can't do - like fall backwards into water or lie down in the middle of the road. And I feel like that would destroy the malignant structure obsessions and compulsions and anxiety and depression have built my life into. There's never any water around when I get the urge though, and if I were to lie down in the street I'd get run over. I just feel like that would give me the feeling of having successfully stopped time, to find myself relaxing in the sun, maybe even taking a nap, on the roadway. Anxiety, including OCD, and depression are all about thoughts of future and past unhappinesses. If there is no future or past, then there's no depression or anxiety possible.

Sorry for rambling. I just wonder if there's a way to attain that state of calm timelessness to get rid of OCD symptoms. Rolling down a grass hill, that's another one I get the urge to do to clear the malignant structure. Do you by any chance get similar urges/thoughts?

OP... congregation says, "Amen". I think OCD is the part of me that seeks to undo me. My cog. behavioral therapist has me doing some things to short circuit my brain. When I get to obsessing, I am supposed to get up and do something... anything that will shut my head up or at least make me do something besides sit there and drive myself crazier. I walk, draw, clean, punch the bag in the back yard, pull weeds... things that exhaust me work best. My problem comes in at 3am when I cannot be loud and wake up the people in my house. Klonopin works for that s**t then. Lulz. OCD sucks. Its like this monster in your head that eats every aspect opf who you are and destroys all that is good in your life. If you can, try to do something else to redirect your brain... make new pathways and such.... even if it is just for a few minutes. It gets easier the more you do it and eventually the head trips become shorter and farther between.... is how it has been for me anyhow. I wish you well in this. I know how awful it is.

hi, im new here but very old with OD .severe depression,ADD,and bipolar. I have struggled with that monster many years. Living with a built-in worst enemy in your head is devastating. I dont hear voices exactly,but am always angry at myself for doing or not doing stg" stupid" as I call it, It could be any decisison or something I said. It can last a very long time-once 2 years, It can be SO exhausting. Once I found me hitting myself on the head in the middle of the night. It's main purpose.I belive is to prevent me from being happy. It always starts when I'm about to be just a little human. It comes down like a tsunami then I keep recycling negative stuff over and over until I have been sleepless for ages and make myself miserable, It's like a "ruin your life for no reason game,It makes me so disabled as if all the depression and yo-yo feelings and self hatred weren't enough.One good thing that I hope I managed though was getting myself off meds - slowly off zooloft and the like by substituting tyrptophan. 5-htp st johns valerian l-mucuna pruriens and stuff. It was working fine-until Imade another stupid mistake. I paint a little as a hobby and had just bought a new camera to take my own photos-was just about to "get it going " and work a lot -maybe happily-when I carelessly put it in my bag with so much stuff that it was bound to fall out. Came home and didn't even check if it was there. the reason I'm going into detail is to show how intentional it looks,Does my subconcience or whatever make me do it? I AM SICK AND TIRED OF DEPRIVING ME OF ANY JOY whatsoever.And here I go downhill again. Just when I thought it had gone away, I did the stupidist thing again. I've been through millions of therapies and I'm fed up. Also fed up with" love yourself" stuff. Looks so stupid when you're sure you're the worst person on earth. Worst or whatever,I must stop it before it gets too big this time- I have to save myself from shriveling to nothing again.It's 2 am and as soon as I woke up I started this post. I'm going to have to keep my mind busy in order not to beat myself to deathso Idecided to keep my mind busy, I have increased the mucuna in the morning ( raises dopamine and the feel-good norepinephrine naturally,and GABA (natural vallium ) l-tyrosine and 5-htp ( for serotonin ) and st john's wort (which keeps all of them in the bloodstream like ssrs (careful you have to take a 15 day break if you want to start st john's and lower your prescription antideppresssants if you take these aminos .I'm also going to contnue taking enteric peppermint and sachromyches boulhardi for my IBS ( which is fantastic after 5 yrs of abdominal pain for which no drug was able to relieve.)- andkeep the mind busy. Lets see how it goes because the alternative is so terrible-24 hrs of self-blame,hatred,not being able to do ANYTHING-, and waking up to head-banging in the middle of the night, Actually,Idon't even want to live -it's so hard- let alone do things but I've got two kids for which I should look at least a little human, I loved the name of this site cause all my life I've been screaming"stop this planet i wanna get off-I'm on the wrong one-I accidentally pushed the wrong button coming here ( the food's not bad.though ) I just wish they had given us better genes and a" how to live in this world" manuel
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I have read some of your posts and you sound alot like me, and i have OCD as well amongst other things. I obsess over things and certain things need to be done or it isn't right and i hate that it has to be that way. I need things in a certain place and done in a certain way or i go into a rage. I am obsessed with germs and wash my hands over and over and use sanitizer when i am out in public especially. I obsess over people too even though i am not really social i still obsess over others and it affects my life. I obsess over my weight though i am a compulsive eater and emotional eater when i am stressed, then go back to trying to eat healthy to lose weight. I am sorry if i am not much help but i hope you find some relief and it is great to have a place like this to come to.

I have OCD too - I have dermatillomania, which is where I compulsively pick at and destroy my skin. I don't think it's a body dysmorphic disorder but more so a subconscious thing that I do when I have downtime, to cover up my anxious thoughts. I've had therapists comment in the past that I have obsessive thought patterns, but I've been afraid to mention my compulsions for fear of judgment.

I get how you feel, it sucks. I spend around an hour a day doing this and I'm afraid of it getting worse, preventing me from holding down a job and from really living. I feel like my OCD really stifles my life but I'm too terrified to confess to it. For those of you who have sought treatment, how have you been able to push yourself to seek it out? I'm afraid of taking that step because I feel like it will make it real... how do you own up to it in order to seek treatment?

My symptoms, which have been easing up lately, are much more in-line with the criteria for obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. I don't wash my hands every five minutes or check to see if the doors are locked twenty times a day (once is enough). It's just that I have to do things A CERTAIN WAY or it drives me batty and I don't enjoy the task. The whole purpose of the task seems to be doing these things A CERTAIN WAY. For example, I love driving-- but only if I obey every sign on the road.

The differentiating factor between OCD and OCPD is that while OCD rituals make the afflicted miserable, the person with OCPD actually derives joy and satisfaction from doing things the "right" way. The problem is that sometimes the standards for doing things the "right" way become blown way out of proportion. It seems to be correlated to the level of anxiety. So while I love driving from point A to point B and obeying every sign... when I have to start the journey over because I accidentally ran a red light... that's when things go bad and I don't enjoy driving anymore.

Hope this gives some perspective. The two conditions are closely related and they can both ruin your life, totally.

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